Abuser's Tactics of blaming and shaming the victim

Hello Community, I have recently discovered a pattern of behavior whilst being made subject to institutional betrayal within the medical system. This is a wonderful article that brilliant depicts how abusers will effectively victim blame and shame. I thought I would share it. Reactive Abuse They Call You Abusive for Reacting To Their Abuse Here is an excerpt from this website: “Reactive Abuse” They Call You Abusive for Reacting To Their Abuse A very common aspect of psychological abuse and manipulation is for the abuser to claim that the victim is being abusive towards them. I’ve written about the abusers “victim complex”, and “gaslighting” in this manner before. But right now I want to address the specific scenario in which the victim snaps at the abuser. They endure and endure, they have been told that there is nothing to react to, they have been told they overreact to everything, so they are afraid to mention their hurt, and confusion, and cannot acknowledge they are being abused. The endure so much for so long, they snap. They scream at the abuser. Insult them. Maybe even throw in a low-blow or unfair insult. They may even physically attack, although this is very very uncommon in victims of abuse. The abuser jumps on this reactionary outburst. They claim it is “proof” that the victim is unstable. They claim it is “proof” that the victim is the abuser after all. They can hold it up, and hold it against the victim for as long as they can, and as hard as they can. They are not interested in talking things out. They are not interested in listening to why this outburst has happened. They have their “proof”, and that’s all they ever needed from the victim. They get to say things like, “YOU’RE the one who frightened ME”, and “you are an emotional time bomb” and “I have to walk on eggshells around you”, and have the victim believe it. While the abuser is the actual time-bomb, and the victim is frightened and walking on egg shells, but dare not admit it or bring attention to it, or has been so deeply abused they don’t even see it themselves. The abuser turns the roles, and paints themselves as the victim. This leads the victim to believe they are in fact the abusive one in the relationship. They now believe they are violent and emotionally unstable, and may start describing themselves as such and seeking help for these problems. If they break away from the abuser, they stand no chance at all against the Smear Campaign the abuser then launches. Partially because they believe they -were- wrong. This does not mean that the reaction was okay. It is never okay to treat another person with violence. However, it is understandable. And it is very important to differentiate this kind of reaction with the kind of ongoing abuse that causes it. I don’t think it’s fair to call Reactive Abuse “abuse”, because the word implies a severe violence that causes detriment to the mental and physical well being of the victim. “Reactive Abuse” almost never actually harms the true abuser it was aimed at – in fact it is often exactly what they wanted, and only bolsters their sense of self-righteousness and fuels their power over the victim. A good way to tell a victim who reacted to abuse, and a psychologically abusive person creating a smear campaign against a victim is their attitudes toward their own actions. Victims will almost always be able to admit their own faults. They will know they reacted badly and did wrong. This quality is actually what the abuser uses against them in the first place to make them believe they are the ones in the wrong. Part of healing from abuse is learning to point out which of the abusers behaviors are, in fact abuse, while still acknowledging what you handled badly. (And everyone reacts badly to things when under the extreme pressure of abuse!). Abusers will almost never admit they have ever done anything wrong at all. Their victims will be blamed for everything. They will hold every tiny thing against the victim, even things they could not possibly control, or they have never tried to talk to them about. They use social bigotries against the victim, and in their own defense. (Especially mental illness is used in this way – they believe their own illness excuses them from every wrongdoing, and their victims illness is proof they are in the wrong). The most dangerous, most intelligent psychologically abusive people will even try to fake being able to admit their own mistakes. But they almost always get tripped up in the details, by claiming “oh I handled that badly -” but following it up with “-but only because of (something that is the victims fault after all)”. Thanks, HD7970ghz

@HD7970GHZ, thank you for this detailed account of how abusers operate to make their victims think they are at fault and to blame. This is highly accurate, and most common in abusers. I've been accused of being the abuser, while I am being abused. I've experienced the exact same scenarios you have described. I even had one abuser, who was screaming at me and chasing me around the house, blocking me from being able to get away from him, he yelled and said I belong in a straight jacket when I told him he's abusive, calling me crazy, bi polar, and you name it. He turned everything around on me, and even had his friends turn on me too after I told them that he's abusive. Horrific memories.

Anyways, thank you for sharing this. I hope it helps victims of abuse to see that they are not crazy, that they are the victim of abuse, and that the abuser's accusations are all false and a tactic to get the victim to believe they're to blame.

