[leomama]

I really don’t have much truck with people who complain. I’ve witnessed all kinds of abuse in my life. A lot can be learned by observing people.
That being said child abuse is the hardest to deal with because you to have grow up in order to understand it. You can end a bad marriage, leave a bad relationship, deal with a bad supervisor. Children don’t have a voice in the media. When I was a child and confided in my teachers about my mom I was believed and she was reported however at home I was blamed for her problems .
I don’t have to forgive her to have a relationship with her. I can and have recovered. I now know how to end a conversation with her when she is being difficult .

[Skeezyks]

Thanks for sharing this. My parents are both long since gone now. All things considered, they were good parents. (They deserved better than they got from me.) Unfortunately I never did reach the level of understanding you have. I celebrate your insight.

[leomama]

Originally Posted by Skeezyks

Thanks for sharing this. My parents are both long since gone now. All things considered, they were good parents. (They deserved better than they got from me.) Unfortunately I never did reach the level of understanding you have. I celebrate your insight.

Mine were not good but they did the best they could and they are all I got so I’m thankful for them flaws and all.

[Countdownyears]

I definitely do not think you have to forgive them either. You are right in that. I also don't think you need to be thankful. I think it is more than ok to consider someone an arsehole and to still see them at Xmas because of the family bond/ tradition. I also think it is ok to not see them if that's what is needed. I am still trying to find the balance. And I do have a question for you. When I see my parents and because I have trained them to be nice now or they won't see me at all, I get the same child-like hope of them being the loving ones I longed for all my life (which will never happen) and then a humiliation or a criticism slips out and I'm devastated all over again. How do you manage that expectation/hope when you still retain a relationship with your mother? Or is it completely gone and you don't have it at all?

[leomama]

Originally Posted by Countdownyears

I definitely do not think you have to forgive them either. You are right in that. I also don't think you need to be thankful. I think it is more than ok to consider someone an arsehole and to still see them at Xmas because of the family bond/ tradition. I also think it is ok to not see them if that's what is needed. I am still trying to find the balance. And I do have a question for you. When I see my parents and because I have trained them to be nice now or they won't see me at all, I get the same child-like hope of them being the loving ones I longed for all my life (which will never happen) and then a humiliation or a criticism slips out and I'm devastated all over again. How do you manage that expectation/hope when you still retain a relationship with your mother? Or is it completely gone and you don't have it at all?

A good therapist helps with that. Mine reminds me that my parents are not capable of more and if they are toxic then don't contact them. Lately I've been "getting along" with them better, but I hate that phrase because it implies somehow the problems in the relationship are my doing, and they're not. Sensitive subject, for sure.