[Nike007]

So I guess for me, I've been looking back at my life now and have realized that I was, and kinda still am, emotionally abused. I think what triggered me to realize this was right after I was sexually assaulted about a month ago. I've been talking about assault with my psychologist and then I kinda have talked about the tension within my family, and now that I've been talking over that it doesn't really matter "how bad" something was, whether physical, sexual, or emotional, but on the impact of it. So now that I have looked back at things said to me from my family, I now realize that they were not things a parent should say to their child. A lot of it was about my weight and sometimes it was about mental illness that I deal with. I have realized that this is a main contributor for feeling ashamed of myself and a cause to my low self esteem/self worth. I have a hard time looking at myself and loving how I look.

I've had other things too which I have realized that made me lose my childhood. My parents are divorced, and each of them would tell me things about the other parent (their ex) they hate in them and make me feel that I had to choose a parent to love. I was also told about the finances of my family and how money was a big factor in the divorce. I also had to communicate between my parents because they wouldn't do so themselves. Even when I asked my lawyer (part of the my parents' divorce) about me not talking between them, my parents told me that I had to do deal with it and they wouldn't stop.

Anyways, even throughout all this, I never really saw this as abuse of some form until now. I guess I wanted to see my parents in a good light. I have been pointed out by people that what they were doing was wrong, but not that it was abuse. I would say this happened right after my parents got divorced when I was 10 until even now. It just doesn't happen as much now since I'm not living at home luckily.

How did you come to accept that you were abused? I just think this is an important first step I need to make with myself in order to work on dealing and continue to deal with coping with abuse. Thank you.

[gmts]

Dear Nike007,

while sexual and physical abuse are overt and obvious, emotional abuse is rather covert and therefore rather difficult to see and understand. And therefore it is sometimes a bit difficult to say if it really was abuse or not. But either way, the feelings that go with it are just the same and this is the point.

I highly recommend to join "Adult Children of Alcolholics" online meetings. The ACA includes explicitly adult children of dysfunctional families. Alcoholic familes are automatically dysfunctional, but the thing is, that alcohol or drug abuse don't have to be present for a family to be dysfunctional, like in my case.

I've been participating in those online meetings for about a year and it has done miracles to me. What happens is there for sure is that your feelings are being validated. The experiences other people share might be different and yet the feelings that they express and share are just the same. A therapist usually just keeps on staring at you and taking notes. Friends usually just give you that sceptical doubtful look and indifferent response, because they haven't been through what you have been through and they just can't imagine.

But such a peer group really gives you confirmation and validation. And when you really see that your feelings are real and you're not crazy, this is extremely helpful and actually believe in yourself and this is the point from where you can start healing.

[wordshaker]

Hi Nike,

I grew up with sexual abuse and a certain amount of "unintentional" neglect. As an adult I married someone physically abusive and left for that reason. I later remarried a covert narcissist whom I stayed with for 15 years. It was so hard to see my life experience with my second husband as abusive without the crossing of physical boundaries, but the emotional abuse I suffered was so much more intense and personal. I used to feel like my head was being torn into two.

I left my husband because my inner voice began to shout, "GET OUT! GET OUT!" but still I didn't think anything was abusive. The realization that I had been abused all those years, --the dread, the confusion, the systematic dismantling of my self -- was like floodgates opening and my entire world, the fake world I'd worked so hard to portray, came crashing down in pieces on my head.

Oddly, the precipitant was that I was in Marshalls getting myself a dress, something I hadn't done in a long time. A lady in the dressing room gave me a complement, and I hugged her, tearing up and saying I'd just left my husband and it'd been really bad for awhile. Back in my car everything suddenly connected: I. Was. Abused. I was flooded with all kinds of emotion. It's so mind boggling to think that you were being abused and you didn't know it. But without being hit, I just couldn't see it. Until I did.

Emotional abuse is like that. My first husband smashed my head into walls, but my second husband could make my head explode over and over again without touching me. The sheer reality-defying pain emotional abuse inflicts without the raising of a hand is enough to blow anyone's mind. Physical abuse is honest. You can describe it. You can measure it. Emotional abuse is so much more insidiously corrosive than that. Phew. Hard to even talk about.

Thanks for sharing. I hope my experience helps you.

[Nike007]

Originally Posted by wordshaker

Hi Nike,


I grew up with sexual abuse and a certain amount of "unintentional" neglect. As an adult I married someone physically abusive and left for that reason. I later remarried a covert narcissist whom I stayed with for 15 years. It was so hard to see my life experience with my second husband as abusive without the crossing of physical boundaries, but the emotional abuse I suffered was so much more intense and personal. I used to feel like my head was being torn into two.


I left my husband because my inner voice began to shout, "GET OUT! GET OUT!" but still I didn't think anything was abusive. The realization that I had been abused all those years, --the dread, the confusion, the systematic dismantling of my self -- was like floodgates opening and my entire world, the fake world I'd worked so hard to portray, came crashing down in pieces on my head.


Oddly, the precipitant was that I was in Marshalls getting myself a dress, something I hadn't done in a long time. A lady in the dressing room gave me a complement, and I hugged her, tearing up and saying I'd just left my husband and it'd been really bad for awhile. Back in my car everything suddenly connected: I. Was. Abused. I was flooded with all kinds of emotion. It's so mind boggling to think that you were being abused and you didn't know it. But without being hit, I just couldn't see it. Until I did.


Emotional abuse is like that. My first husband smashed my head into walls, but my second husband could make my head explode over and over again without touching me. The sheer reality-defying pain emotional abuse inflicts without the raising of a hand is enough to blow anyone's mind. Physical abuse is honest. You can describe it. You can measure it. Emotional abuse is so much more insidiously corrosive than that. Phew. Hard to even talk about.


Thanks for sharing. I hope my experience helps you.

Thank you for sharing your experience and I’m sorry you have had to suffer.

For me, I’m kinda am realizing now because I feel better living by myself. And when I would tell my friends what my family did to me, they would be surprised and tell me that it wasn’t right. At home, I felt like I was walking on eggshells and that I had no place to turn. I should have some concern when I remember years ago telling myself that I would rather be at school 24/7 than at home because I couldn’t take my home life anymore.

Now, I just hate myself as a person, and realize that I have abandonment issues and am constantly seeking out the feeling of love and wanting to be cared for because I lacked that as a child. I would just tell myself that I want to seek out love (or hugs) because of autism sensory issues, but it connects more with the feeling of not being loved.

I guess I’m on my slow way to recovery...

[wordshaker]

Originally Posted by Nike007

Now, I just hate myself as a person, and realize that I have abandonment issues and am constantly seeking out the feeling of love and wanting to be cared for because I lacked that as a child. I would just tell myself that I want to seek out love (or hugs) because of autism sensory issues, but it connects more with the feeling of not being loved.

I guess I’m on my slow way to recovery...

I have the very same issues at you, including sensory and feeling autistic-like sometimes. I believe children who are abused have brain changes. It can look like ADD, ADHD, Executive Function disorder and ASD - but the cause is abuse. It helps to understand it and have insight, and to be as forgiving to yourself as you can because the challenge you face to do normal things is real. And please be wary of people who will exploit your vulnerability for their own gain - they can be very deceiving early on. I like the idea of connecting to ACA groups, where others will share your experience of not getting what you needed, and getting hurt instead. Wish you well.