Am I a rapist?

When I was younger (can't remember exactly the age but it started before I was 12 year old and ended before 16 years old) me and my cousin used to have sexual encounters. They used to be consensual (or I think so) but everytime we came we would say this would never happen again. I never felt like i was pressuring him, but he used to say I raped him. I am only 13 months older than him, but I was the "oldest" and "coolest" cousin, but never in this situation I recall being arbitrary and deciding this by myself. Am I a rapist? I was never fully aware like I am now of what was going on. I just knew it felt good so I wanted to do it again.

Hello dapulo: I see you posted this back on October 23. I'm sorry you're only now receiving your first reply. If you're still with us please forgive us. We're generally better than this. Welcome to PsychCentral.

I'm sorry you are struggling with this difficult memory. I'm not a mental health professional. So I can't offer you anything in the way of an authoritative opinion with regard to what you & your cousin did. My personal opinion, based on what you wrote, is that no you are not a rapist. Teenagers are curious about sex. And sometimes this curiosity leads them into the sorts of encounters you describe. You were both almost the same age & there was no force involved it doesn't sound like. Your cousin may well be struggling with some feelings of guilt & perhaps shame over this (as it sounds like you may well be.) And it was, perhaps, easier for him to justify it to himself by claiming you raped him.

The thing is though it doesn't really make any difference what I think regarding this situation. What's important is the degree to which you may be struggling with it. You're the only one who knows of how much importance this is to you. So if this is a memory that is causing you significant amounts of distress, then perhaps what is needed here is for you to delve into it with the help of a skilled mental health therapist or psychologist... someone who can help you to resolve the conflicted feelings you harbor over it. Allowing these sorts of memories to simply go round-&-round in your head, so to speak, can be a prescription for ongoing unhappiness. Talking it through at-length & in-depth may help you to put it to rest once-&-for-all.

Here are links to 5 articles, from PsychCentral's archives, on the subject of resolving feelings of guilt & shame that hopefully may be of some help:

Is It Guilt or Shame?

Overcoming Guilt in Depression

Guilt: The Crippling Emotion

How to Deal with the Aftermath of Shame

How Do You Forgive Yourself?

I hope you're still with us & that you're finding PC to be of benefit.

I’m not a mental health professional, however, children within five years of each other are generally considered “peers”. While consent is iffy at this age at best, I don’t think you’re a rapist. It is very common for youth to explore their sexuality with peers.

It consider statutory rape regardless if it was consental or not. Yeah in would e concern that you are a predator. I don't mean to sound harsh. It's as wrong to have sex. It also depends on the state in your country to whether it consider a sexual assault.

I think it's a gray area considering that you and your cousin are so close in age. If you were significantly older, I would say that it was child abuse.

Do you and your cousin ever talk now about what happened or are you both too ashamed? I do think talking over it with someone would help.

That sounds like a great plan and idea! Great advice!

Im sorry Dapulo we can not tell you whether you raped your cousin or not. (or whether you are a rapist or not) you see we are not you, we are not your cousin and we are not in your location, and we have no idea what the laws were on defining this kind of thing when you did this. only you, your treatment providers and your local police department can say whether you are a rapist and whether you raped your cousin.

Since you are new I'd also like to point you to the disclaimer at the bottom of the page. to me this disclaimer says we can not make a diagnosis of other peoples problems. that they need to contact their own treatment providers.

my suggestion is if you feel you may be a rapist and may have raped your cousin to contact those in your location that can help you figure this out. (treatment providers and the police or a lawyer. )

Great advice!I have a suggest perhaps rainn they specializes in rape trauma. Maybe they can help.