Victim Blaming is Never OK!

tecomsin · Jul 15, 2019, 06:20 PM

I remember when I was about 10 and was crying because my father had beaten me. Both of my parents laughed at me and made fun and said that "You want to be a victim".

That was my mother and my father, together.

Jul 16, 2019, 11:19 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by tecomsin

I remember when I was about 10 and was crying because my father had beaten me. Both of my parents laughed at me and made fun and said that "You want to be a victim".

That was my mother and my father, together.

Fuzzybear · Jul 16, 2019, 11:53 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ennie

5 Victim-Shaming Myths That Harm Abuse and Trauma Survivors and Encourage Spiritual Bypassing

Thank you for sharing ennie. I was shamed again only recently by one of those “all knowing people”

I think you probably know the sort of person I mean

Fuzzybear · Jul 16, 2019, 11:55 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by tecomsin

I remember when I was about 10 and was crying because my father had beaten me. Both of my parents laughed at me and made fun and said that "You want to be a victim".

That was my mother and my father, together.

Journey-Man · Jul 18, 2019, 10:18 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Open Eyes

The thing to remember about toxic people is they don't WANT to see reality, they NEED to see things in a way where they have the CONTROL. They can be nice as long as they are getting things to go THEIR WAY. They like to see things where the positives could not happen without THEM too. So it's always someone else's fault when there are problems. It's the other person who is wrong not THEM.

I had/have been dealing with an older sister that I have discussed who could ONLY see things her way, needed ALL the control and would literally go into RAGES when things did not go HER WAY. Once someone goes into a rage it's ALL EMOTION and NO logic. That's when everything is run by the amygdala that pumps all the energy into fight mode where the frontal logical part of the brain is not functioning. It's a "blind" anger. For myself, it got to the point where if my sister "felt" her obsessive control was threatened she would go into a rage and did not even care WHO was there that could be frightened by her.

Often the response to that is "just ignore, don't allow" statements which can make it VERY hard for the victim in that often these very statements come from individuals who have not personally experienced this person who needs things to go their way otherwise they go into one of their rages not caring who is there seeing it happen.

If you experience a person who has a tendency to rage like this you can actually see their eyes glass over, it's like this person suddenly is not "there" . This is EXACTLY what is actually happening in their brain where it's suddenly being run by their amygdala that is pumping their body into fight mode and their logical part of their brain basically shuts down. You can actually see it in their body as well, and often the reaction from most normal human beings is to want to get away from this individual. Engaging a person who blows up like this only makes things worse in that the individual is at a point where all they are operating off of is anger (emotion) and logic isn't happening as that area of the brain is over ridden by all the emotion and anger.

What I have noticed about this state of mind is the raging individual wants a reaction so they can engage in "fight" and literally blow off all the buildup they are experiencing that is pumping them up with adreneline. I had to be the one who stayed calm and create distance, yet, even when I chose to do that my sister would come after me NEEDING to release her built up anger STILL not even being logical where a normal person would choose NOT to display this behavior in front of others.

I'm going to hazard to put forward MY situation, which has its own dynamics and issues involved. I suffer from what I think are Borderline Rage episodes, they involve my wife and relate to my hypersexuality. I posted a new thread in this subforum on my story, but I suffered extremely acute childhood sexual abuse from my brother as a child and it has made me hypersexual ever since in addition to other serious mental health disorders. But I would characterize some of my behavior as victim blaming, in much of the same state that you mentioned where you depart completely from the world of logic and are completely operating out of the limbic system. That's the way it feels like for me, once I get to that mode I am explosive and don't have control over what I say, which is almost all of it harmful.

This then feeds into the cycle of my own self-destruction, in that I feel such horrible shame about what I did, that I am my brother, or I am my father, or then have extreme paranoia that she will leave me which then causes me to act in ways which make her leaving me only more likely. I'm literally trying everything I can to get treatment in the process, I'm fighting for my wife who I desperately love and for our two small beautiful children. I am seeing counselors regularly, am seeing a psychiatrist, going to group therapy, exercising, meditating, but it seems like life keeps throwing in devastating blows one after the other and won't let me recover, and she has borne the brunt of that.

I don't know what I should do besides just trying to get better, but I fear she might be losing patience with the process.