Funny, I've been feeling this way a lot lately. More subtlety but I truly feel that my partner is trying to paint a picture that I'm unstable and problematic and he's the victim.

It's like, he lies or withholds information but then accuses me of being suspicious and paranoid If I try and discuss a concern, either he drowns me out, puts up barriers, or accuses me of "attacking" him. He says "he's" walking on eggshells yet there's so much uncertainty with our relationship, I'm forever guarded. He blames me for his 'lying and withholding information' because had I not judged him or stare him down, then he wouldn't be scared in telling me things. When I make valid points against his claims, either he changes the subject (without denying it), walks away, or blames me. If I address a behaviour, suddenly it's the same behaviour he has against me. If I'm cornered, he's empowered and doesn't stop.. but uses labels against me in earshot of our daughters and neighbours (his sister). When I addressed this as well, again, he did not deny it. It just goes on and on.. it's a mind game. Then he tells me he loves me in front of our daughters and he knows I struggle with saying it in return because of all this.. plus some.. and I can only imagine what our daughters think (3 and 1). He has me in the palm of his hands.

You don't have to play his game......take your power back; you owe it to your children. The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans saved my life after 30 years of abuse.....you are being slowly and systematically brainwashed.

Yes, don't let him paint that picture. Push back. Stand your ground. Don't let him push you around. When he starts turning things on you, call him out on it. Call him out on his behavior every single time. Then tell him you're not going to listen to his GARBAGE. And that is IS garbage. You can take control of this situation and not allow him to bully you.

Well that's what I've doing for the past 2 years.. is calling on all his behaviours. He doesn't hear me though. He focuses all on his feelings and my behaviours and never the other way around. I was just reading about Reactive Abuse and that's it to a T. He's always a victim, even when he's caught lying.. and I'm controlling, bossy, hypocritical, hormonal.. and all he wants is to make me "happy". He uses these labels in front of the children and to people, behind my back. He's admitted to gaslighting, venting about me, attention seeking, being insecure, .. it goes on.. and then tells me not to worry. He's not going anywhere. He'll "take care of me" like I'm a mental case.

So last night's article on Reactive Abuse was an eye opener. It's what I've been feeling is happening but didn't know there was a label for it. I have 2 young child, still on mat leave, and in no position to leave yet. But I need strength to realize when he's in a game so I'm not reacting and taking things personal. He is unable to love anyone, including himself, and I have to lower my expectations of him and focus on my girls happiness. I need to keep myself in check so I don't get su ked into his tactics.. that's the hard part. I might as well live like a single mom and appreciate the things he can do and ignore the things he can't or won't. I know who I am. I'm not the bully.

I just realized, this is the thread about Reactive Abuse.

Abusers are emotional vampires (their secret ) is that they NEED you to constantly explain yourself. STOP doing that, and only respond when absolutely necessary. Don't argue, respond, explain. The verbally abusive relationship by Patricia Evans saved my life after 31 years of an abusive marriage. wHEN you do that (stop responding to abuse) it takes away their power. I did it! Abusers are excruciatingly insecure and need you to respond; you wouldn't go into a mental health institution and try to make sense of the mentally ill ...abusers have issues they have never resolved and take it out on someone else.

I agree whole heartedly. I often feel like I'm dissecting myself or my actions to get him to understand but either he doesn't hear me or he uses my information against me. It's like he collects my "scripts" so he can claim them to be his own concerns against me.

It's interesting how he operates and how insecure he really is. It's quite damaging how he turns against me and convinces everyone around us that I'm the problem. I'm not the crier in our relationship, though.. he is.. so he gains sympathies from others.

My greatest concern is with him using the children against me. He's recently said something to my 3 year old. I sensed it. So I talked with her myself.. and not about dad.. but about me. I reminded her about who I am and what my role in her life is, and what she meant to me. I told her I make mistakes sometimes and I always try my best to fix them and apologize, as much as I'd like her and her siblings and her dad to.. that we work together as a family. I told her she can always count on me with important things, or if she needs help.. or just to share her day... etc. She responded by telling me she loved me (repeatedly) and when she saw dad next, she right away told him she loved me and frowned at him. Interesting.

I'm in no position to leave. What else can I do to prevent damage between my children and I? Disengage with dad's attempts, reassure them that they're loved.. anything else?

