[Monkey1111]

I have come to the realization that my parents are narcissists around 6 months ago. During this time, they have largely been decent towards me. However, I am fairly confident that this is hoovering. When I say fairly confident, I'm saying that I'm 95% sure that they are narcs who are simply being "nice" for a while to keep me lured in and under their thumb or they have merely changed up their strategies of trying to change who I am to fit their image and/or possibly even begun the smear campaign. My issues with my narc parents largely stems from their feelings of disgust and narcissistic rage towards me for not being straight, but there were issues on and off prior to this as well.

Lately, my narc mother (who was the most emotionally abusive of them in response to this issue, my father is also toxic in his own way but seems to have no particular cause or agenda and is more just very irritable and grumpy much of the time) has been talking to me as though she is curious about my plans for the future. She says that she has "no particular agenda" (which is most likely lies). During arguments with her (e.g. not really arguments, just one sided narcissistic attacks on me for not being straight) in between stating that she wanted to discard me and saying that I "look like a billboard of stupid" along with other disgusting narcissistic attacks (e.g. saying that she doesn't want to be part of my life, that she's done with me, etc.), she has said on several occasions, "I think you're trying to look like a woman and I can't handle it." and said other things indicating that she thought I was questioning my gender when I'm not. However, it was impossible to reason with her about it and as usual it was circular. Then, once while not in an argumentative way and in a rational tone of voice, she simply asked me if I had "gender identity issues" and I was able to tell her no. However, unlike the other times, her tone wasn't one of discarding but more of acting as though she genuinely was concerned about my future (which I'm assuming was phony, though I can't be certain).

But their (especially my Mom's) recent behavior that seems as though she is interested in my life and acting different than her usual adversarial and abusive behavior is affecting me. I know that I probably shouldn't let it, but it's very hard not to. I originally planned to leave here and go no contact, which is likely the only way to deal with someone like this. However, I didn't. I said to myself when the "hoovering" began that I'd leave by January (I am 25 years old btw), but I'm still here now. I even have considered engaging with her when she acting "nice" and like she wants to play the role of a non-abusive parent. Obviously, I know not to give them any new information about anything but I really don't know what to do.

During times that they were actively abusive and harassing me, the idea of no contact was appealing to me. I began to increasingly move my mind in that direction but now the recent "change" in behavior has had me going in the other direction of even considering taking her "change" seriously and attempting to have normal, non-gray rock interactions with her. However, I just cannot bring myself to do that either, as the abusive behavior has me conditioned into being very superficial and nervous while around them.

I will say that if I do choose to engage and they take the expected course of action to return to abuse (which I am 95% sure they will, because the one thing I understand about malignant narcs/sociopaths is that they DO NOT change and DO NOT feel remorse for their actions under any circumstances and are 100% DEVOID of empathy or compassion), I do intend to go no contact. I don't see how I could not just go for it. However, I would be basically just escaping from them. I would simply be gathering my things, getting on a bus to a town located where I went to college where I have some friends (who would be a chosen family of sorts), and even though I am an adult, the prospect of essentially just taking off and leaving people who meat the world to me since I was a small child is rather scary.

I have two fears about leaving this all behind me. One fear is that they are right, that without them I am incapable of functioning and will end up homeless on the street (this is what they told me whenever I expressed a desire to leave). I know this not to be true, and I know that this was likely either just said out of irrational fear or as a form of manipulation (or some combination of the two). However, the whole "you wouldn't make it" rhetoric has gotten into my head and made me extremely nervous, even despite plans I make in my head. The other fear is that I fear for my emotional state. I simply have no idea what it would be like if I went no contact, and I have this fear that I would fall apart. I also do consciously know this not to be true, but it is a very scary prospect to be truly ALONE in the world. However, being alone is better than being emotionally abused. So, I suppose I just need a bit of encouragement to go through with it assuming I need to go through with this odd sort of "moving out" (e.g. escaping abuse).

