Always a target for narcs and abusers -- how to change this???

Hi everyone, my fellow PCers,

So for all of my life I have been a chosen target for narcissists and/or abusers. Not every relationship has been like this, but many upon many. Too many!

My dad is pretty narcissistic, he's been controlling and emotionally abusive while I was growing up. I faced a lot of criticism vs. supportive nurturing as a child. And admonishment/chastising for my emotions. My upset feelings were never validated or acceptable.

I've had years of therapy. Over the years, my self esteem and self identity has improved vastly.

Today, I am a fairly confident, successful woman with a strong sense of self and self-worth. When I recognize abuse, I get out of the relationship. It may take me some time, but I do it. I don't drag out these situations for years. I see it, I feel it and I get out. So that's the good news.

The bad news is: I keep attracting the same types of men over and over again, and I want to break the pattern, but I don't know how? I am 47 -- enough is enough already!

I am working with my therapist on identifying and recognizing red flags from the outset.

But what else can I do???

The last guy I dated I suspect may be NPD -- yet another one. How do I conduct myself so that I am not a target for abusers and NPDs? They deliberately choose their targets. I know this because I have read it.

I am a very honest, very nice, soft hearted, kind, compassionate and open person... probably far too nice and accepting of people. But WHY am I attracting abusers???? What is it about me that brings them all to me? Do I need to come across as more of a biotch??

TY so much for your help!

Hi Goldeneye,
I have been looking at this topic also. I came across a book, the human magnet syndrome and it made a lot of sense of this issue for me. You can Youtube search the book and author, who puts a number of videos there. I stumbled upon Codependents Anonymous, CoDA, while on this search and their groups can be a good resource for people who want to understand and change from within.

From their site:
"Welcome to Co-Dependents Anonymous, a fellowship of men and women whose common purpose is to develop healthy relationships. The only requirement for membership is a desire for healthy and loving relationships."

I haven't tried it yet, but I'm considering it. It tends to have less of the narcissistic and abusive members because they do not tend to look for help to be better. It's more people who get hurt. I'm not crazy over the name, but I think it fits what we're talking about.

TY so much!!! I will look into both!!

You answered your own question. You are soft hearted and compassionate.

It's easier to target someone who feels empathy. If you're soft hearted, you're probably more forgiving. You're probably more sensitive, making you easier to hurt.

I also grew up with a Narcissistic father, I married one, and I've dated a few. I hear where you're coming from.

Know the red flags. That's my first piece of advice.

Thank you for your input and reply!

Yes, I am very sensitive, very forgiving and can be hurt easily. I don't have very thick skin sometimes.

Ok, so start with the red flags - thank you!

I'm familiar with his book The Human Magnet Syndrome. Personally (and this is just me), I have trouble with his ideas.

I do believe that when we are starved for love growing up, we have a much higher tendency to develop unhealthy relationship patterns as an adult.

For myself, I know that love bombing feels good and sometimes I have trouble recognizing the more subtle forms of affection and love.

But, I don't think I have a "syndrome". Bonding intimately and feeling loved is a primal, basic human need. Having an unhealthy attachment style is something to be aware of, but I don't believe in co-dependency in the way he talks about it. That's just me. YMMV

I am also someone of faith and I believe in reincarnation and karma. We experience things to learn a lesson. What if my horrendous, abusive relationship with my ex-husband was something I needed to experience to learn from a past life?

Ty as well for your reply!

I will check out this author's work anyways and see what i think.

Thing is. I have worked on self-love for years and I love myself far better than I used to. I used to not like myself very much. But perhaps I am still love starved I don't know? Or maybe I just want to be in love and find my life partner so badly that I accept and overlook the red flags..... with my ex fiance, this was the case. I overlooked ALL red flags, and he turned out to be kind of abusive.

And I used to be more co-dependent but I don't think I am anymore. I don't feel the need to fix someone's problems or take them all on as my own in order to have love and to be loved.

https://www.psychopathfree.com/artic...-targeted.265/

TY! Great article!

I don't believe we draw anyone to us; it is just that there are SO many abusive people in the world. One in 3 women will be physically assaulted and it all begins with verbal abuse. The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans is a book which I believe everyone should read. It saved my life....don't ever blame yourself for what someone else says or does.

