[mnunez14]

Hi Everyone-

I apologize in advance if this seems all over the place. So, long story short, ever since I was little, I was a victim of bullying (in my family, at my school). My middle sister & I were constantly fighting, to the point that she was always the one who became physically aggressive constantly
[ trigger ](trying to push a tv on my head, one time she choked me out, hit me with a phone receiver, etc).[ /trigger ]
My parents & grandparents, constantly compared the two of us (since the youngest is special needs, they never did any comparisons with her). So as a result, there was more jealousy from Jen (middle sister or ms), than there was from my side. The bullying that came from my parents & grandparents was the constant "guilt trips" when I refused to do something (i.e. give them money from jobs I earned growing up, didn't wear dresses because I was a tomboy, etc) & that said occasion was ruined because Melissa is being selfish. So as a result of said guilt trips, I caved- constantly. With my grandparents, if something was given or bought, my grandmother would constantly use it as ammo for holding it above our heads & constantly reminding us of everything she had done for us, etc etc etc.

As a result of this hostile type home environment, when I started to hit my teens, I started withdrawing more. By the time I was 17, I was constantly in my room (which I also shared with both of my sisters). I had no desire to spend "quality time" with my family, I just counted the days that were left before I could be away from this family. Now, I just want to interject here saying, that yes, there were good times we had. But looking back on things, I honestly think there were more bad than good times. So much to my family's dismay, when I finally turned 18, I got involved with an abusive man. As a result of the abuse, I cut my family off for 4 years. When Jen (ms) became pregnant & was getting married, that was when I had come back into communication with my family. For a while, things were extremely awkward & somewhat hostile (mostly from hurt that family members were experiencing), but what I felt, like a good daughter, I allowed them to do it. I regretted the time I spent away, so felt I needed to take my punishments accordingly, apologized to everyone.

As time passed, shortly after my niece was born, even more hostility came between Jen & I, down to the point of she wanted to control how I could see my nieces & nephew, saying things like I was a bad influence & I would cause them to do horrible things. Needless to say, this hurt, so much to the point that I was ready to walk away all over again. But, instead I decided to just keep everyone at arms length. It just seemed easier, as this would serve 2 purposes: being in communication with my family still & hopes their toxicity wouldn't affect me as much as an adult.

As time has gone on, my father developed stage 4 metastatic renal cancer & now my mother developing Essential Tremors; I started rebuilding a relationship with all my family. However, as time (the last 10 years or so), I've found myself at odds again with my family for various reasons:

1) My parents: They have always been terrible with money, I can remember as a child their poor choices & fighting constantly over money. Even to this day, my grandmother pays for anytime they need anything. After my mother lost her job, she had $250k payout from her annuity/retirement, to which, basically (despite asking for advice & help) blew everything, so now basically they have nothing. Because of the now medical statuses both my parents are at, they cannot work. Just recently, my sister paid for one of their cats to be treated for a uti (they have 5 animals), and basically in that tone of "well since you were struggling with deciding whether to help us, your sister just paid for the whole thing". As a result, I feel like I'm a terrible daughter because yes, they've helped me in the past & there have been times where I've also helped them out financially.It even went to the point where I told them I wasn't going to give them any more money because at one point my mother DEMANDED that I give her $200 as a Christmas present because she's my mother & they needed money to pay bills. But I also realize that if I continue to help them financially, that's just enabling bad habits. Not to mention, they refuse to give up any of their luxuries (i.e. cable tv, cell phones or their landline, cutting back on bills).

