[Fuzzybear]

[HD7970GHZ]

Fuzzybear,

I agree. Good question. I also experience this and I am so sick and tired of it. Wears thin on anyone who puts their heart on the table and are met with repeated exploitation and patterns of abuse. I have been told many different theories as to why, some of them I like more than others. But through it all - it brings forth many questions about human nature; are humans intrinsically good or bad? Is it a matter of black and white? How can we NOT think in terms of black and white when so many times we have been proven right that humans cannot be trusted! Family, friends, strangers, therapists, doctors, clergy, teachers... They all have something in common - they are all human... It is so logical that we should isolate from human beings after repeated abuses and yet we are told that there are good people out there. Where are they?! Desperately wanting and yearning for safe relations with fellow man - I deserve to have trustworthy friends and family. Why is it so hard to find?! Drops to knees and cries hysterically, pounding the floor... Why are humans so mean. I don't deserve this... Then to isolate for years only for our nervous system to eventually calm down and our loneliness kicks in and motivates us to try again - only to be met with yet another one... Another predator, monster, abuser, manipulator, gas-lighter, fallible human being... And yet it seems like such a mystery to us that so many people are abusive - because we could never do the same to others. And this is the ultimate pain and suffering - that we are good honest people - but that it also means we are alone... Or are we? Eventually it creeps back in, the doubt, that maybe, just maybe, there is hope left in humanity. And so we try again - looking for someone who can just NOT hurt us! But the vulnerability attracts abuse... We are let down again, again, again, again. We may have revelations, what do I need to change in myself in order to be respected! We are told many different things, read many self help books and are told that being assertive is healthy. That having boundaries are healthy... What a travesty when the only way to be respected is to do things that we have been led to believe is wrong; that we have rights for fair treatment. That we teach people how to treat us... But that makes no sense! Because the abuse is still a conscious decision that the abuser makes regardless of my behavior! How can my actions determine if someone is going to abuse me or not?! And we look around and see people who are happy amongst friends and question what they are doing differently.... Wait - that the only way we can be respected and valued is if we adapt to the harsh conditions and environment that is our world! But I struggle with assertiveness, how am I supposed to build self esteem and confidence when it seems so selfish! It would go against my morals and values and I care deeply about others...

Toxic Shame teaches us that we are unworthy of anything good. And so, we think it is wrong to stand up for ourselves, to be assertive, to say no, to ask for what we need, to think in a selfish way... And yet that is exactly what we need to do. We are so afraid of becoming remotely similar to our abusers that our needs, wants and desires are completely jangled and we become stuck in perpetual abuse cycles. But it shouldn't matter what we do - because abusers still have to consciously choose to abuse! Why can't I just be myself and be respected...? This must be a true depiction of the inner workings of human nature... Survival. All that. I refuse to take part in it, so I will avoid all human beings... But years later we realize the control that all of this has on our lives - that we deserve to be happy and in relations with our fellow humans.

So we must learn to adapt and survive and play the game of the world - only it is harder for us sensitive types.

I don't know why I wrote that, but I just felt the need to. I love this thread and I am so happy you are here. And I wish to GOD that I could provide for you what you need in order to heal and trust again. I wish someone could do that for all of us! We all deserve that. It takes so much strength and courage to survive repeated abuse, let alone taking risks and putting ourselves out there time and time again - only to be met with further abuse.

Fuzzybear, we need more people like you in the world. There is absolutely nothing wrong with you. Not anything. The problem is out there - in the world where people have normalized abuse and even relished and began to enjoy doing it more and more. I fear that someday, abuse will become so normalized that psychologists will question whether it is a sign of being healthy. Do not EVER entertain the fact that because there are so many abusers, there must be something wrong with you. That is not true in the slightest.

My teddies send hugs.

Thanks,
HD7970ghz

[Fuzzybear]

Thanks HD

I’m very sick and tired of it too ...

My teddies send hugs back

Originally Posted by HD7970GHZ

Fuzzybear,

I agree. Good question. I also experience this and I am so sick and tired of it. Wears thin on anyone who puts their heart on the table and are met with repeated exploitation and patterns of abuse. I have been told many different theories as to why, some of them I like more than others. But through it all - it brings forth many questions about human nature; are humans intrinsically good or bad? Is it a matter of black and white? How can we NOT think in terms of black and white when so many times we have been proven right that humans cannot be trusted! Family, friends, strangers, therapists, doctors, clergy, teachers... They all have something in common - they are all human... It is so logical that we should isolate from human beings after repeated abuses and yet we are told that there are good people out there. Where are they?! Desperately wanting and yearning for safe relations with fellow man - I deserve to have trustworthy friends and family. Why is it so hard to find?! Drops to knees and cries hysterically, pounding the floor... Why are humans so mean. I don't deserve this... Then to isolate for years only for our nervous system to eventually calm down and our loneliness kicks in and motivates us to try again - only to be met with yet another one... Another predator, monster, abuser, manipulator, gas-lighter, fallible human being... And yet it seems like such a mystery to us that so many people are abusive - because we could never do the same to others. And this is the ultimate pain and suffering - that we are good honest people - but that it also means we are alone... Or are we? Eventually it creeps back in, the doubt, that maybe, just maybe, there is hope left in humanity. And so we try again - looking for someone who can just NOT hurt us! But the vulnerability attracts abuse... We are let down again, again, again, again. We may have revelations, what do I need to change in myself in order to be respected! We are told many different things, read many self help books and are told that being assertive is healthy. That having boundaries are healthy... What a travesty when the only way to be respected is to do things that we have been led to believe is wrong; that we have rights for fair treatment. That we teach people how to treat us... But that makes no sense! Because the abuse is still a conscious decision that the abuser makes regardless of my behavior! How can my actions determine if someone is going to abuse me or not?! And we look around and see people who are happy amongst friends and question what they are doing differently.... Wait - that the only way we can be respected and valued is if we adapt to the harsh conditions and environment that is our world! But I struggle with assertiveness, how am I supposed to build self esteem and confidence when it seems so selfish! It would go against my morals and values and I care deeply about others...

