What was your "ah ha" moment in realizing you needed to end your abusive relationship

I am unfortunately still in an abusive relationship. I allow my partner to discount me, constantly criticize me, have verbally abusive episodes which are always blamed on me, push me away from my family and friends, and just generally do a lot of things to me that aren't cool. Yet, I am the one in need of severe mental help and can't take constructive criticism. There are days where I just wake up and am flug with sarcastic remark over sarcastic remark. But, I can't take a joke. Wow? How could I be such a *female dog*, I am depressing him so much by telling him that his sarcastic comments are hurtful. It doesn't matter if he depresses me with his cheating accusations, hearing things I never said, or cursing. Heaven forbid I ever talk back and tell him his "joke" is hurtful.

I've been cursed at, shoved, belittled, but yet I still can't get the jump to leave. I always hold on to the thought of a better tomorrow. It comes, and then it comes crashing down with another strange accusation or verbally abusive episode.

The other day I was late to work but stopped for coffee and put some letters in the mail box. But, because I said "post office" instead of "mail box outside post office" I am a liar, can't keep my story straight, and was constantly questioned as to what coffee shop I went to. It just came out of the middle of nowhere. I called angrily stating how idiotic the conversation was, but he turned it into the most important and logical thing in the world. Of COURSE he was upset over this, HOW could I have POSSIBLY said "post office" why would have I have stopped if I was ALREADY running late. How could you have hit that much traffic. What are you talking about Jane, your story just doesn't make sense. I was left feeling confused, blind sighted, and doubting my own perception of reality. I know it's not normal, but a little voice in my head says "hes right, you should have not said post office, what is wrong with you? No wonder he has this episodes. you make stuff up"

Why do I let someone turn stopping for coffee and dropping things off at a post office into a situation that gives me a panic attack? Why do I constantly just accept more and more?

I was gaslighted a lot in my abusive relationship. It took me constantly asking clarifying questions to realize I was being lied to on a consistent basis. The questions made him angry...and sloppy. That’s when the real truths came out, and I realized I was in a relationship with someone I legitimately didn’t know. That, for some reason, was what scared me into finally leaving.

I’m not going to lie to you and say that leaving was easy. It was a terrifying process, but I have learned so much since then about defining my what is and isn’t acceptable treatment from others. Leaving allows you to start that process by treating yourself the way you deserve first, and that will make you stronger in your other relationships.

I am gaslighted constantly. I had a conversation with my employer a while back and my partner insisted I had told him I loved him. I said no, you must have misheard me. He became persistent and aggressive...as did I. Because I became aggressive he said that it was very suspicious and a normal girl would have just said she never said it (which I had done but he didn't accept it). I said if I had said it, I did it accidentally.

Then it turned into wait, I thought you said you didn't say it. You lie about everything. You are a pathological liar. He raged at me for hours upon hours for something I didn't even do. It was insane. Yet, in the end it was all completely my fault and he did nothing wrong. He even walked up to me while I was on the couch and exclaimed, "Have you heard what gaslighting is? I KNOW what you said!"

It is basically just that if I don't admit to his delusions I am dishonest. If I don't admit I told my boss I loved him I am dishonest. He hears everything that he thinks happens, and there is no questioning him about it.

He had been out of work for a while last summer and was driving up to meet me on my lunch hours. I simply told him I had some stuff to do and wanted to chill out by myself for a while. He heard me said I wanted to "hang out with my friends" and raged at me for hours over these secret friends. Another time it was he thought I went for lunch prior to a doctors appointment and met someone. I was raged at for almost a week straight to the point where I almost went to a hotel. It would calm down for a while, and then he would randomly just start with "can you go over where you went with me that day again". He acts like these are the most normal and logical behaviors in the world, and how could I possibly not think they were?

My ex once sent me a list of ways in which I was being abusive. Classic NPD behavior. There are some good support groups on Facebook for victims of NPD. I know it was really helpful for me to see that other people were experiencing the exact same things as me (often down to the exact same verbiage my ex would use) to feel like I wasn’t crazy after all. Honestly, NPD is a bit of a formula when you really get down to it. Seeing that it’s all just a big elaborate cover up of their own stunted growth is helpful.

And also.... it is not your fault. None of it is your fault. Even if you allow him to verbally blame you (which I know is just sometimes easier), don’t let yourself internalize it. It’s all just projection of his own issues.