I've been reading this thread and I've been wondering, what do you all suggest to do if you find yourself to be on the abusing side? Because abusers don't have in their mind the clear intention of abusing, or at least, I know I'm not trying to be, yet it still happens, as the name suggests, as a reaction. Talking to a therapist doesn't seem like an option in the near future for me, which I imagine is 1 of the solutions to working out that abusive part in your personality, not talking to him\getting as far away as possible from the person you're abusing can hurt him as much too, as he is suffering from extreme lonliness and depression and already distrusts me and if I do so it'll just set it in stone once and forever in his mind that I want the worst for him, which I don't, I've tried working other people into the equations so they can hold me accountable whenever I do succumb to being horrible like that, but it doesn't seem to be working yet, and doesn't seem like it would work in the future too... this thread\article paints it as if no matter how sorry you can be and if you do realize your actions, there's still nothing you can do about it, and you're going to abuse till the end of your days... please, I don't want that to happen

Hi HD,

Thank you SO much for sharing this excerpt. I've been actually struggling a lot lately with two situations: one with my abusive bio father and the other with an acquaintance who became abusive towards me. I don't throw around the term abusive lightly or frequently. With my dad and FOO, this behavior was so common, and it took a long time for me to go "Hey! I was a kid! I was allowed to be stupid and not always behave perfectly!" But still to this day, due to their gaslighting, it's hard for me to not take responsibility for THEIR behavior. Then this acquaintance, one of the few people I've met who really must have some kind of PD because there is no other way to explain their behavior, basically does this same thing to everyone. They behave badly, to the point of abusively, then accuse everyone else they know of that behavior. It's gaslighting to it's finest. And if you publicly called them out on their behavior then they would say that's proof they are right. When this person showed their true nature I just started blocking them everywhere, even though they even did things on social media like create new fake accounts to try to get back at me, but that worked. Eventually people approached me in our same social circle who experienced the same thing, and they also blocked them and so I was able to validate them and listen to them. When it's just a person who has no real power, it's easier to manage, I suppose, But I don't know what you do when it's medical staff. I have shared with you that I experienced malpractice in my search for treatment for cPTSD, but yes, my biggest fear is that they call you crazy and if you argue they say that only means you're crazy - so defending yourself is someone only proving their point. It's like to defend yourself you'd have to have absolutely no emotions. It's very hard to combat, but it is possible, with the support of a network of family and friends who believe you, or even just one person who believes you to give you that emotional support.

Thou shalt not lie, thou shall not steal, thou shall not bear false witness.

Abusers don't care about any of that, they are their own gods. Very bad!!

Yeah, it's the story of my life. My older sister screams and curses and hit me several times as an adult. If I react or express a bad opinion of her she claims to be abused.

Recently, I confronted her about going around screaming profanities day and night, always yelling loud enough to be heard from my bedroom or if I'm outside. She said that she swears to vent because she is abused and forced to walk on eggshells all the time. Her idea of walking on eggshells is screaming "F****** s***" all day, slamming doors and kicking and throwing thing. I don't think there are eggshells left anymore.

I agree that it's unfair to call reactions to abusers a kind of abuse. It's just how normal people respond to abuse. I wish there was a way to shut up all those abusers and narcissists who claim to be victims because others disapprove of their behavior.

And I don't know if it is related, but when credit cards come in the mail for me, my sister tskes them to her bedroom. Then they get lost in ther filthy room that's covered with dirty laundry and even has dog poop under her bed and stuff. Then she controls all the money and blames me for not getting my credit cards from her room when she took them there without asking me. I wish some really bad karma will blow up in her face soon.

Abusers often know they're abusing. If you're being reactive, what's the threat? This thread isn't suggesting that an abusive person is just reacting to a person and not intending to be abusive. It's saying that when a person reacts FROM ABUSE, the abusers use their victim's reactions as reason to why there's problems in their relationship. It's a blame game. The abuser never holds accountability for his/her action. They get a "high" from the power/control they gain from their victim. It's like a drug.

Some suggestions:

Step 1: Acknowledge there is a problem and that the problem is yours; don't make excuses and don't blame.

Step 2: Come up with a plan when you're both at baseline. Discuss a common language you can both use when either of you recognize a problem is brewing. It could be as simple as, "Time out".. or "It's happening again".. and step away for 20 minutes. Set a timer if you have to and avoid texting. It takes the body about 20minutes to recover.

