[jai-jai]

I was caught up in a situation at the age of 14, sexually driven. Not consensual, however, I blame myself for being intoxicated and then allowing for the situation to unfold.

I am now 14 years past this situation, after going through therapy for it, albeit 2 years after the events, I figured it will be ok. Fast fwd to 2021. I'm happily married, have been for 5 years at this point, but I have started waking throughout the night, with flashbacks of this situation. Hands on me, around me, breathing, the feeling, the memories. Its awful, feels sadistic, I feel like I'm losing control. I didn't share this with my husband, because at the time it didn't matter anymore, it wasn't affecting me.

Now it affects me regularly, its stopping me sleeping well, it makes me jumpy and flinch when my husband tries to embrace me, i've tried to articulate it, but I can't. I feel shame, disappointment and fear. Just thinking about it takes me back to a space of complete numbness and the recklessness that followed from those events haunts me.

Sharing this outloud, for the first time in a long time, its a relief in some ways. It feels a little smaller, and a little more manageable. I hope that I can move forward with this, I want the flashbacks to stop. I want to feel the freedom again.

[Marie123]

I am so sorry that happened. You might want to consider therapy.

[leomama]

Originally Posted by jai-jai

I was caught up in a situation at the age of 14, sexually driven. Not consensual, however, I blame myself for being intoxicated and then allowing for the situation to unfold.

I am now 14 years past this situation, after going through therapy for it, albeit 2 years after the events, I figured it will be ok. Fast fwd to 2021. I'm happily married, have been for 5 years at this point, but I have started waking throughout the night, with flashbacks of this situation. Hands on me, around me, breathing, the feeling, the memories. Its awful, feels sadistic, I feel like I'm losing control. I didn't share this with my husband, because at the time it didn't matter anymore, it wasn't affecting me.

Now it affects me regularly, its stopping me sleeping well, it makes me jumpy and flinch when my husband tries to embrace me, i've tried to articulate it, but I can't. I feel shame, disappointment and fear. Just thinking about it takes me back to a space of complete numbness and the recklessness that followed from those events haunts me.

Sharing this outloud, for the first time in a long time, its a relief in some ways. It feels a little smaller, and a little more manageable. I hope that I can move forward with this, I want the flashbacks to stop. I want to feel the freedom again.

Therapy and perhaps medication so a psychiatrist too. That’s some serious trauma.

[Open Eyes]

Often what can trigger this to surface is when a person is being challenged in the now where they feel powerless and under a lot of stress.

A question that is constantly asked of a victim is "why did you wait so long". With all the AWARENESS of abuse coming to light now, it's not surprising that some victims are dealing with things they endured what could have been years ago. The mind tend to shut down when experiencing a rape for self preservation and this can leave someone with unresolved trauma that begins to resurface like what you are describing. Trauma is stored in a different area of the brain where it can be dormant for years until something in the now can bring it forward.

It's very important that when you experience these flashbacks and yes they can happen during the night, that you acknowledged that did happen but not now and that you are "safe" now. It's not your fault this is happening either, you did not do anything wrong.

It may help you to get therapy doing EMDR which helps a person to process traumas that they did not have enough life experience to process when the trauma occurred.

[jai-jai]

Originally Posted by leomama

Therapy and perhaps medication so a psychiatrist too. That’s some serious trauma.

I plan to talk it through with my therapist, Thank you for listening.

[leomama]

Originally Posted by jai-jai

I plan to talk it through with my therapist, Thank you for listening.

Next session please!

[Buffy01]

Originally Posted by jai-jai

I was caught up in a situation at the age of 14, sexually driven. Not consensual, however, I blame myself for being intoxicated and then allowing for the situation to unfold.

I am now 14 years past this situation, after going through therapy for it, albeit 2 years after the events, I figured it will be ok. Fast fwd to 2021. I'm happily married, have been for 5 years at this point, but I have started waking throughout the night, with flashbacks of this situation. Hands on me, around me, breathing, the feeling, the memories. Its awful, feels sadistic, I feel like I'm losing control. I didn't share this with my husband, because at the time it didn't matter anymore, it wasn't affecting me.

Now it affects me regularly, its stopping me sleeping well, it makes me jumpy and flinch when my husband tries to embrace me, i've tried to articulate it, but I can't. I feel shame, disappointment and fear. Just thinking about it takes me back to a space of complete numbness and the recklessness that followed from those events haunts me.

Sharing this outloud, for the first time in a long time, its a relief in some ways. It feels a little smaller, and a little more manageable. I hope that I can move forward with this, I want the flashbacks to stop. I want to feel the freedom again.

I’m so sorry that you had to experience this. Have you considered that you might have ptsd?

[jai-jai]

Originally Posted by Buffy01

I’m so sorry that you had to experience this. Have you considered that you might have ptsd?

I've been unofficially diagnosed, waiting for the psychiatrist now.. I've been dealing with the PTSD symptoms for a few months now. They come in waves of severity. Little things set me off. I feel like I'm constantly on edge, I flinch when my husband tries to touch me.

When I close my eyes, I feel the rush and then the shaking, the waves of emotion that hit me during that time, sometimes I just zone out.

The worst I've experienced lately is the smell and his touch, its like its burned into my skin and my mind. I'm terrified to remember it all. Its always there, lurking in the shadows.