However, I just can't bring myself to go through with it now. Yes, I am familiar with the F.O.G., and I suppose I have it all. The fear like I said, the obligation (which is what I'm about to describe) and the guilt (also what I'm about to describe). With the way that my Mom has been, I do want to try to have a meaningful discussion with her. I am not saying this because I think I will be able to. I think that the idea of such a thing is extremely unlikely, as it hasn't happened in the past and narcs don't change. However, on that tiny 5% chance that they have decided to do something other than abuse, reject, and judge, I do feel like I want to and should give them a chance to do something different as she says that is what she wants to do (e.g. no apologies or anything, though she did say that she has "no particular agenda" which I don't believe but I feel like I want to and should give her a chance). After this chance that is likely just going to be a waste of my time, assuming that they do the same thing they always have, I'll have to follow through with the no contact route. But like I said, it's tough...... but assuming that is how things go, it is my only real option. However, right now, if I just abruptly cut them off right now, I would constantly ask myself if they weren't just hoovering, actually changed, and that I didn't give them a chance and just wonder about it all constantly.

But at the same time, I would kind of be obligated to remain NC as if I went back on it the abruptness of it would prevent me from being seen by them as trustworthy even if they did decide to do something different than the past and perhaps even cause them to see me as a highly unpredictable and rather erratic person. Knowing them, odds are they would simply be enraged/angry that I dared to go NC, thus I would never really know if there was any point in giving them a chance or not. However, the thought would really plague me otherwise. Because my 95% certainty isn't and will never be a 100% certainty that there has been no change until I actually try talking to them and will need to act outside of gray rock to do so. However, I need to know, and this voyage out of gray rock will likely be very brief and merely a necessary part of transition to NC. Though, I suppose there is a minute possibility that I will be able to interact with them normally in the future, though I realize that it is incredibly unlikely.

[DP_2017]

I understand the stress of parents like this, I only recently realized my mom was too, I thought It was normal to love this way

Anyway, very big dilemma, I am unsure of any good advice sadly

However, good place I would suggest, go to reddit.com its another forum... they have a "Raised By Narssacist" (totally spelled that wrong) place on there and its super helpful. Ive got lots of good support and feedback from it.

Sorry you are going through this (And yes the NICE phase sucks)

[Monkey1111]

Originally Posted by DP_2017

I understand the stress of parents like this, I only recently realized my mom was too, I thought It was normal to love this way

Anyway, very big dilemma, I am unsure of any good advice sadly

However, good place I would suggest, go to reddit.com its another forum... they have a "Raised By Narssacist" (totally spelled that wrong) place on there and its super helpful. Ive got lots of good support and feedback from it.

Sorry you are going through this (And yes the NICE phase sucks)

Yeah, just so you know I have no intention on staying if I see any indication of things being anything like it looked before. Because this sort of back and forth abuse is like a cat playing with a mouse for a bit and letting it run around for a while and batting it around a bit every now and then. Because we all know what the mouse ends is in this metaphprical scenario...... breakfast/lunch/dinner. And I'm not letting anybody metaphorically eat me. At this point, perhaps they're getting hungry from all the batting around and just looking for a good metaphorical meal after all that exercise, so I realize that it's time to be ready to emotionally defend myself when I start trying to happily run around this time but unlike the mouse I'm no little mouse. I just played along with the ******** when I didn't realize what they were. To be honest, I very much doubt that their "nice" behavior means anything at all. As soon as they feel like it (e.g. when I'm not expecting it), they'll go back to tearing me down and abusing me. Only this time, I am DONE and am leaving and never speaking to them ever again, but there's part of me that feels like I'll need some encouragement to make sure that I actually follow through. Because if it goes like I'm expecting, that's what I'll have to do, and the problem is that I'm still dealing with hang-ups and am indecisive even though I realize I not only shouldn't be but can't be. If this is the people that they are (and I'm 95% sure they are), when I realize it 100% as opposed to 95% and I will, I need to follow through with my plans of cutting all ties.