Thank you, I find it tough to not internalize it and I am coming to terms with the fact that I am not causing the things that are happening to me. My partner sometimes will say "do you want me to list all of the awful things you have done to me?" He conveniently forgets that these things all stemmed from his raging episodes (such as calling the police when he was threatening to come and do harm to my family). Or placing a restraining order on him (we broke up a few times) when he attacked me. It's just mind boggling. He remembers the incident where he grabbed me and threw me outside as that I had been verbally belligerent, dangerous, wouldn't leave, and did it for his own "safety". I had been trying to get him to bed for hours, and stop him from going out to a bar in the state he was in. He had been cursing at me non stop, shoving me etc. I finally had enough when he turned the light on in the bedroom and told me I was a worthless piece of **** and a *wh**e*. I said something to him...he ended up choking me and throwing me outside so hard I fell and was bruised. But no, I was aggressive, belligerent, and he was in *danger*. It almost makes me sick.

His insistence on never taking blame for things is so profound. He will constantly ask if I want "the list" and when I say he has done things that aren't nice he will in all seriousness look at me and say "name one". It scares me, because I can't tell if he is just forgetting everything or just thinks verbally berating someone for close to 4 hours is acceptable.

I've started to watch videos about these things and read blogs and have notice some of the same things my partner does in almost the same language. It's really creepy. I read about a woman who's husband was constantly accusing her of cheating, and if she didn't admit to it he would call her a "pathological liar". I've been called a pathological liar more times than I can count because I don't admit to doing some of the things he makes about about me. He even tries to tell me about what really happened in situations, and how I am "lying" about some of the things I tell him about. I hear the same thing from other women almost word for word.

I didn't leave my last abusive relationship until I was told by a therapist that I was in one. Part of me thought it was wrong but it was what I deserved. Shortly after that I evicted him and eventually met someone that doesn't treat me like that.

The abuser was like what you said. He believed I was having an affair and that my daughter was a brat that needed to be punished. (She had a learning disorder.) He didn't give me any money for bills and expected me to buy him things when I bought myself something.

Thankfully we split all of the bills. He does financially abuse me though. I am teased at the grocery store when I pick things out for myself saying they cost too much, aren't on sale...etc. Many of the activities that I want to do go out the window because it boils down to price. He is constantly buying things for himself and saying he did it for us, when it most certainly is just for him. But heaven forbid I want to go somewhere or do something... it costs too much! It's all about his way or the high way.

The reason his behavior keeps having such an effect on you is because you keep trying to figure it out and make sense of it.

I'm sure it is difficult, but, you have got to stop trying to explain his behavior. He is behaving in a way that makes no sense in order to keep you distracted from the fact that you hate being treated this way. You're trying to use your head where you should be using your heart. Is this stuff making you happy or is it making you sad? Focus on that.

The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans saved my life.....31 years of abuse, and then Ifound the courage to get a divorce. Abusers rarely change. Did you know that with verbal abuse alone, that is destructive to your physical health? Every time we are under stress/abuse, our bodies release cortisol; cortisol damages your immune system. Abuse is literally brainwashing; that is why it is so confusing; you constantly try to figure it out; you cannot; it is insanity. Do you stay because you think you deserve it or are at fault? The one sentence that helped me the most: "Try to let the side of you that is trying to save yourself....win." Abusers are extremely insecure and will do and say anything to keep you in "prison." Think about this; if you really were all of the horrible things he says you are....why would he want to be with you? Totally illogical and crazy-making behavior. 5-10-15 years from now, if you stay....he will still be an abuser. I know how scary it is (as it took me 31 years to leave).....to leave, but think of it as saving your life. I recommend the book I mentioned and seeing a therapist (Just yourself) with a therapist who is well versed in verbal abuse....if he knows you are seeing a therapist he will be very angry; as he will be afraid you will "get" what he is doing. P.S. If your daughter were being abused.....what would you want her to do?

Here we go again. We went out for some drinks and even though he sent back beer tipped the bartender 7 on 32 dollars because I saw a base tip of 6.22. Wasn't thinking anything of it, and wasn't meant to hurt him. He screamed bloody murder at me for hours... I disrespect him... I have to move out. Stop crying or I'm calling the cops to throw you out.

He called me a lair because I said 6.22 was the base tip. He wouldn't let me speak at all etc. Pushes me away tells me I'm disgusting. God what did I do to deserve this?

I tipped the 7. Not him. According to him I purposely tried to make a fool of him.