Value and Self-worth Do Not Depend on How Others Treat You, Especially Abusers

Golden_eve, I think there's something else to consider: your abuser groomed you to want their approval. At some point early on in the relationship, they did give you validation and love, probably a lot, and you stay in the relationship despite the abuse because you think that if you just act the right way and give them what they want, they will be their old, nice selves. They withhold love and validation to get what they want from you, and it is, indeed, abusive. They groom you so that you have to get your validation from them so they can manipulate and control you.

And yes, it's hard to unlearn. And your subject line is spot on: we don't need to base our value and self-worth on the opinions of others.

I hear you. I started over and got married a year later to someone else.

Love can and does happen again. The key is healing oneself and healing one's broken heart..... the love I found actually healed my broken heart. Many say heal yourself first.. I tend to agree with that as well, but I got involved when I did and it definitely helped my healing process. And that's just me. But the point it, yes, we can pick ourselves up again and move forward in life, one little step at a time. Healing is a process.... it does take time but it helps to take deliberate steps forward.

Thanks, seesaw! This is something I hadn't ever known or even considered... the validation part. I never accepted his abuse- I always stood up to him.

But he was in fact manipulating me to need his approval and validation -- YES.

He provided a LOT of that early on... validated my worth and value as a person constantly.

Then in one fell swoop, he took it all away. He invalidated our entire relationship, demeaning the value and importance of our relationship and by extension, devaluing ME.

It is so spot on, the way you explain. In fact, those are the things that they take away from people like ourselves. Leaving us with the emptiness and damage they were trying to use to make themselves feel better.
I think i get confused and wonder why anyone could gain anything from hurting someone emotionally like that.
To me it is sickening

Abuse is always about gaining power and control over another. If they can hurt you, they have power over you emotionally. It’s very sick and most disturbing. Most abusers have been severely abused themselves in some way. So they never learned how to treat someone with love and respect. Their version of love is to hurt and cause pain in another. That is not love. An abuser doesn’t know or how to truly love.

We are both saying the same thing. We are in agreement. I was thanking you for giving me the phrase to remember to tell myself when invalidated by others.

Oh!!! My bad! I totally misunderstood you, sorry. Now I see what you were saying. Thanks for clearing that up!!! Hugs.