2) (MS) Jen: My sister, has had 2 physical affairs with men, that I don't think her husband knows about. Only the fact, that she had been talking with several other different men. When we've gone out recently, my sister likes to tell people that I "smoke" & that I've tried to get her to join in (she has Epilepsy- which I feel would help her greatly, but whatever), the result of that is I feel like she's telling people this because she wants them to see that I'm a bad person? The BF & I invited them on a weekend getaway, to which, at the start, everything was fine. Then they started fighting, horribly, to which we thought they weren't coming. Only to find out the week of, they had made up & decided to come along. I expressed adamantly to my sister that, if they had any sort of altercation/arguments/issues, I was going to remove myself from the situation, as we were going on this trip to have a good time. Long story short, while on the trip, my sister (drunk) decided that because she didn't receive constant validation from her husband that she would talk to another man while on the trip (husband found out), got into a huge fight, & sis decided she needed more attention
[ trigger ]& took the remaining 7 sleeping pills[ /trigger ]
when she got back to the hotel.Which resulted in us fighting because, she broke her promise & I was extremely angry. To which, then her husband called the police & they admitted her to the hospital. When her husband asked if I wanted to go to the hospital, I told him no & as a result, Jen was pissed because I refused to drop the rest of my vacation & stay with her the entire time at the hospital. When we got back into town, she decided to tell her oldest daughter (who was 16 at the time) & so then I proceeded to get into a fight with her. This was back in Oct, since then, we've been on very shaky ground & barely talk to each other. So fast forward to this month. She posted a political thing online (I'm not a supporter of Trump & she is), so after trying to debate things with her (I was using facts), she decides to tag 3 of her friends (2 of which were just assholes- name calling, insulting, etc- now to be fair, I did call my sister ignorant because she doesn't care to see the entire situation for what it is). So after I stopped trying to partake in discussion cause, I know that it ended up being a futile effort. She goes on my page & replies under one of my posts, to which we get in a discussion of why I feel that tax dollars would be better off benefitting services like universal healthcare & mental illness facilities, etc. To which she then brings up Norway and that I should move there. I tell her that if I had the money I would've done so awhile ago. To which she in turn responds with "Well, why don't you use the money our poor grandmother gave you in your envelope (my grandma gave myself & my youngest sister envelopes which has several documents & some money in there- like a few hundred dollars- Jen didn't get one because she's married & they are very well to do- like over $100K yearly income). So pissed off about that I text her & she brings up the whole situation from Oct & how if it would've been my bf I would've dropped everything. I responded back saying that if it would've been my bf I would've been planning a funeral because his depression is way more severe (he's attempted to take his own life a few times- before he met me). I also then proceed to tell her that it doesn't matter on the times I've been there because like our grandmother, she's quick to point out & amplify my mistakes or the things I don't do. So of course, she doesn't respond & then several days later, she starts responding on several posts things like "I blame Obama". So I just don't bother responding at all. Then yesterday (1/29) I see a post where it says nothing other than her feeling heartbroken. So I immediately think it has to do with one of the kids (2 of them suffer from severe depression, where both have attempted to take their own lives). So I text her asking if she's ok. She never responded (so guess she's made her decision to completely not talk to me anymore).

So, lately, I feel like I just don't belong in my family anymore. I mean I really do love them. But it feels like I'm a kid all over again because to them, I'm a terrible sister/daughter & I'm selfish, etc. I don't honestly know what to do. I mean, I don't want to cut anyone off & out of my life, but it seems more & more like there's really no place for me in my family anymore. As a result, my BF thinks that I shouldn't give my parents money & as far as Jen goes, thinks I should just cut her out of my life. I feel very unsettled & my bf is angry because of how he sees them treat me. He keeps telling me that it's just like hitting my head against the proverbial wall in futility. I just feel so stuck.

Again, apologies for the length & if this is all over the place, I just needed to vent all this out. Any suggestions?

First off, yes, I would agree that bullying in a form of abuse.
Secondly, If you are living at home then you should be paying rent to your parents and your share of the electric, gas, water, trash (you should be). You are not a child anymore. Personally I think that you are all way too much involved in each other's lives.

[mnunez14]

Originally Posted by ForWhatItsWorth2U

First off, yes, I would agree that bullying in a form of abuse.
Secondly, If you are living at home then you should be paying rent to your parents and your share of the electric, gas, water, trash (you should be). You are not a child anymore. Personally I think that you are all way too much involved in each other's lives.

Well I haven't been living at home since 2013. Although, when I was living with my parents, I did pay them $400 a month for rent (I bought my own food & other than sleeping in the bed at night and the 1 or 2 days a week I was at home the whole day- I'd play video games)

As being growing up in a mexican family, it's been ingrained that always someone in the family is gonna know about something, not to mention the volume of talking over each other. I've personally tried to keep most of the stuff to myself, unless any of my family actually cares to ask me when we now get together for family events or if I call them on their birthdays to wish them well.

Ah, I didn't think about you being Mexican. Yes, Mexican families are tight and many generations often live in the same house. I am sorry if I came across as mean/rude.

[mnunez14]

Originally Posted by ForWhatItsWorth2U

Ah, I didn't think about you being Mexican. Yes, Mexican families are tight and many generations often live in the same house. I am sorry if I came across as mean/rude.

No not at all! I mean it's hard to tell what anyone's story is unless it's brought up.

Fortunately, I didn't have to live with my grandparents in the same house. But, because my grandparents owned the house we were living in growing up. My parents didn't pay rent, but that also meant more often that grandma would throw that in our faces often, along with the countless times she did and still does bail them out.

So I reread your first post. Lots of stuff going on there. I would agree with your BF about giving your parents money. They are responsible for themselves. Don't let them our your grandma guilt you. They raised you and now you are a responsible adult. They should be happy and proud about that. You need your money for your future as well as for now. Jen has no right to be mad at you for not dropping your vacation. Had she not OD on the sleeping pills she wouldn't have ended up in the hospital in the first place. I would remind her of that.

[mnunez14]

Originally Posted by ForWhatItsWorth2U

So I reread your first post. Lots of stuff going on there. I would agree with your BF about giving your parents money. They are responsible for themselves. Don't let them our your grandma guilt you. They raised you and now you are a responsible adult. They should be happy and proud about that. You need your money for your future as well as for now. Jen has no right to be mad at you for not dropping your vacation. Had she not OD on the sleeping pills she wouldn't have ended up in the hospital in the first place. I would remind her of that.

