[TishaBuv]

Now the fallout with my sister is official. She yelled “I’m deciding right now I’m done with this whole F’n family”. Slam phone.

I just want to comment that my falling out with her wasn’t even entirely about the BS thing that happened with us. It’s more of too much hurt and stemming back to our shared parental abuse.

I wasn’t able to find much online pertaining to the dynamics between the siblings who shared abuse and can’t have a relationship because of that.

[BettysGranddaughter]

It's sad, it affects not just your relationships with your parents, but with your brothers and sisters, also. It takes so much from you.


I was the scapegoat and my brother was the golden child, and we don't have a relationship anymore, and I can't imagine that we ever will.

[TishaBuv]

I gave much thought to this situation last night. I reflected on my sister’s opinion of what happened, which blamed me 100% for everything. She thinks this because this is what her daughter told her and how she spinned it. Could it be true? No, it can’t. If I had to break down each step, like this was a f’n murder trial, I would disprove each twist.

The thing is, I shouldn’t have to disprove each twist. If they truly liked and cared for me there wouldn’t have been such harsh feelings toward me and even considerations of my capabilities to be so malicious. There would have been a benefit of the doubt type of reaction. ‘What? T did that? Couldn’t be, she’s so nice!’

Then I realized, my sister basically hated the fact I was even born. I reflected on the few interactions I had with her growing up. The lack of affection. It was always there.

That’s why she jumped to ‘I’m done with this whole family!’

I never did anything to her to warrant that.

[TishaBuv]

Sister wrote back ‘I agree. Let’s put this unfortunate experience behind it and NEVER speak of it again.’ I’m glad to move on.

We’ll probably call each other occasionally and stick to safe subjects.

I don’t foresee any in-person contact in the near or far future.

I am going to be very careful to stay out of conflict with everybody.

Pete Walker discusses pathological sibling rivalry due to poor (and/or abusive) parenting in his book Complex-PTSD: From Surviving To Thriving.

Often the children grow up never being able to depend on or trust one another.

How horrid for there to be parents out there that will intentionally do this to their children ...

[TishaBuv]

We’ll move on from this incident, never speaking of it again, as commanded. But it ended with my sister thinking a twisted version of what happened blaming me as the culprit, and that isn’t the truth. I did get to tell her my version and POV and she chooses not to believe it. After all, it’s me vs. her own daughter.

Sadly, these relationships are pretty much done regardless of occasional polite conversation on safe topics. It takes so little to destroy relationships. With that being said, they had to have already had the seeds of destruction planted as this event was absolute BS and not enough to cause any kind of rift.

In defense of our mother, she didn’t pit us against each other and play favorites. She disapproved of my sister’s choices at every turn. My sister won’t visit with Mom because within a couple hours she’s crying and Mom’s out the door running away, insulting my sister’s life. While I made choices that align with my Mom’s ideals, so she “approves” of my life. But Mom still tortures me at every turn over control and there is no true pleasing her, or if so, it’s only temporary.

Mom was grateful for my getting her out of the house yesterday and it was a nice afternoon. But, unless I am doing nice things for her, that sweet attitude will cease.

[TishaBuv]

I have to post this just to show the invalidation.

Other sister texts:
Her—I hear you and the fam are mending fences.

Me—Yeah the mom, b, E, and K incident was awful. We made peace but nothing will ever be the same. E blames me 100% and she’s wrong. There’s too much deep hurt in this family and I can’t change mom. So we hung out yesterday at A’s parade and she liked that. As long as I’m doing for her.

Her—Well hope you feel better...

Me—Let’s try this again. This family is not mending fences. We merely moved on from the incident. It is less painful for me to have a minimal relationship with the family than to be estranged. I have been patronized, minimized, lied about, and shut out by refusal to communicate (a form of abuse). I accept that is my family. I deal with my anger privately. I will give back exactly what is given to me.

Her—Ok. I’m running errands and getting an oil change

[BettysGranddaughter]

Yep, doesn't want to talk about what's actually going on, and instead makes it seem like you have a personal problem. I'm sorry you're going through this. Good being honest and standing up for yourself though!