[Rive1976]

So with someones help I have been able to come to terms with the fact that I was covertly sexually abused by my father maybe more. Its Christmas and Im feeling helpless. I dont know how to deal and cant contact my therapist for 9 more days. This stinks!

Originally Posted by Dnester

So with someones help I have been able to come to terms with the fact that I was covertly sexually abused by my father maybe more. Its Christmas and Im feeling helpless. I dont know how to deal and cant contact my therapist for 9 more days. This stinks!

So sorry you are struggling Dnester. What would bring you comfort during the 9 days while you wait to speak with your therapist? Is there a support line you could call...even for some temporary support...a kind listener?

I understand why you feel helpless and I also think that coming onto PC and sharing your concerns was a good step forward to take. That was brave and strong. Do you meditate? It can help to ease anxiety and sadness...

Sending you peace and healing energy

Dnester, I am so sorry. That is really difficult to grapple with. Honestly, Christmas is just a day like any other. It also makes a lot of people feel down with their problems so you're not alone.

I'm glad you came here to talk. Please take care of you, in the meantime.

[Rive1976]

Trigger. I just dont know how to feel. Part of me still thinks its not true. Part of me thinks it is. More of me thinks it isnt though. I had this memory of my father forcefully kissing me. I couldnt tell my age but it was a violent kiss. My dad can be a little weird sometimes so maybe nothing was meant by it. Then I had this memory that I had played with his nipples but that was me not him. Then recently he has been rubbing my legs. Maybe I am just being stupid.

Originally Posted by Dnester

Trigger. I just dont know how to feel. Part of me still thinks its not true. Part of me thinks it is. More of me thinks it isnt though. I had this memory of my father forcefully kissing me. I couldnt tell my age but it was a violent kiss. My dad can be a little weird sometimes so maybe nothing was meant by it. Then I had this memory that I had played with his nipples but that was me not him. Then recently he has been rubbing my legs. Maybe I am just being stupid.

You are not stupid Dnester. It sounds like you are dealing with some complex thoughts and feelings...nothing stupid about that. Time with a good therapist seems like a good recommendation for you at this time. And I realize that you don't have access to your therapist for a while. That must be hard for you.

Whether you decide that your father was abusive or not, I believe that thinking about your feelings and experiences...as you are already doing...will serve you well for the future. One way or another, you will hopefully find your answers and strategies for moving forward in a way that feels comfortable and logical to you. Though I am very sorry that right now it probably feels like you have more questions and confusion than solutions.

Feel free to PM me if you'd like a non-judgmental reader to send some more thoughts or ideas to. I will say that I am not a doctor and I have not experienced sexual abuse (covert or overt). But I do like to offer support to folks on PC.

I'll be sending you peace and healing energy! Here's a safe from a distance for you.

I should have said before that some of the behaviors you described in your last post do sound very inappropriate. Remember that if you do have a memory of touching your father in an odd way, that does not mean that you did something wrong or that he was not being inappropriate. He may have encouraged a less than healthy relationship between the two of you. I am not saying that he did; because I don't know. I just know that children being abused are often led to feel that they caused it or enjoyed it somehow. That is false. It is up to adults to set healthy boundaries with their children; if they don't then the culpability lies with the adult. When you said "recently" he was rubbing your legs, I think a good starting point could be to try saying "Dad, I do not like when you touch my legs. You need to stop doing that because it's not okay." You never have to accept unwanted touching from anyone and that includes family members.

You mentioned earlier that someone told you that you father was covertly abusing you. I always say consider the source. Unless you are talking in detail with an experienced therapist/psychologist/psychiatrist with a background in sexual abuse research and treatment, I would take what other people say with a large pinch of salt. As far as I can tell, the PC forum is designed to offer comfort and support to folks. None of the members should be trying to assess, diagnose, or treat problems. Just a heads up for you. I am very careful when I respond to Qs about abuse etc. I want to offer support but I know I am not qualified to get into a lot of details or to offer treatment. So maybe sometimes it seems like I'm not helpful.

Just know that I care that you are struggling and I wish you well.

I don't know how often you see your father but while you are feeling so confused and stressed and waiting to talk it over with your therapist, it may be a good idea not to spend time with your father. For now anyway. Though of course you must do what feels right for you. You are in charge of your body and your life.