Toxic Shame teaches us that we are unworthy of anything good. And so, we think it is wrong to stand up for ourselves, to be assertive, to say no, to ask for what we need, to think in a selfish way... And yet that is exactly what we need to do. We are so afraid of becoming remotely similar to our abusers that our needs, wants and desires are completely jangled and we become stuck in perpetual abuse cycles. But it shouldn't matter what we do - because abusers still have to consciously choose to abuse! Why can't I just be myself and be respected...? This must be a true depiction of the inner workings of human nature... Survival. All that. I refuse to take part in it, so I will avoid all human beings... But years later we realize the control that all of this has on our lives - that we deserve to be happy and in relations with our fellow humans.

So we must learn to adapt and survive and play the game of the world - only it is harder for us sensitive types.

I don't know why I wrote that, but I just felt the need to. I love this thread and I am so happy you are here. And I wish to GOD that I could provide for you what you need in order to heal and trust again. I wish someone could do that for all of us! We all deserve that. It takes so much strength and courage to survive repeated abuse, let alone taking risks and putting ourselves out there time and time again - only to be met with further abuse.

Fuzzybear, we need more people like you in the world. There is absolutely nothing wrong with you. Not anything. The problem is out there - in the world where people have normalized abuse and even relished and began to enjoy doing it more and more. I fear that someday, abuse will become so normalized that psychologists will question whether it is a sign of being healthy. Do not EVER entertain the fact that because there are so many abusers, there must be something wrong with you. That is not true in the slightest.

My teddies send hugs.

Thanks,
HD7970ghz

[Crypts_Of_The_Mind]

There is nothing "wrong" with any of us. None of us inherently know what love is when we are first born. If we are never taught love - we never know love. This is how different personality disorders can be formed. If we are taught love includes pain - this is what we will search out. Not as in we see it as being "correct behavior" .. but this is how we have been taught to feel truly loved - so unless we receive some form of the treatment we recognize as love, even if we are happy - it feels "empty".. so we keep seeking out people that seem "perfect". Thing is - it is precisely the "perfect" people who are abusers. The "perfect" appearance is known as the "honeymoon stage" meant to draw you in.

From there you go into the "escalation stage" and "explosive stage" .. and it all recycles.

A true and healthy relationship .. involves infatuation where you see one another on a pedestal, later you start noticing flaws and both of you nit pick one another .. but come together and figure things out. Later, if you decide to have a serious relationship you may have more serious problems - but again, you come together and work it out. Abuse does not involve working things through - but rather acceptance of either "I caused this" or "its my fault" or "I was wrong" or "I need to change". But the person who gets into abusive relationship after abusive relationship is generally submissive by nature and not willing to be assertive bc they were taught at an early age that was wrong. If they wanted to show they loved someone - they should be submissive. Submissiveness later turned into abuse when the person started rebelling as a teen (usually) or perhaps early 20s or even preteens. Our minds are most impressionable around those times of our lives. So ... if we are taught love equates to being submissive and if not submissive, abuse - and that this person is "perfect" .. this becomes our ideal n what we relate to as love.

It is possible to break that cycle - but hard.

I hope that answers your question without upsetting you. It is what I went through.

There is nothing wrong with you that abusers are attracted to you. We can't change the past, but next time a someone you are unsure about approaches you, show them that you are not someone to be messed with. This can be done in a civil and friendly manner, such as setting firm boundaries and not giving in.

For example, you can tell someone you cannot offer a last minute help.
And if that person texts you with a last minute request, don't respond. Ignore it.
Respond after the need has passed and say, "I'm sorry for the late reply. As I have mentioned before, I cannot offer a last minute help."

If you respond to her text right away, you may end up having her texting you into making an exception;
or even if you don't give in , you would end up in a dialogue with this person for something you claimed to be non-negotiable.

Even if you don't give in, you are showing the person that you are willing to open the door to a manipulative conversation.

Don't open the door. I remind myself this all the time.

Abusers, just like anyone else, are attracted to your good qualities. But you can still take measures to guard these good qualities from their exploitation.

[sarahsweets]

I do not know the answer to this but for years I felt like I had "victim" stamped on my forehead or that there was a sign {like "kick me} on my back. I do not know the magic formula for getting this to go away but I feel like one day I just woke up with clarity and I was like "NOT TODAY"

[Fuzzybear]

Thanks everyone for the replies, I appreciate them