Last week we (me, my mom and my sis) had gone to our uncle's house to live, after a terrible fight broke off with my dad and my mom. Basically she accuses my dad of cheating on her... both of them are old. Mom's 45 and dad's 57... and I am inbred, meaning they used to be niece and uncle before they married. Not to mention I had gone through asphyxia because my pre-primary teacher stuffed me in a bag when I was a child. And before that my father threw me on a ****ing wall because he was mad on my mom, years ago.


Both of the psychopaths' anger may have subsidized, but I think the world lost a great doctor. (*clears throat* me.) And as if it wasn't enough, the world also lost an independent breadwinner for family. Sucks for economy now. Not that I could've been Bill Gates, but having a good salary is great for world. They lost a good and intelligent person. Not to mention gained a worthless burden that doesn't do anything and is only able to ramble. Cause of teachers' and doctors' pain.


Um, back to my mom's fighting. So she supposedly is suspicious of my father's behavior. Supposedly she is going to get a divorce...

If you have seen my earlier posts, you may have realized how much I crave for social contact and being normal. And how I wish I was in my relative's house 'till I finish my education (I aim for a PhD and then post-doc research on the nervous system, and I don't want to be stuck with those demented people for the next 14 years)

So my dream came true last week. Dad beat mom (I am neutral on that, as I am to almost everything now) and so she called my uncle who dropped us at his home. And so for five days, we (my mom and sis and me) lived there. My sister had a HUGE change in her personality, she's still a child and she played with kids of her age and even made friends with the girl next door. She used to watch TV day and night as a method of escaping our toxic home environment.

It ruined her eyesight, speech and cognition. She doesn't have any real friends in her school. She is a loner. Just like me. That's what happens when people who don't know how to make a single good decision for others (too cynical or money-hungry for that) become parents.

So each day she complained HOW her husband (my dad) was a "good father and a loving husband..." My ****ing god. For the last seventeen years all I heard about my dad from her mouth was cursing and only cursing. She (my mother) is so ****ing fake. I am so ****ing sick now.

***** has politics in her heads. She thinks my uncle would "make me surrender to the vices of the world" like um... you know, go outside. Like ****ing not going outside will make me a ****ing better person. I know I am a beautiful person. I just know it. But that *****, she was so afraid I will do things teenagers do when I become a teenager, she isolated me from the rest of the society for my entire ****ing life.

And she doesn't want my grandmother (who lives with my uncle) to cook for me either as she is afraid she will poison my dish. Or that do some black magic and curse "us" (again, the four of us, me, sis, that ***** and that psycho) or anything like that really.

My uncle and grandmother are really good people. I may not have met a lot of people in my life but they wouldn't do anything like that, it is my scientific opinion. My uncle loved me as a child even though I showed symptoms even at that age. So now I care for him. I do my best to not irritate him (I won't explained what happened to him recently, he went through brain surgery, but it wasn't psychosurgery) and make him happy.

Get it? Bad, demented parents, two lost souls and two angels who could save me if they had the power. Not just them but everyone of my maternal relatives is a remarkably good person. Or at least I feel it this way because they're the standard definition of normal.

So my mom fought with my dad, hit him, cursed him, didn't cook for him, threatened to take legal action. Not just this month but for Every. ****ing. Single. Day. Since I was born. So you get it, it's politics in her head. She used to cry crocodile tears about how our hellhole of a home is a "beautiful" home and that my dad shouldn't live alone.....

So we had to leave my uncle's apartment room yesterday. It had everything I could ever imagine of. Water supply, food, clothing facility, and most important of all - human touch. Next to it was the fact that there were no computers or TVs. So me and my little sister said goodbye to addiction for the five and half days.

Back to our hellhole of a house, we didn't have dinner. Slept after eating hotel food dad brought. Took my meds and hoped tomorrow would be better. It wasn't....

So here I hear now, "I should've never left the ****ing apartment" from my mother's mouth... what a *****. She is too manipulative to be classified as a human being. She ruined our lives because she wanted to "protect us from the outside world...."

I don't know what I am supposed to do....

[Skeezyks]

I'm sorry I don't have any suggestions for you. But I just wanted to let you know I read your post... & I wish you well...

I think sometimes it is too much to ask for to be normal...

