How do you deal with a former abuser who:

Mislabels "no contact" as "silent treatment"

and

"Consequences" as "punishment"?

When someone has repeatedly violated your boundaries and you are forced to distance yourself as part of consequences (because otherwise she won't stop), and eventually go no contact for your own peace of mind;

and then she turns around and say that you are punishing her with silent treatment;

How do you "let go" emotionally and accept the fact that she is always going to think whatever she wants to think?

It's easier said than done, you know.

[KD1980]

It is easier said than done.

It sounds like she is guilt tripping you and making herself look like the victim. She is definitely manipulating the situation.

You are taking a great step by recognizing her toxic behavior and not falling for it. When people did this to me, I practiced self-compassion. I tell myself that she is to be pitied because she'd rather live a life where she manipulates people into talking to her. I tell myself "it's good that you are not like her, and you are living a better life" .

I hope you can find peace.

[Fuzzybear]

I agree with the post above. You’re taking an important step in recognising this individual’s toxic and manipulative behaviour. Letting go emotionally... is a process I think. I’m sending kind and peaceful thoughts.

[divine1966]

Do you two live together? If not how does she convey to you that it’s silent treatment if you two are “no contact”. No contact is no contact so who cares what she says. She can’t say it to you if you are no contact

[tecomsin]

Originally Posted by ennie

How do you "let go" emotionally and accept the fact that she is always going to think whatever she wants to think?

It's easier said than done, you know.

It can be a difficult lesson to learn. My 12 Step program teaches that we are powerless over other people. We can't force people to listen to us, take us seriously or believe the same things we do.

Maybe this is part of wishing to have control and make an unhappy situation for you better, as if she was a different person? Some people call it wishful thinking. We wish for unattainable things. Try to learn the right lessons here so you don't waste your time in toxic relationships. There is usually quite a lot we can learn about ourselves so as not to repeat the mistakes of the past.

It's time to stop thinking about her and start thinking about yourself.

This is speaking as someone who was a very slow learner.

Originally Posted by divine1966

Do you two live together? If not how does she convey to you that it’s silent treatment if you two are “no contact”. No contact is no contact so who cares what she says. She can’t say it to you if you are no contact

I addressed this in a separate thread called flying monkeys, where she is able to deliver message to me via mutual contacts.

[tecomsin]

Originally Posted by ennie

I addressed this in a separate thread called flying monkeys, where she is able to deliver message to me via mutual contacts.

Can you distance yourself from those contacts for awhile or tell them not to deliver any more messages from her?

Originally Posted by tecomsin

Can you distance yourself from those contacts for awhile or tell them not to deliver any more messages from her?

I am scared of being too firm and too harsh because I feel like that will "validate" in their minds about her view of me as a "cold" person.

But then there comes a point where my peace of mind is more important than what they think...so yes, I will need to come up with the guts be more firm next time.

[Poiuytl]

Originally Posted by ennie

I am scared of being too firm and too harsh because I feel like that will "validate" in their minds about her view of me as a "cold" person.


But then there comes a point where my peace of mind is more important than what they think...so yes, I will need to come up with the guts be more firm next time.

Is it possible to contact her once, making clear that you are not punishing her, but need no contact for reasons of personal peace? After that, you can be as firm as you want, and know your behaviour is totally correct and can not be misconstrued by her or misjudged as too harsh by others.

[PsychoPhil]

Originally Posted by ennie

How do you deal with a former abuser who:

Mislabels "no contact" as "silent treatment"

and

"Consequences" as "punishment"?

When someone has repeatedly violated your boundaries and you are forced to distance yourself as part of consequences (because otherwise she won't stop), and eventually go no contact for your own peace of mind;

and then she turns around and say that you are punishing her with silent treatment;

How do you "let go" emotionally and accept the fact that she is always going to think whatever she wants to think?

It's easier said than done, you know.

Ennie, thanks! Not that I could help you, but I think your problem is same as mine with regards to my old mom.

How do I let go emotionally and accept she is always going to be the way she is? Very difficult, but I think that's exactly what I need to accomplish to find peace.

[TishaBuv]

Yes, especially when they are elderly! They are never going to change, there’s no more arguing with them. At an old age, they feel entitled to do whatever the heck they want to do and won’t hear any criticism from anybody. You can stay no contact, you can keep tip-toe distant contact, you can grin and bear it. It is so hard to want real understanding and real love and it’s impossible to get.

[Poiuytl]

Originally Posted by TishaBuv

Yes, especially when they are elderly! They are never going to change, there’s no more arguing with them. At an old age, they feel entitled to do whatever the heck they want to do and won’t hear any criticism from anybody. You can stay no contact, you can keep tip-toe distant contact, you can grin and bear it. It is so hard to want real understanding and real love and it’s impossible to get.

Yes, I think that's what we all feel about parents or people in general, once they have reached a certain age. They feel entitled, but in many ways it also becomes easier for them to manipulate. They give us the feeling that they might die anytime soon, and you will hasten their demise by having earnest discussions. I feel I should get rid of this sentiment. I try to talk with my mother as if she was 30, even though she's 80. I actually think that should help her live longer. It kind of gives her at least jolts of energy when I become assertive. She protests and hardens, but sometimes she also softens a bit. Maybe to have absolutely contact should be reserved for cases even worse than my mother, or maybe I just cannot let go completely because my own feelings are mixed.