SouthernDesiGirl · Jul 24, 2019, 11:54 AM

I’m hurt by the way that I was abused by my husband. He denies everything and instead says that I abused him. I never even abused him. I always loved him and respected him. I always treated him right. I always respected his family and parents. He is the one that treated my parents who are senior citizens like s***. He would call them on the phone and yell at them. He would send them rude text messages. The abuse that I suffered was on our wedding night he asked me if I was a virgin and when I told him that I was a virgin he didn’t believe me. He threatened me that maybe he would find a girlfriend. Some of the times that we would make out or have sex I would find noticeable bites/ bruises on my breasts because he liked to bite me. Sometimes he would put his hand around my throat when we were having sex other times he would pull my hair. He would deny both whenever I brought it up with him. He never tried to work out our marriage. He listened to and was influenced by his friends. He only lived with me from Feb 2018 to June 2018 then he moved to Maryland and stayed there until we went to India in November. He only visited me once in August. He claimed that he only visited me for the my best friend’s daughter’s first birthday party. We went to India on November 27. As soon as we arrived at the airport, He realized that he forgot his passport and itinerary at the house so my dad and him went back to get the backpack that he left. He comes back within two minutes of the cut off time that the British Airlines people told us that if they made it back by 7:30 we were allowed to go on the trip. He apologized to my parents for the stress but never apologized to me. When he went back to the house with my dad he tells my dad that he is not a very lovable husband to me. In India we had many issues some of were the fact that I crossed my legs when I sat in front of his parents. The second day that I was in India he kicked my legs and uncrossed my legs. A couple days later when I asked him why he kicked me he automatically took me to my cousin’s house and showed my cousin, cousin-in-law, and aunt how he kicked me. While we were there he started complaining that my parents didn’t buy him a car, give him a credit card or offer him and his family the rights to the property that my parents have in India. About two weeks later, one of my cousins invited us for dinner and my husband calls me to tell me that we are going to go for the dinner the next night. The next morning he calls me back and says that he can’t make it for dinner. I called him a liar because I was raised to keep my commitments and if someone invites you and you tell them that you are coming you don’t change your mind last minute and don’t give a reason. That night when we’re in the car going home he starts an argument with me and starts yelling at me. He’s yelling very loudly and I’m scared that we’re going to get in a car accident so I raised my hand to protect myself but he thinks I raised my hand to hit him. I came back December 27 and he came back January 28. On January 30, I woke up and came downstairs. That was when he told me that he was moving back to Maryland to live with his bachelor friends and find a job. I called him mental because who comes back from India and not even two days later drives from Georgia to Maryland. He finally got a job on April 8. He promised to visit and if he couldn’t find a job he said that he would move back to Georgia. He lied. On Father’s Day he emailed me and told me that he wanted a divorce and that either him or his lawyer would contact me with separation papers and divorce papers so I could sign them and send them back so we could happily go our separate ways. The worst part of this is we actually got married on my 29th birthday and now I don’t know how I’m going to survive my birthday this year. I know that I have five months left until my birthday but I’m just so heartbroken. Why did I waste two years of my life on this guy? He claimed in the emails that he loves me but he’s tired of all the arguments. I never started any arguments. I was raised to respect elders and always have respected elders so it was a shock for me to see him being rude to my parents, yelling at them on the phone and sending very rude messages to them. He once messaged my dad that he would take care of me and told my dad to take care of his wife meaning my mom.

Buffy01 · Jul 30, 2019, 09:27 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Anonymous40643

About blaming the abuse victim, blaming them for staying or for even getting involved:

There is usually some rationalization for blaming the victim, most commonly, that the victim could have escaped the situation or avoided it in the first place.

Victims may or may not be benefited by concrete assistance, but validation of their experiences are essential for sanity and growth. The tendency to blame survivors has some additional elements:

Failure to recognize the simple fact that attempting to leave a relationship is blocked or punished by the primary aggressor most of the time. Someone who has not experienced this may have trouble imagining this.
Confusion with the "duty to mitigate damages" from contract law. Abuse is not just a breach of contract, and human relationships are not subject to contract law!
Confusion of submission with consent.
Confusion of tolerance with consent. Most people endure some meanness from their partners because they consider it an aberration that won't be repeated. The systematic nature of domestic violence only becomes clear over time.
Survivors blame themselves for the abuse (this is victim self-blaming). They of course are aided in this by the primary aggressor who is constantly blaming them. Therefore, they for a long time stay in the relationship and try to change their own behavior to end the abuse. When and if they retroactively reframe the experience as abusive, they deserve validation, even if they stayed "when something was wrong."
Final clarity by a survivor that the relationship is abusive and unworkable can not be retro-actively applied to earlier in the relationship when the survivor was bewildered about what was happening.
Even where the survivor recognizes the abuse and its inevitability, she may stay in a relationship because it appears to be (and may in fact be) her best option in life considering the difficulties and lack of support she faces alone. Where all options are bad, a choice does not constitute consent to the the downsides of any option chosen, rather just acquiescence. If later, better options arise, validation is warranted about abuse when options were all poor.
The effects of abuse (confusion, low self-esteem, bitterness, lessened sensitivity to danger, etc..(many more)) are erroneously attributed to the survivor as personal characteristics that lead her to "choose" the abusive situation.

Staying where there has been abuse does not constitute consent or permission for the abuse!