Step 3: Recognize your body's symptoms that tell you you're off baseline (rising temperatures, heart racing, rapid thoughts, fisting, etc). Tell your partner how you experience these symptoms.

Step 4: Make a list of triggers together. Know ahead of time what's setting you off and investigate its root.

Step 5: Debrief. When you return, discuss how things went with you.. your own feelings and behaviours and why you needed to step away. Offer reassurance to your partner and empathy for how he's feeling.

Sorry isn't just a word fueled by guilt and shame. It's a word that acknowledges a wrong doing with a course of action to suggest it won't happen again. No one is asking for perfection. Most importantly, be honest with yourself. A lie is a lie and victimizing yourself will never bring forth any resolution. It just gives you power and control.

If your partner is depressed and isolated, due to your own behaviours, do him a favour and let him go. Do your own healing without him. He may be glad that you did, eventually.

Everyone should check this out. http://parenting.exposed/no-contact-...at-walks-away/ Thanks, HD7970ghz

Yep.. this is EXACTLY what happens.

I walked away from my family before I suspected about my mother's NDP. I instantly felt better.. stopped a drinking problem that had been an issue for just over a year. It wasn't until just before my 40th birthday I started to make sense of everything.

I didn't walk away entirely though. I chose to "limit" because, depite the circumstances, it's really hard to walk away! I consider myself quite sensitive .. often concerned about not wanting to hurt anyone's feelings or being an inconvenience, so whenever my mom was nice to me, I really struggled with thinking maybe I was wrong.

When I walked away, I was suddenly reduced to having "Paranoid Personality Disorder", seeing "only what I wanted to see". I was told I was "cold-hearted" and "mean" and that my distance was "abusive".. on and on it goes.

Everyone had an opinion (behind my back) and it was my NDP sister that made sure I knew about their low opinions of me.. although I chose not to read many of her emails.

I see these same behaviours in my partner. Surprise surprise, right? The campaign smearing began years ago.. the attention seeking, sympathy gaining behaviours. The accusations he has against me which were once concerns I addressed about him. It's the replay of scripts he now claims as his own. It's the blame game, the gaslighting, the lies and trickery.

It's a shame I fell into it again. Goes to show you how blinded one can be when abuse becomes so normal .. you no longer recognize it as a problem until it's too late.. and for me, that meant 2 children later.

Sadly it’s very very common for abusers to act as they are victims and as they are the ones being abused. Some are quite skilled at it. Otherwise how can they keep people fooled? They have to be skilled at their games.

Heck I know someone who tried to get into domestic abuse shelter after THEY stayed in someone else’s house and assaulted owner of the house and were asked to leave. They claimed they were the ones being abused.

And abusers also like to call other people’s actions “abuse”
when it’s clearly not abusive at all, people either defend themselves or just call a spade a spade. It’s not abuse! Like that person assaulted house owner and was asked to leave. She then labeled people kicking her out as “abuse”, which really they just had to save themselves. If someone is nasty to you and you call them out on it, it is not abuse and they are not victims!

I find it disturbing that your husband involves young children in his horrible drama. I’d record him on your phone and take pictures when he goes into his tirades or raises his hands or tries to brainwash your kids . Also keep detailed documentation of everything that takes place, times, dates, events etc. It might come handy. I know you said you can’t leave right now but you have to keep documentation because the day will come when you’ll need it.

Your husband is very skilled at abuse techniques, you need to be prepared

HD, thing is a person can actually have PROOF they have been abused, and can come across others that ALSO have proof as well.

And the ABUSER/LIER/MANIPULATOR actually proves they can be harmful by going on a smear campaign often right in front of others. Then you get to see the people who are willing to ENCOURAGE them as well. Yet, you also may see how they encourage INNOCENT individuals to join in on the smear not even realizing it's a smear campaign.

You can also tell because a TOXIC person will fill a space with themselves PROOF that no one else matters but THEM, THEM, THEM. They WANT you to react so they can get to say "see, I am the victim" and they look for anyway they can blame their targets for actually doing WHAT THEY ARE DOING THEMSELVES. They will literally, often even on a grandiose scale point away from themselves at others projecting ALL THEIR OWN bad behaviors onto others. If they can get an audience? All the better, because of their need for relevance.

These individuals are VERY sick people. The best thing you can do is distance from them and leave them sitting in their own toxins. They are ONLY relevant when you agree to let them be.