It’s definitely easier said than done. Walking away is a wise decision in my opinion. The other part to that decision is doing your best to ignore what is being said. Abusers won’t quietly accept that you walked away. They will challenge you. They might even challenge you harder to test whether you “mean it”. Just my thoughts on this. I know it’s stressful and difficult.

[TishaBuv]

When an elder has been a loving person, we want to visit them, call them, and show them love. An elderly person can sit back and enjoy receiving love from their children. But when that person has been and continues to be nasty and abusive, the children have awful, mixed feelings. We still want to show our love and do what is typically done to be nice to them. But we are so angry and resentful and they are so nasty and button-pushing!

My mother outright says that she is ‘the mother’ and we have to kiss her azz. She can do whatever she wants and we better not criticize it. I accept that and try to keep the minimum of what a relationship should be. Within seconds, she starts pressing my buttons and I have conditioned myself to find an excuse to hang up the phone without incident.

But now she is doing something that will explode and she will most like tell me she never wants to speak to me again (not the other way around). She has manipulated the whole family into giving her money so that she does not have to be downsizing and inconvenienced. They are all doing it, so they say, but I’m not sure I believe them. I refuse and told them so. So, when my mother is truly faced with having run out of money and forced to sell her condo, and I still refuse to help in any way, I will be shunned from the whole family and I know it. So that’s coming. I’ve spend far more energy worrying about this because I know it’s coming than the time and pain it will actually be once it happens. Still, my soul will not let me sell myself out and play into her manipulative game!

I may end up no contact with her eventually by her choice.

[TunedOut]

Originally Posted by TishaBuv

So, when my mother is truly faced with having run out of money and forced to sell her condo, and I still refuse to help in any way, I will be shunned from the whole family and I know it. So that’s coming. I’ve spend far more energy worrying about this because I know it’s coming than the time and pain it will actually be once it happens. Still, my soul will not let me sell myself out and play into her manipulative game!

I may end up no contact with her eventually by her choice.

I remember back when you were giving her money that that made you suffer more than what is currently happening. At least you understand better the dynamics that are going on. You realize more than your mother who is in denial. Perhaps when she runs out of money and suffers she will realize more. Your sisters may also be in denial and haven't dealt with her as much as you have. You tried to be a good daughter. Pat yourself on the back for that. She isn't going to listen to you and you know it. In the meantime, I think part of what is making you anxious is that you know she is suffering but giving her what she wants wouldn't be good for her and it especially wouldn't be good for you. You shouldn't support her when she is so unappreciative and unsupportive of you and you now realize it. I am sorry.

[TunedOut]

Originally Posted by ennie

How do you deal with a former abuser who:

Mislabels "no contact" as "silent treatment"

and

"Consequences" as "punishment"?

When someone has repeatedly violated your boundaries and you are forced to distance yourself as part of consequences (because otherwise she won't stop), and eventually go no contact for your own peace of mind;

and then she turns around and say that you are punishing her with silent treatment;

How do you "let go" emotionally and accept the fact that she is always going to think whatever she wants to think?

It's easier said than done, you know.

Try to feel confident about the choice you made? I know you have thought a lot about it. I have struggled with distancing myself from some of the behaviors of my loved ones because I let my emotions govern me--have not been able to disengage emotionally. My medications have helped some but I still struggle. I think it is harder when we care. If we didn't give a flying **** what they or the flying monkies think, it would be easier.

Originally Posted by Sisabel

They might even challenge you harder to test whether you “mean it”.

I am starting to think that this is what it is about. I "gave in" so many times with crossing of boundaries in the past, that she may just think that I am still the same weak-me.

Thank you everyone, and hugs to all.

[TishaBuv]

She may bad mouth you to others that you are ‘cold and unfeeling’ when you go no contact, but she also probably bad mouths you when you try to be what she wants from you. There’s no pleasing some people so do what’s best for you.

There’s this nice fantasy that we have this loving family who we only occasionally see or talk to, but this is sometimes just an illusion when we fall out with them and realize the ‘loving family’ was never truly the case.

[PsychoPhil]

Originally Posted by TishaBuv

You can stay no contact, you can keep tip-toe distant contact, you can grin and bear it.

You're making me think. May have been a mistake to show that she really managed to hurt me. Grin and bear and not be heard from for a year might have been the better tactic.

On tip-toeing, I'm currently in Germany and can't tell my mom or anyone with connections to her for fear she might find out I'm sick.

[TishaBuv]

Originally Posted by PsychoPhil

You're making me think. May have been a mistake to show that she really managed to hurt me. Grin and bear and not be heard from for a year might have been the better tactic.

On tip-toeing, I'm currently in Germany and can't tell my mom or anyone with connections to her for fear she might find out I'm sick.

Do what’s best for you. Whatever makes you feel best. Nothing you can do will ever change the bad treatment. It’s really about feeling the best you can about it whatever you choose.