This is a great post! I will keep this in mind!

Buffy01 · Jul 30, 2019, 09:29 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by SouthernDesiGirl

I’m hurt by the way that I was abused by my husband. He denies everything and instead says that I abused him. I never even abused him. I always loved him and respected him. I always treated him right. I always respected his family and parents. He is the one that treated my parents who are senior citizens like s***. He would call them on the phone and yell at them. He would send them rude text messages. The abuse that I suffered was on our wedding night he asked me if I was a virgin and when I told him that I was a virgin he didn’t believe me. He threatened me that maybe he would find a girlfriend. Some of the times that we would make out or have sex I would find noticeable bites/ bruises on my breasts because he liked to bite me. Sometimes he would put his hand around my throat when we were having sex other times he would pull my hair. He would deny both whenever I brought it up with him. He never tried to work out our marriage. He listened to and was influenced by his friends. He only lived with me from Feb 2018 to June 2018 then he moved to Maryland and stayed there until we went to India in November. He only visited me once in August. He claimed that he only visited me for the my best friend’s daughter’s first birthday party. We went to India on November 27. As soon as we arrived at the airport, He realized that he forgot his passport and itinerary at the house so my dad and him went back to get the backpack that he left. He comes back within two minutes of the cut off time that the British Airlines people told us that if they made it back by 7:30 we were allowed to go on the trip. He apologized to my parents for the stress but never apologized to me. When he went back to the house with my dad he tells my dad that he is not a very lovable husband to me. In India we had many issues some of were the fact that I crossed my legs when I sat in front of his parents. The second day that I was in India he kicked my legs and uncrossed my legs. A couple days later when I asked him why he kicked me he automatically took me to my cousin’s house and showed my cousin, cousin-in-law, and aunt how he kicked me. While we were there he started complaining that my parents didn’t buy him a car, give him a credit card or offer him and his family the rights to the property that my parents have in India. About two weeks later, one of my cousins invited us for dinner and my husband calls me to tell me that we are going to go for the dinner the next night. The next morning he calls me back and says that he can’t make it for dinner. I called him a liar because I was raised to keep my commitments and if someone invites you and you tell them that you are coming you don’t change your mind last minute and don’t give a reason. That night when we’re in the car going home he starts an argument with me and starts yelling at me. He’s yelling very loudly and I’m scared that we’re going to get in a car accident so I raised my hand to protect myself but he thinks I raised my hand to hit him. I came back December 27 and he came back January 28. On January 30, I woke up and came downstairs. That was when he told me that he was moving back to Maryland to live with his bachelor friends and find a job. I called him mental because who comes back from India and not even two days later drives from Georgia to Maryland. He finally got a job on April 8. He promised to visit and if he couldn’t find a job he said that he would move back to Georgia. He lied. On Father’s Day he emailed me and told me that he wanted a divorce and that either him or his lawyer would contact me with separation papers and divorce papers so I could sign them and send them back so we could happily go our separate ways. The worst part of this is we actually got married on my 29th birthday and now I don’t know how I’m going to survive my birthday this year. I know that I have five months left until my birthday but I’m just so heartbroken. Why did I waste two years of my life on this guy? He claimed in the emails that he loves me but he’s tired of all the arguments. I never started any arguments. I was raised to respect elders and always have respected elders so it was a shock for me to see him being rude to my parents, yelling at them on the phone and sending very rude messages to them. He once messaged my dad that he would take care of me and told my dad to take care of his wife meaning my mom.

I am sorry that you had to go through this! You didn't deserve to be treated this way! We are here for you!

Buffy01 · Jul 30, 2019, 09:31 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Anonymous40643

Survivors of abuse need validation, comfort, compassion, understanding and most of all, to rebuild a sense of value, of self, of self esteem and self worth.

Victim blaming in no way shape or form helps the victim of abuse to heal. All it does is make one feel that much worse, for having fallen for an abuser.

Abusers can be MOST charming, they can lay it on THICK in the beginning, they can be MOST LOVING, and then change over time.... abuse can be extremely insidious, and not obvious at first.

So people who try and blame the victim for even getting involved with an abuser to begin with are barking up the wrong tree. ANYONE can fall for an abusive personality. That is written in psychology articles and books. Even the most intelligent and accomplished people can fall victim.

I do not like hearing, stop being the victim... that does NOT help the healing process after abuse. When someone has endured abuse, they ARE a victim, and they were victimized. Like I said, the victim needs validation and to rebuild their sense of self worth again and value.... not made to feel awful and stupid for having gotten involved.

People on here, on PC, who are trying to "help" may not be helping at all, and in fact, may be making things worse for the victim.

So please keep all of this mind, while you are trying to support an abuse victim.

I hear you! I heard that phrase stop being a victim!

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