[bpforever1]

Hmmm, you have some really serious issues. I don't have any advice for now, but because I come from a similar abusive background, let me think about it for awhile, then get back to your situation. I really feel your pain and suffering. Who needs hell in the next life when there is hell on earth? ok, I am tired now but will give you my suggestions after resting and mulling over what you possibly can do for yourself. In the meantime, find peace of mind by doing things for yourself and helping yourself as a priority. You can't help others if you don't help yourself first. I read that you have no friends. ok, I don't either but do have pen pals who are supportive of me. So, find others who are in similar situations and commiserate with them. Where should you find such people? At your local support group or through this website. You need emotional support besides this website. You can't go through your situation all alone and think you will come out mentally sound. Thus, for now, find peace of mind somehow and I'll try to address some of your issues later. Take care!! And, one day you'll be old and independent. These days of terror are temporary. Thus, think positive and do things for yourself. Nobody can live your life except you. You are valuable and meaningful to others. Never give up on hope!! I have to sleep soon, but will come back to reply again. You are a true survivor!! And, don't worry about being normal. Who is normal these days anyways?

bpforever1, I appreciate your response....

I will wait for you advice, and please do not stress yourself about giving it. I hope you do but please do not stress yourself.

[bpforever1]

Yes, I think the main thing for you and me is to remain stable and healthy in body and mind. To attain this, you need to minimize the stress you encounter and eat healthy. I quit medicine for good because I could not handle the stress and my personal problems. I had no balance in my life. Thus, if you can seek a balance to minimize stress and to remain healthy, then this is your first priority. You do this by making good choices for yourself. I did not make good choices for myself by becoming a doctor and also compounding my problems by marrying someone who was as ill or more ill than I was while I was a doctor. You should always seek advice about your goals and life-making decisions. Also, concerning your family, you should realize that minimizing contact with them may be in your best interest for now. When you are in the position to make decisions for the family, then it will be different but for now just limiting your contact with them could be the best thing you do for now. You can't change them but you can change your reaction to them. Finally, you want to be a doctor, I understand. Why not give it a shot? If you don't try, you won't know if you can do it or not. But not even trying may be worse than having failed at doing it. Give it your best effort to become a doctor. I read many of your messages and believe if you have such insight and intelligence, you would make a very compassionate and competent doctor. But, it takes work, lots of work to even get into medical school then to graduate and finish residency. If you feel you don't have the stamina nor perseverance to endure such long hours of work and can't remain coherent throughout, then may be it is not for you. Why don't you volunteer at a nursing home or hospital and see what it is like to be in the hospital. Once you see with your own eyes what is it like to be in a clinical setting or hospital, then you can make a wiser decision whether or not you can become a doctor. How about being an emergency medical technician? They ride on ambulances and work along side paramedics. You also can get paid and see a lot of medical emergencies. This may be your best bet.


I don't have a set guideline for advice. I am just writing whatever comes to mind. You have much to offer, I believe. So, 1. stay away from your family 2. remain stable mentally- if this means taking medication or receiving therapy then do it 3. remain healthy- reduce the amount of stress you undertake and eat healthy 4. if you want to do medicine, think about becoming an EMT or emergency medical technician 5. live life and enjoy life- if all you do is work for the future and it does not work out for you, then it will be a waste of effort 6. make a difference to others- helping when you can but always making sure that you help yourself first 7. don't let your past affect your future- make wise decisions in the present by seeking advice from people who you respect 8. enjoy the small things in life and be grateful for what you have 9. be positive instead of seeing the glass half-empty, believe in yourself 10. never give up on hope, when things seem like they are crashing around you, believe that there is hope that things will become better and improve 11. Remember all things in life are temporary and if you are in a bad situation, it will pass and one day you will have good days that will make you realize that life is worth living for.

Best wishes!

I personally thank you for such an inspiring post!

I believe I can handle the stress in med school now... It's that I am scared people may think I am crazy which contributes to around 80% of total stress. In med school, the teachers are actually able to understand me and then help me. If I minimize my social interaction while doing the eleven things you mentioned, I think I can and will be a successful doctor. I am ready to work hard as I can. It's another thing to memorize in a good college hostel what I truly love and another thing to memorize what mimics what I love in such a toxic environment, which I believe makes it way more easier to forget than it should...

I have memory loss and I am kind of afraid to lose my "gift" of talent in medicine. So much I have been "practicing" psychological diagnosing since I left 10th grade (high school.) That's why I sometime figure out what goes inside people's heads here online. And that I can quickly recognize the signs of psychological manipulation. But memory loss, man as if the nerve damage in my hands wasn't enough....

But I will keep try, I will keep practicing 'till I become perfect. I still have attempts left to try to get into med school. I will leave med school as a surgeon, I believe in myself! I swear this to my life.