[nativeAmerican]

Hi my name is nativeAmerican and this is my first post¡ I need to talk about the difficult relationship I´ve had with my father for many years. I am 29 years old and to recall a good positive moment with my father, a moment of connection and understanding, I have to go back 15 years in time.

I moved abroad and started working when I was 21 years old, and that meant that the problem has always been "latent" for a long time, we talked over the phone once every 1 or 2 weeks, the problem was there but just that, latent. 9 months ago I went back home so that I could finish my second degree, meaning that I was again economically dependent from my parents.

I was able to stay at home only 8 weeks because of the arguments, I felt so mistreated, judged, gaslighted, and decided to move to our holiday house so that I could just feel normal and continue with my life. But in all these months he never let me have much peace as he has been coming to our holiday home EVERY SINGLE SUNDAY so that he could enjoy his hobbie.

2 weeks ago we had a big argument because I told him I didn´t want to see him at our holiday home, I told him it was too painful to see him or even talk to him. I explained him all the frustrating situations that I felt for so long since I was a teenager, and all he said was that they all "JOKES".

I told him about how upset I was when he insulted me a few months ago because I didn´t want to speak to him. One Sunday in August I spent the hole night and morning vomiting after suffering from food poisoning, he was the only other person at our home and refused to go to the pharmacy or provide any help.

I remember the way he mistreated and looked at me when my maternal grandmother was dying in hospital (his relationship with my maternal grandparents was bad for many years) and I decided to spend the night with her, that was the last time I saw her as I as living abroad.

Some time ago my family was doing a daytrip and my father told me to "do my plans" excluding me from it. This summer I was doing the final exams and it was very painful to see him, yet he kept coming every Sunday, staying for some hours, doing unnecessary stuff in the garden. It is very painful to listen to him, talking as if nothing happened, as if it was all in my mind, as if I was too sensitive, as if it was all my fault.

I feel deep inside that my parents are being incredibly unfair and unkind to me, yet they have been supporting economically these months, but have used it in coments to cause pain, and "explain" the abuse I feel.

I have so many bad memories with my father. When I was a teenager I was in a sports team, we would take me to the competitions every Sunday. I never won but being part of it was a big success for me. I hated the way he talked me down, and the nice words he had for the others. My family visited me once while living abroad years ago, but they were in economical trouble and he seemd so upset, so disconnected from me.

I had an expensive bike and one day he was organising the garage, he promised me he would put it back inside when finished. 4 months later I came home for a few days and the bike was still ouside, obviously rusted because of the rain and the weather. I feel he never cared about anything I care, my exams, my accomplishments, the difficult moments, I feel he´s never been there.

I talked with mum and younger brother and sister but they don´t see the problem, they don´t see my pain, all they say is that I take things too seriously. I ve been visiting a thereapist for several sessions but all he mentions is that there is a HUGE communication problem between us, but hasn´t mentioned anything about emotional abuse. The problem is that I don´t think my father is a very good person, I don´t think all this pain is caused by just misscommunication.

All I know is that I never had this problem with anyone during all the years living abroad (almost a decade), and I FEEL mistreated by father. I haven´t had any positive moments together for years, but we´ve had arguments, bad gestures and looks coming from him, judgments, so many judgments for so long, judgments about the way I drink, talk, look, walk, eat, think, interact. I´ve felt so much anger because my pain is not understood at home.

Thanks¡ I will appreciate any input

I wonder if he is resentful about still supporting you or jealous of you in some way (as in--does your mom like cooking for you and he likes her to focus on him only or some other thing like that). Or perhaps he wants that holiday home all to himself and doesn't enjoy sharing with others? He may feel like at your age, his obligations are over but hasn't come right out and said it--is instead feeling passive aggressive about it? Until you are supporting yourself, you have to figure out how to tow the line and get along or he could sabatogue the whole thing....

[nativeAmerican]

Thanks for your message Nowinners,

or jealous of you in some way

He does feel jealous sometimes, especially when we´ve had arguments in the past and my mother supported me, he would become angry about it.

My psychotherapist also mentioned that we are incredibly different. He´s been a builder all his life, no studies, mum is his only friend, no social life, dislikes people generally, very "rural/countryside" personality and view of life, hates city life where my family currently lives.

I´ve got 2 degrees, love people, love travelling, big cities but also countryside, and have plenty of friends (although no girlfriend)

I´ve been talking to my mother this evening about our problem (once again). I mentioned that I had a great relationship with my maternal grandparents (who died a just a few years ago), we had great connection, loved spending time with them. On the other hand, my mother had a very difficult time with them, said they were toxic at times and didn´t give her all the support she would have wanted. She always said they had been better grandparents than parents.

My relationship with my maternal grandfather (my other grandfather died before I was born) was really good, we loved doing things together, cooking together, playing together, and my father always hated him, he was like the father I never had. I wonder if my parents have now resentment over my positive relationship with them, as they really loved me, whereas the relationship between them and my mum and dad had always been
much more complex and difficult.

Until you are supporting yourself, you have to figure out how to tow the line and get along or he could sabatogue the whole thing....

Luckily I am moving abroad back to my old job in just a few weeks, but after so many years living far away I expected to feel a bit more loved and respected by my own parents.

[downandlonely]

I think coming back to live with your parents after living on your own is always difficult. I felt the same way when I had to stay with my parents for a year between college and grad school. I felt like they were incredibly critical, overprotective, and controlling. In the end, I realized we just don't get along well enough to live together. Now I live far away and only see them a couple of times a year.

I hope things improve when you move.