He doesn't physically harm us at all. There's been a few questionable aggressions towards our 3 year old in the form of grabbing her or withholding her against her will. When I addressed it with him, he normalized it.

The way he uses our daughter is by putting ideas in her head against me. He's called me "crazy", "mean", "suspicious", etc, and at one point I got physical with him because of it. He kept using these labels to the point I felt defeated. The labels weren't for me, either, but for our daughters and his sister next door to "know about". I kept telling him to stop and finally I snapped. I opened the front door and leaned into him to get him out the door. Of course it backfired. The girls got scared over my unusable behaviour, and dad shouted, "That's physical abuse! Get your hands off me!" Etc.. "proof" that I'm the "abuser" to the neighbours. When we spoke later, he didn't deny that the labels against me were for his sister and daughters, at all.

It really bothers him that my daughter tells me she loves me, so many times in a day. Yesterday she told me she loves me more than dad. For a long time, she wouldn't even tell him she loved him, and in fact, would tell me she didn't like him anymore. Really sad and I've never managed to get an explanation as to why. Of course I talked with her about saying so in front of him. It's hurtful for anyone on the receiving end to hear that. Poor little girl. She's closing up and doesn't know what to make of everything.

I think he's trying to sabotage her view of me so he can become her "favourite". He's competitive and has admitted so. He thinks his mom and sister think I'm better than he, and explained why. There's history there that has nothing to do with me. He also says that his image is hugely important to him. So I get the impression he's been sabotaging my relationship with them so they can think lesser of me.. or not get to know me at all. The stories are thick, truly. The worst part is, his family are neighbours of ours. We live in a community where everyone knows each other. Our jobs are in walking distance away. So I'm really stuck and alone.

After reading about Reactive Abuse, I'm able to see him differently. Due to this Covid19, I'm taking the girls out for daily walks without him. He has to work from home until noon so it works out well. My focus is to enjoy my girls and help maintain their innocence. When he's free, I take some time for myself to keep the peace within my heart and not allow him to get to me. Luckily we have a dog and lots of parks in walking distance.

Wouldn't you know it though, now I've been accused of giving up on our "family" and am asked if I have "met someone new". I told him I was "no longer going to continue with these conversations because it's not healthy". I'm not at all getting sucked into it anymore. So he practically fell apart by the seams.. or at least wanted me to believe so, via text... and I completely disengaged.

He also says that in order for us to "repair" our "family" we ned to spend "as much time together as possible". I interpreted that as, "I'm really insecure about what you're doing now, so I need you to be around me at all times." His insecurities are based in me no longer participating in his game. No, I haven't met anyone else. Yes, I have been social with others during my walks (he asked).. harmless chatter, 6feet apart with other dog walkers (male and female), and people I know from the community. He looked uncomfortable knowing that which was when his suspicions came forward.

He's uncomfortable when I take the dog for a walk alone? What does 'he' do when he's walking the dog? Again, his behaviours are pinned on me so if he thinks I've met someone else, then maybe he hasn't always been loyal to me. I'm not concerned he's had an affair but he does target vulnerable women in our neighborhood. He has put feelers out there. I won't get into further details around that but the guilty one is not me.

So, maybe I should start dressing nicer and put on some lipstick.. be by myself more often (when I can't be with the girls). Maybe I should reignite my self-esteem and let his BS roll off my back. I wonder where he'll take it then.

Again, I'm unable to leave right now. If I do, his pattern of behaviours will create anxieties for my girls and I can't image them being away from me for a few days and be on some visitation schedule. I'm not ready for the NPD-like drama that will undoubtedly slap me hard from all angles. I'm hugely concerned about the "stories" my girls will be hearing from his circle, once I'm out. I worry about my professional reputation, as we work for the same company within our neighborhood. There's a lot that prevents me from leaving right now.

I'm actually scared of reacting to anything now, and not because of a black eye, but because of the campaign smearing that's already begun. The only solution I know of is to disassociate from him altogether. Be a "single mom" in this relationship and just focus on the girls. Either way, they'll be affected. I don't want to pull the rug out from under them just yet. Sad, I know.

Thanks for the tip. It's a reminder. In this situation, I really don't think it'll make an ounce of a difference though. Even in court. He's not physically assaulting us so he will, at the very least, get joint custody.

Sorry for the long rant.