Abusers who try to normalize their abuse

Ceara1010 · Feb 10, 2020, 10:20 AM

I've got abusers in my life who keep insisting that their felony level abuse of me is therapy. Because I won't embrace their abuse as "help" they insist I just like to stir up trouble because I get bored. Because I acknowledge the truth about them they say I'm just paranoid. These criminals have doctorates and they think this places them above reproach and the law. But it doesn't.

It's common for abusers to try to normalize their crimes. Does anyone else here in an abusive situation have abusers who try to insist their crimes are normal behavior?

Zevvy · Feb 10, 2020, 10:46 AM

My ex did, yes. After one of our fights he would try to downplay how bad it really was. He would say that it was normal for couples to argue as if our fights were simply arguments. But they weren't. Our fights would end with broken plates and one of us storming out before it got violent. One of our neighbors even called the police on us once. I was so embarrassed, but thinking back, I'm really glad they did.

At least he never claimed that these arguments were supposed to help me. I'm very sorry you went through that.

Ceara1010 · Feb 10, 2020, 02:17 PM

Maybe his parents had violent fights and that was all he was used to. Abusers can be the most tremendous rationalizers.

HD7970GHZ · Feb 10, 2020, 03:39 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ceara1010

I've got abusers in my life who keep insisting that their felony level abuse of me is therapy. Because I won't embrace their abuse as "help" they insist I just like to stir up trouble because I get bored. Because I acknowledge the truth about them they say I'm just paranoid. These criminals have doctorates and they think this places them above reproach and the law. But it doesn't.

It's common for abusers to try to normalize their crimes. Does anyone else here in an abusive situation have abusers who try to insist their crimes are normal behavior?

Hi Ceara,

Interesting post!

I definitely see this. Perfect example: cultural and systemic abuse and corruption in large scale corporations and publicly funded institutions, whether they be healthcare, law enforcement, judicial systems, prison systems, psychiatric units, child protection services, etc.

What an absolute gong show of a planet we are on.

Normalization of deviance occurs in all institutions that provide power and no accountability to employees. Snitches get stitches, so the abuse of power becomes normalized, as does the corruption that results if ever the survivors are to speak up and try to expose them.

These same power dynamics can be found in sooooooo many different places in society.

The most vulnerable are being preyed upon left, right and center.

Thanks,
HD7970ghz

It is literally a gong show.

partyofone · Feb 10, 2020, 04:07 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ceara1010

I've got abusers in my life who keep insisting that their felony level abuse of me is therapy. Because I won't embrace their abuse as "help" they insist I just like to stir up trouble because I get bored. Because I acknowledge the truth about them they say I'm just paranoid. These criminals have doctorates and they think this places them above reproach and the law. But it doesn't.

It's common for abusers to try to normalize their crimes. Does anyone else here in an abusive situation have abusers who try to insist their crimes are normal behavior?

Yes indeed, Ceara. That sounds very familiar!

I've not heard the specific claim that it's all 'therapy', but I have heard abusers either normalize or downplay both physical and emotional harm. You know that it's a way they can also argue to themselves that they're innocent, while they're trying to get you to buy that as well.

The more they minimize, the more they're able to discount any other times you bring up the abuse, and the more they can self-righteously argue that you're being an awful unforgiving person for continuing to be offended and to blame them.

The doctorate part's pretty familiar too. You know, they may not hand those things out to just anyone, but about 4.5 million people do. Like any other huge group, we can't think that they're all angels, can we?

Please take care of yourself. The abusers won't.

Fuzzybear · Feb 14, 2020, 08:20 PM

I have also experienced this. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

Bill3 · Feb 17, 2020, 05:55 PM

According to my mother, screaming at me when I was a small child who expressed an opinion was intended to make sure that I did not become "spoiled".

sarahsweets · Feb 18, 2020, 04:48 AM

IMO if there was an expanded definition of an abuser it would include normalizing or rationalizing their abuse. Abusers all try to do this, I feel its a common trait,.

feb2020user · Feb 18, 2020, 04:16 PM

Trigger warning: This is the undoctored, genuine mindset that I've had as an abuser when it comes to normalization:

Possible trigger:

I wouldn't say that I normalized my behavior. In fact, I didn't really understand that what I was doing was wrong. I knew, on some level, that some people disliked it and thought it was immoral. To me, that didn't mean anything. How many people think smoking or pre-marital sex is immoral? I wasn't trying to rationalize or normalize what I was doing, because in my head it really was normal. I thought that if you complained about what I was doing, then clearly you were just too emotionally fragile and you were pushing it on me. I had to rationalize why what I was doing was bad, not why what I was doing was okay, in order to be less abusive.

