is it really abuse if it doesn't happen daily?

I've been married for nearly 20 years and have recently realized that I may be in an abusive relationship. When things are good, they're just good - not great. I'm still wrapping my mind around things here. Is it abuse if it only happens sometimes? Episodes happen anywhere from weekly to monthly, and then sometimes several months go by without an explosion. Like, Thanksgiving day was bad, but the weeks leading up to Christmas were good. Then Christmas day was bad (because I wouldn't wear a certain nice outfit around his pervert dad), but then we had several weeks of good until right before our anniversary in April. Then things were good until last week when there was another blowup. When things are good, I "forget" the bad until the next episode. He yells, cusses me, insults & criticizes me, ignores and dismisses me, among other things throughout our relationship.

The second part is that I was abused in my childhood by my grandfather. When I met my husband I didn't recognize traits that they shared. Throughout the years I've picked up, and brushed off, similarities in characteristics, opinions, and habits. We've just recently began marriage counseling because I finally told him I was unhappy in our marriage. My question is, is it possible that I chose to marry some like my abusive grandfather because of the rejection I felt when that abuse ended? Like, maybe I somehow am hoping to make it work "this time"? I don't even know if that makes sense.

So, not only am I dealing with issues with the actions & words of my husband in our relationship, but also issues from my childhood that are resurfacing. Any input is appreciated. I hope this all makes sense.

Hello Iwannabefree: Thank you for bringing your concern here to PC. I see this is your first post. Welcome to Psych Central.

You asked if it's abuse if it doesn't happen daily. I'm not a mental health professional. But my personal opinion would be... yes it absolutely is. You mentioned your childhood relationships with your grandfather & asked if it's possible you chose to marry someone like your abusive grandfather because of the rejection you felt when that abuse ended. I don't think I'm qualified to answer that (although my gut tells me it's probably likely.) These are the sorts of issues people sometimes work with mental health therapists to figure out. And so, perhaps, in addition to participating in marriage counseling you might also want to consider seeing an therapist yourself for individual therapy.

Here are links to a selection of 13 articles, from Psych Central's archives, that (hopefully) may be of some help with putting your situation into perspective:

Recovering from Abuse: Collecting Pebbles

21 Warning Signs of an Emotionally Abusive Relationship

7 Signs You May Be in an Abusive Relationship

Identifying Emotional Abuse in Relationships

5 Warning Signs of Manipulation in Relationships

https://psychcentral.com/lib/signs-y...abused-part-i/

https://psychcentral.com/lib/signs-y...bused-part-ii/

https://psychcentral.com/blog/recove...tting-clearer/

https://psychcentral.com/blog/how-ch...relationships/

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/careg...dium=popular17

https://pro.psychcentral.com/recover...a-trauma-bond/

https://psychcentral.com/blog/repeti...peat-the-past/

https://psychcentral.com/blog/how-th...your-marriage/

I hope you find PC to be of benefit.

Hello and welcome to Psych Central! My answer as well is "yes!"

Abuse is abuse...no matter how often often it happens. I got a divorce after 31 years of verbal and some physical abuse. The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans saved my life. Every time we are abused, the body releases cortisol and cortisol damages the immune system.Quite often we marry someone like the original abuser and try to fix the past. Usually it isn't a good idea for couples counseling when one is an abuser...the abuser needs their own therapy, before getting into couples counseling. Abusers are extremly insecure...it is all about power and control. Unless he deals with his own issues, the abuse won't stop. I grew up abused by my mother and married somelike her; it is very typical.

Thank you all for the support and validation. I'll look at those resources today!

Yes. In fact, there is something known as the "cycle of abuse." You can google it, it's informative.

There is something called the "wheel of violence"---it is that on again, off again abuse, which keeps you stuck that he will change. Without therapy to address the abuser's issues, they wont stop.

^^^ Yes, that's the "cycle of abuse."

The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans saved my life; I highly recommend it!

I went through abuse as a young person, and child. I also married a person who verbally abuses me. Also not all the time. We have been married for 27 years. I realized that even if it isn't every day, it is abuse. I can't give you good advice, bc I haven't gotten out of it. I can't say why. I guess I am afraid that things may get worse. My husband has gotten better as we have gotten old, but I don't think I will ever be treated as I treat him, and maybe I am too sensitive, IDK. :

Yes, we gravitate and are attracted to what is familiar to us. So if abuse was familiar to you in childhood, it's likely that you would be attracted to a similar personality in adulthood. Abuse is cyclical and has stages where it IS on and off. Abusers are not always bad, or else they would have no one in their lives. It is good you're both in therapy, but in order for therapy to truly work, he has to acknowledge and own up to his abusive behaviors towards you AND to genuinely want to change those behaviors.

I have the same thing in my marriage. Oddly, he claims I'm the abuser. I tell him that just because I'm louder than he is when we disagree doesn't make what is said or done any worse...it's not necessarily better, either.
I was abused and abandoned as a child, and unfortunately I never worked through it properly (if there is a proper way). Even more unfortunate, a lot of recent chain of events in our family have reignited so many emotions that i am having a difficult time with. He simply doesn't take the role of supportive husband in those instances...and trigger the uncontrollable outbursts, and it spirals from there.
Its not always, but more so than not, and its not always bad, but just like you, I'm not our good goes beyond that. I wonder if I've broken into a whole new issue of dependence, thanks to his dominance.

I hope we can find the strength we need to figure things out! If not just to figure things out, then to at least get to a better, safer place for our own sake...maybe thats why we can't exactly figure things out?