[Hopefulhope]

Hi.
Can anyone help?
20 years ago my partner told me he'd been abused as a child. We've struggled on through mostly by denial and repression. He's finally gone to Counselling and I've discovered that any intimacy we've ever had was faked.
We now understand each other much better, and he keeps trying to be intimate....but it's worse than ever and making me really depressed and rejected after all I've been through supporting him.
Can I tell him this? I don't want to reject him but I can't take it any more.

[Skeezyks]

Well... I don't know what kind of abuse your partner experienced during his childhood of course. I experienced a certain amount. Although it is true there are many people who experienced much worse than I did. But I'm also a guy (well... an old man actually). So your partner & I sort-of have "guyhood" in common too I suppose. And I think that may make a difference. You also didn't mention what other mental health concerns your partner may have. That may make a difference as well. So it's difficult, I would think, to say much of anything very specific.

My inclination would be to approach this cautiously, especially since you indicate the two of you have struggled through mostly by denial & repression for 20 years. (I'm personally well acquainted with denial & repression myself.) Your partner may well shut down or, just as likely perhaps, become angry. However, as you say, you can't take it anymore. So something has to give somewhere. Consequently I would just suggest taking it as slowly as you feel you can. You might also consider some couples counseling if this is something your partner would consider.

Here are links to 3 articles, from PsychCentral's archives, on the subject of communication within relationships that may be of some help the first by our host Dr. John Grohol, Psy.D.:

9 Steps to Better Communication Today

Communication Pitfalls & Pointers for Couples; Psych Central

Good Communication in Marriage Starts with Respect

My best wishes to you both...

So sorry you’re going through such a difficult situation like this. It sounds like you’ve gone through some tough times and managed to pull through. Maybe you’re feeling tired and fed up at the moment. Sometimes it helps to take some time for a break... for emotional self-care and some time to think and rest. A little time to gain a new perspective might help both of you. Best of luck to you.