TY, though I have read the opposite. That abusers deliberately choose their victims and targets. I have read this more than once. And when it's a pattern in your life, you have to ask yourself what is going on and why me all the time?

I don't blame myself but I want to know how to spot and avoid these types in the future. And I know I must be drawing them to me somehow. They are choosing me.

Well, you always have boundaries and when someone over steps the mark, you'll know when it's time to cut contact or whatever. That's my thoughts.

TY HappyCheeks! This is so true!!

Totally agree! Boundaries are essential.

Hi golden_eve. I am on the quest to improve my communication skills so I have the tools to meet anyone and be safe and happy. I attract people who have struggled with life and I am attracted to people who look beneath the surface. My ex and my dad were on the narcissist spectrum. They had some amazing gifts as well as all the abusive behavior that went with narcissism. The more I learn to say what I want and stick to it, the more my ex looks at me in horror. I go for a walk when I don't want to deal with whatever he is selling, I say "no", I zip my mouth when he dangles bait for me to give him advice so he can leap over my boundaries. So how does one attract people more towards the healthy spectrum of life? If I look at myself, I am not sure I will get there anytime soon. So I'll keep welcoming people into my life and when it feels right to step away, I'll do that - just like you.

I think that if someone experiences a parent that is high on the spectrum of narcissism that person can develop a tendency to unknowingly want to please and accept when their boundaries are invaded because they are too young to know their boundaries are being disrespected. Also, often what is learned is how that parent is always right and everything revolves around "that parent" and typically the other parent is also controlled and is basically a servant to the parent that is narcissistic and controlling.

They leave a mark where if they do give love, it's a big deal, if they do give something, it's a big deal. So, what happens is they actually train their children to be very susceptible to partner up with someone who can be narcissistic. That means the child is often very vulnerable when they come across a narcissist that "love bombs" them.

I remember watching my friend, who had a narcissist husband, now ex, like me, talking to someone new. I could see the patterns and cues of words and subjects and ways of steering the conversation, that were not normal, that this new person used when he talked to her. She was open and trusting to him, listened carefully to what he was saying and not to the way he put words together. She responded respectfully and gave numerous openings for him to continue. I used to sit back and analyse my mom when I grew up, to try and avoid her hurting me. Later, I knew when a person, like my ex, was playing me, but I chose to focus only on whatever good points he had. I also didn't know I could call halt, and more importantly, that I could walk away.

TY! I wish you all the best! It sounds like you are on the right path...

TY! I believe you described me and my father.. and my mom. I know that I have put a guy's needs above my own in the past. I am trying to be better about this AND about boundaries when they are disrespected. My ex fiance love bombed me, and I fell for it hook line and sinker.

TY! I, too, have chosen to see only the good in someone and omit the bad! Now I trying to learn how to walk away far sooner.

I feel like we all feel this way at some point. Asking "why do they keep finding me?" Thinking it's something we're doing wrong. The thing is all wonderful people are targets for ugly, nasty people. They want awesome people because they're useful, they're attractive, they're real and honest and genuine, they're everything that a nasty person isn't. You can't beat yourself up for being an attractive person. But you can identify and maintain healthy boundaries, and like the therapist said learn those red flags. Listen to your gut, your friends, your kids (if you have them) -- listen to the tried and true people who already love you. Dig, research, follow your gut feelings, be careful. But don't blame yourself -- like you're NPD bait or something. An emotionally abusive person will get under the skin of anyone they can.

Love yourself first. Take care of your heart like it's the heart of your best friend -- don't give it away quickly or easily. Make them earn it and the one who is worth it WILL work for it, won't be selfish or demeaning.

I recently met two women in work life. The one is a project manager. Very nice person, using a "soft" management style such that everybody feels heard and understood, etc. However her face and her whole body language clearly state she has very firm boundaries and that you better don't mess with her. The other woman is a consultant of some sort. Also very nice, fancy dresses, certainly very bright. But she is very insecure, can't stand being looked into the eyes, doesn't display any boundaries, etc.
Probably not to hard to figure out who is prone for being abused and who not.

TY! This helps me..... I appreciate your different perspective and words of advice!

I may display something similar to the second woman's qualities a little bit.

Just throwing in my two cents— remember, you are finding them, you are attracted to them.