Thank you. You know, it's so super frustrating because I know that I'm not perfect & like everyone else, I've made mistakes and poor choices in my life. And I've worked extremely hard to get to where I am; where my financial choices are a lot better & trying to repair what I am able to. But at the same time, when you have a materialistic family who is overbearing & you're getting compared to your sister who is well off because she married a man with money, it's constantly repeating and telling them that it's not right or fair of them to do that. But just goes in one ear and out the other. I've never personally cared to marry or be with someone just because they have money. All I wanted for my life is to be happy, money is something I've always (and I mean from the time I was a child) had the mentality & view that can't make you happy. (And honestly, that probably has to do with the enormous fights my parents got into all the time about money).

Sadly, bringing that situation up with Jen & reminding her of those facts, never did any good because all she sees is that I hurt her.

My bf says that they're all very self-centered people who don't care about anything, just them them them. And as much as I have habit to see the good in everyone, I reluctantly know he's right about his perspective of them. All it does is make me sad because I feel like I failed with my family. They always say that everyone that comes into your life for a purpose & family (I believe are no different), it's just sad that they refuse to change or learn so they can be better off in so many ways.

I thank you so much though for letting me vent.

You're welcome. I think that you are wise to see what is going on. Try not to let them bring you down.

[shannonwalter201]

It takes work from both people to make a relationship whether family or not. I would say that the bullying is mental abuse and is not good for you and that you shouldn't accept that. You deserve better! You should be very proud of yourself that u can support yourself and help others with the upbringing that u have had. I would say however that bailing your parents out over and over again is not helping anyone and it doesn't help that they don't appreciate it, that they just expect it.

[mnunez14]

Originally Posted by shannonwalter201

It takes work from both people to make a relationship whether family or not. I would say that the bullying is mental abuse and is not good for you and that you shouldn't accept that. You deserve better! You should be very proud of yourself that u can support yourself and help others with the upbringing that u have had. I would say however that bailing your parents out over and over again is not helping anyone and it doesn't help that they don't appreciate it, that they just expect it.

Thank you. It's difficult when you're the only one in your family to see behavior & attitude like this, but everyone else thinks it's acceptable.

I had about a 30-45 minute phone conversation with my mother last night about everything that had been going on especially with my sister & although, I don't think she fully agrees that I made the right decision about Oct when Jen decided to act out on vacation. She does say that there's no good that comes of living in the past. But then it was interesting, because I just completely opened up about the bullying, how I felt, and why for all those last few years of my teenager years I withdrew completely from everyone & even now, as to why I am somewhat distant with the family, I cannot take the toxicity. As a result of this, I calmly explained to my mother that outside of certain family events for the sake of my nieces & nephew, I will not be attending most family events & the ones that I do attend from now on, will be limited in time. Surprisingly, my mother understood & didn't berate me for my decision or try to change my mindset on this!

And she also apologized for asking for money, she said that she doesn't like taking money from everyone. But I also made it a point in telling her, that things need to change so they don't run into situations like this anymore, esp now that both her & my dad are going to be on disability, they need to start making necessary changes now, so if a more severe issue happens, they can be prepared for it.

Fortunately, due to my mom's condition, they are ordering her to go to therapy! I was actually happy to hear this news, because out of everyone in my family, I always felt the closest to my mother. Maybe hearing similar things I've said, will maybe now sink in when she hears it from the therapist. And I told her (she is a survivor of abuse herself: my grandfather was a horrible violent alcoholic for many decades, who constantly took things out on my mom & her siblings) that she would be surprised when she goes to therapy because there will be things that she will have to face & she will realize about herself that will help her in the long run- mentally, emotionally, etc.

But I will say that it felt great to get everything I had been feeling the last few weeks off my chest and I slept so hard last night because of it. But I think it seems like I am making progress! I feel so proud of myself!!!

Wow! I'm happy for you! I'm so glad that your mother listened to how you felt and that she even understood you! Amazing! I hope that she will benefit from therapy and that the both of you will have a stronger relationship. What a blessing

[mnunez14]

Originally Posted by ForWhatItsWorth2U

Wow! I'm happy for you! I'm so glad that your mother listened to how you felt and that she even understood you! Amazing! I hope that she will benefit from therapy and that the both of you will have a stronger relationship. What a blessing

Thanks! It's a start at least. I do hope that she does benefit from it. It seems the difference between my mother & my father, is that my mother is at least willing to listen instead of living in stubborness like my father. He is so hard headed that you'd probably be able to crack marble on his head. Anyways, hopefully through this improvement, there will be good things around for all!

[Gravm]

Bullying is abuse in my book. Sorry this happened to you.