Yesterday was the first time the abuse got physical.

Twinmama831 · Apr 12, 2018, 05:01 PM

I have never posted on a forum like this before but I need some advice. Yesterday my family and I were staying at a resort. My husband wasnt handling our almost 2 year old twins well and our vacation was very stressful. Because of all the stress, yesterday it grew to a head and I grabbed my son and told him to behave but he threw his body back and landed on the floor hitting his head. Well, my husband then grabs me by my arm and neck, knocks me onto the bed abd says "dont you ever do that to him again". I did not purposely hurt my son! But he purposely hurt me. He left bruises on my arm and welts.. I dont know what to do anymore. I have put up with his emotional and mental abuse for years but this is the first time he has really hurt me. I love him and our family but I dont know what to think or feel.

Skeezyks · Apr 12, 2018, 07:40 PM

Hello Twinmama: I'm sorry you & your family are faced with this most difficult situation.

I see this is your first post here on PC. So... welcome to PsychCentral!

Hopefully coming here to PC can be of some comfort & support.

May I suggest you introduce yourself to the general membership over on our New Members Introductions forum? Here's a link:

https://forums.psychcentral.com/new-...introductions/

One other forum that may be of interest would be the Healthy Parenting forum:

https://forums.psychcentral.com/healthy-parenting/

I'm not sure what kind of advice I could offer you here.

Perhaps there will be some other members who can share some personal experiences & offer some helpful suggestions. What occurs to me is that perhaps there is a need for some individual counseling for you (& probably for your husband as well) and also some marriage & family counseling for the two of you. Two years olds can certainly be a challenge. And you have two of them! So you certainly have your hands full so to speak.

I'll also toss in a couple on effective parenting of young children since that was apparently the spark that ignited your husband's abusive reaction:

https://psychcentral.com/blog/how-to...young-toddler/

https://psychcentral.com/lib/the-5-c...-for-children/

https://psychcentral.com/lib/more-on...chooler/?all=1

https://psychcentral.com/lib/qa-disc...eschool-child/

My best wishes to you.

nicoleflynn · Apr 13, 2018, 07:20 AM

He needs therapy (just by himself) and then and only then it is appropriate to go as a couple. Find a good therapist for yourself. Your husband's abuse won't change (unless he gets his own therapy). You owe it to your children; they are innocent and have no power to change the abuse.

When children witness abuse, they are likely to grow up and repeat the pattern (either abusing someone else or allowing someone to abuse them).

Abuse can escalate over time; what if he puts you in the hospital or kills you? That sounds extreme, but abusers are irrational and you never know what will happen.

katydid777 · Apr 13, 2018, 07:46 AM

I agree with Skeezyks, and Nicoleflynn. Counciling is needed for your spouse, and anger management. I can see where 2, 2 year old toddlers could be a handful, specially when you are not home. If your spouse has been mentally abusing you, normally the next step is physical abuse. He needs help, and it doesn't usually get better without the help. I am going through some of what you are dealing with, so if you want to read my posts in divorce, you are more than welcome, and I will answer anything I can. Welcome to PC, and I hope you find what you are needing.

Wild Coyote · Apr 13, 2018, 10:45 AM

Hello twinmama831,

Welcome to PC.

I hope you find the information and the support you may be seeking.
Please make yourself at home. Jump in wherever you feel led to do so.

Your first 5 posts are approved by a moderator before they appear. After 5 approved posts, you will also have access to chatrooms and to the Private Messaging (PM) system.

I hope to see you around the forums.

WC

Apr 13, 2018, 11:12 AM

He needs help, twinmama

Twinmama831 · Apr 14, 2018, 05:47 AM

He says he wont do therapy, that Im the one who needs it! Maybe I do, Ive done therapy before. Thank you for responding all of you, its a harsh realization that I may not be able to save my family, if he sees it as nothing wrong.. I am a stay at home mom, I graduate my online college end of may, so once that happens and I do some therapy I may re evaluate this relationship.

Confusedxx · 12:50 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Twinmama831

I have never posted on a forum like this before but I need some advice. Yesterday my family and I were staying at a resort. My husband wasnt handling our almost 2 year old twins well and our vacation was very stressful. Because of all the stress, yesterday it grew to a head and I grabbed my son and told him to behave but he threw his body back and landed on the floor hitting his head. Well, my husband then grabs me by my arm and neck, knocks me onto the bed abd says "dont you ever do that to him again". I did not purposely hurt my son! But he purposely hurt me. He left bruises on my arm and welts.. I dont know what to do anymore. I have put up with his emotional and mental abuse for years but this is the first time he has really hurt me. I love him and our family but I dont know what to think or feel.

He says he wont do therapy, that Im the one who needs it! Maybe I do, Ive done therapy before. Thank you for responding all of you, its a harsh realization that I may not be able to save my family, if he sees it as nothing wrong.. I am a stay at home mom, I graduate my online college end of may, so once that happens and I do some therapy I may re evaluate this relationship.

Think about what you're saying. Do you really think he is going to behave any different towards your child when the child is growing up? What happens when this behavior is turned on your son? I understand you love him, but if he is emotionally abusing you (and now physically) it is never going to stop. I may speak differently if you didn't mention the emotional abuse, I may even say anger management may be appropriate...but in my opinion it is not. You need to contact a local domestic violence organisation and work on leaving your relationship. Don't let your child grow up learning it is okay to emotionally abuse women. How would you feel if 30...40... or even 50 years later that was your son who was hurting his partner? If you don't do anything to stop it he will likely normalize this type of behavior.

Also, emotionally abusive partners often turn the abuse on to the other partner. They tell them that they are too sensitive, can't take criticism, and often project their own problems on to their victims. It is very common for an abuser to tell their victim that they are the ones needing therapy or treatment. It is called gas lighting, and it is extremely unhealthy. Don't reevaluate...just GO. Contact a DV organization and have them work out a safety plan to getting you and your son out. They can help you find shelters, work, etc. Don't wait for the "perfect" job either, you need to focus on getting out. Working at a minimum wage job and living in safety with your child is better than living with an emotionally and physically abusive partner. You can likely find daycare assistance and may not need to use your husband's income when you are a victim of domestic violence.

Unrigged64072835 · May 03, 2018, 03:46 PM

You do have a way out. You don't have to put up with this anymore. Go to a DV org and save yourself and your kids.

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Yesterday was the first time the abuse got physical.

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