I'm in an abusive marriage and I cannot leave him for a year - need help coping

Hugs to you.

I understand how difficult a position that is. UGH.

That’s so inconsiderate. Next time get in a car and go get your own food. Or order delivery for yourself. Next time he does it, tell him that this waiting is excessive and you have to get food. I assume you guys don’t keep food at home (I might be wrong) or I’d be like I gotta eat, screw this and sat down and ate what I have, he can go out by himself, waiting an hour when hungry would make me nauseous. I hear you. It’s annoying.

Exactly! SO inconsiderate!!!! If not bordering on cruel!

I've done that before -- I've thrown up my hands and have grabbed my keys about to go get my own food, and suddenly he's ready.

I'm seeing everything now through a different lens. He has been very inconsiderate in different ways.

On Sundays when we wake up and agree to go get coffee? Before I know it, we're running all his errands too, making it a three-hour trip! When I thought we were just getting coffee.

We do keep food at home, but neither one of us likes to cook. He does cook sometimes, but I don't cook at all since I'm terrible.

So we eat cheaply out or order delivery, or sometimes we treat ourselves to a nice meal.

Yes, I do get nauseous. It is most annoying to me that he does this.

He used to make me wait a lot more for him over just about anything, but by now I've stopped waiting and I've just gone about my business. I got tired of waiting, waiting, waiting.

He is really inconsiderate and self absorbed. I think he may even have some narcissistic tendencies. I don't think he's a full blown narcissist, but I see tendencies in him. The world seems to revolve around him most of the time, but he covers it up with all these "nice" gestures he makes, like buying me things from the store I might like and buying me flowers and jewelry. I see right through it now.

I got a divorce after 31 years of verbal and physical abuse; I found a book which saved my life:..The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans....it might help to see an attorney (consultations are usually free); just to give you information...knowledge is power. Keeping a journal might help also.

Hugs to you.

And thank you. I do plan on contacting a lawyer at some point soon for a free consultation. I agree that knowledge is power. I do keep a journal and write nearly every day now.

So here's a dilemma I currently have:

We agreed that IF he blows up at me again, then we'll go to a counselor. I am VERY reluctant to go to couples therapy with him because I think he will deflect ALL responsibility onto me and will make me out to be the unstable and crazy one in the relationship. He has done this in many of our fights, and I have no confidence that he will own up to any of his behaviors. I don't see therapy as being helpful and in fact, I see it as being potentially detrimental to my own mental health and strength. I see myself being victimized in therapy too.

So what do I do instead IF and WHEN he DOES blow up at me again AND if this happens BEFORE I am prepared financially to leave him within the next year? What do I do then?

Like I wrote in the beginning of this thread, undergoing a formal "separation" within our apartment is not exactly feasible because the apartment is SO small. Our second bedroom has a broken bed in it that non one can sleep in -- I suppose I could purchase some sort of blow up bed for sleeping OR perhaps borrow one that I think my parents still own.

However, logistically, a separation in home would be most difficult, if not impossible, to accomplish. I also see it as a living HELL in such a small space. And I see it as being the only other alternative if and when he blows up at me again.

Are there any other options?

Hi - I know this is an old thread, just wanted to check up on you and see how you're doing.

@Toughcooki -- Awww, thanks SO much -- I just posted a new thread in relationship forum on this topic:
I don't know how I feel about my marriage right now

Thanks!

Couples counseling is usually never a good idea for many reasons.......the abuser needs to get their OWN therapy for the issues that cause them to abuse. We went to couples counseling and it was a disaster.

Something that can be helpful, is to refuse to engage in an abusive behavior. Don't respond. Abusers are emotional vampires, and NEED you to keep explaining yourself...why you were or were not doing what they are accusing you of. It is a never ending cycle. They don't care what you feel or think. It is useless to have a conversation with an abuser.

Thank you, hugs.

The situation since I started this thread has dramatically improved. He does still make communication difficult when there’s an issue, but it’s been far better for two months now. There’s still some issues at play to work through though. I think I may still try couples counseling.

I just left my abuser a week ago. I didnt read all your post, but I read the part about your concern for the lease renewed. Check with your local domestic violence center. You can get out of your lease if it is a domestic violence situation.

I wish you well.

Thank you, though this is now a non-issue.

And good for you!!!