At the time, I even thought that I was catching all of the worst stuff that I was doing before I did it. I felt like, hey, you should be thankful I'm not worse than this. Again, this wasn't me lying to myself or trying to dodge consequences. I actually, literally felt this way and was almost entirely incapable of seeing why I was wrong. I know that this total lack of empathy is hard to understand, but I wasn't arguing with myself when I said that my behavior was totally fine or even good. I was arguing with whoever was calling me out on my abusive behavior because I was literally incapable of seeing the problem with what I was doing. It wasn't even a defense mechanism, I just didn't have empathy and didn't know what healthy relationships were supposed to look like. Any attempts to get me to change my behavior seemed manipulative to me, or like emotional blackmail, since I was already pretty confident that I was morally clear.

Despite being incredibly charismatic, I was entirely out of touch with the emotions and boundaries of others. It was the Dunning-Kruger effect in high gear.

Nothing that I've done was okay. I can't make up for being awful to so many people. I also feel more inclined to be more abusive after learning that my behavior was bad, because in the court of public opinion I'm already the "bad guy" so why should I care about trying to behave any better? Nonetheless, I have committed to being better and learning to be less abusive in therapy. This is rare for abusers to do, though, because the aforementioned hurdles can be very difficult to break through.

I apologize if this wasn't the place to post this. I thought it might help some users to just get confirmation that, yes, abusers are crazy and, no, it's really not your fault that they have such a warped worldview that you're unfortunate enough to be the victim of.

Fuzzybear · May 04, 2020, 05:46 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Bill3

According to my mother, screaming at me when I was a small child who expressed an opinion was intended to make sure that I did not become "spoiled".

Grrrrrrrr. I can relate to this

Abusers do all try to ''normalize'' their abuse

MsLady · May 05, 2020, 12:10 AM

Yep. I can relate by so many different people who had all downplayed their behaviours

NMRK · May 07, 2020, 05:36 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ceara1010

I've got abusers in my life who keep insisting that their felony level abuse of me is therapy. Because I won't embrace their abuse as "help" they insist I just like to stir up trouble because I get bored. Because I acknowledge the truth about them they say I'm just paranoid. These criminals have doctorates and they think this places them above reproach and the law. But it doesn't.

It's common for abusers to try to normalize their crimes. Does anyone else here in an abusive situation have abusers who try to insist their crimes are normal behavior?

Hi Ceara,
my mother, in the role of the accomplice and victim herself, says that she was abused too when she was young and got over it, that all men are abusers and that I'm too sensitive.. My father (the abuser) treats her like a queen, protects her and respects her, she says. Nothing else to say..

Abusedbysister · May 09, 2020, 03:50 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ceara1010

I've got abusers in my life who keep insisting that their felony level abuse of me is therapy. Because I won't embrace their abuse as "help" they insist I just like to stir up trouble because I get bored. Because I acknowledge the truth about them they say I'm just paranoid. These criminals have doctorates and they think this places them above reproach and the law. But it doesn't.

It's common for abusers to try to normalize their crimes. Does anyone else here in an abusive situation have abusers who try to insist their crimes are normal behavior?

It is very common. No abuser would ever admit they are abusing you. After being abused by my sister all my childhood and teenage years, I ended up having a relationship with a very abusive person. This person used to beat me up and hurt me every day. Since that was normal for me and the abuser acted as if it was all normal behaviour to beat up your partner all the time. I also believed him as for me a normal relationship was to get beaten up by the bully. That is in part why the cycle of abuse doesn’t get broken.

Goforward · May 17, 2020, 06:42 PM

My ex used to claim I abused him.....aah what? He would do and say all sorts of things to me and later claim he didn't remember it. Glad I don't have to put up with that anymore.

miscmarch · Jun 08, 2020, 10:27 PM

I can't tell if my parents are being purposeful in trying to normalize their abuse, or if they were literally so absentminded about everything they did that they don't remember. But they always speak publicly (restaurants or family gatherings) about the times I remember them being abusive, but their take is practically like revisionist history. An example: If I stayed after school until I was left waiting until after dark, six or more hours. Not allowed to call anyone else and embarrass my parents. They say, "Oh, you know, we were just so busy with work that we couldn't be as close to the kids as we wanted." Or my making myself nearly every meal, otherwise I wouldn't eat, my mom remembers it as, "I hated cooking and waking up early to make your lunches, but I did it just for you." But I can deeply relate to being seen as the trouble-maker. I'm bored or mean so I over-analyze, I simply can't help it, or it's "part of my creative nature".

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Abusers who try to normalize their abuse

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