My brother apologized for molesting me

I haven't posted here in a long time, but now I have a reason and not sure where else to talk about it. We went on vacation over the week and my dumbass brother decided it would be a good time for him to apologize for molesting me when I was a kid (also we're 5 years apart FYI). Effectively ruined the vacation for me, and I had been completely distracted by his comment the entire rest of the vacation, as one would naturally be distracted if a sibling said something like that. We had gone to visit family for a wedding, and I couldn't say anything to any family members about this or else it'd ruin the wedding, of course, and the wedding was planned for two years already.

A bit of background: my brother had already ruined his life several years ago, by being convicted of possessing child abuse images. Presumably he had been rehabilitating himself, but I'm not sure how much I buy that personally. But anyway, I'm pretty pissed at my brother about this, and I lied to him and pretended to forgive him, because, what else could I do? There was a wedding that was going to happen and if I said anything this would have brought all of the attention to me, and it could've even destroyed the family, especially if I mention anything whatsoever about his crime. I really don't know why he chose to do this while we were on vacation, he couldn't have found a weekend to do it?? I'm very pissed at him and not sure how to proceed. Also I don't want to hear any "you have to forgive him!" BS. You don't know how many times I've already forgiven people for severe betrayals, and my patience is wearing thin.

It’s ok if you don’t know what to do with that experience. I agree his timing was terrible. Perhaps subconsciously he did it that way because he figured you would be distracted. Often people choose to do things that don’t make sense to us like that.

How old was your brother when this happened?

I think I was 5 years old for one of the earliest incidents I vaguely remember, so he would've been 10 years old (we're 5 years apart).

Ok a ten year old doesn’t really understand how really wrong this is. I am not excusing this at all in saying that. Instead I am considering the lack of maturity and how children explore and often even being encouraged by a friend or cousin.

The timing was strange yet this may be something that is genuinely bothering him and he must need to finally say what he did was wrong.

When he did apologize to you he was giving you the power. That is important to understand. You don’t have to reply with forgiveness. Yet you could say you appreciate his acknowledging what he did was wrong.

A narcissist would not do that. Typically they go from hero to victim and this is about power and control for them. To point out something they did that was wrong is not something they care to do because they are handing over power and control. They are all about power and control.

I am sorry that your entire day was confused. Now that you have distance from the event it can be helpful to know what he gave you. He admitted it was wrong and he expressed regrets to you giving you power.

It is okay if you don’t want to forgive him snd if you feel angry at him. This is normal. I never forgave my uncle who tried to sexually assaulted me and then apologized for his actions. Only because he had admitted it in front of my family did anyone ever believe me.

Do you have any support you can go to?

Nihil, how are you? How have things gone since he apologized?

I agree, you don’t have to forgive him. As the wronged party, you’re entitled to respond to his apology however you see fit. I am sorry that it happened in the first place and, no matter how much what he did might have been bothering him, it does look like he was deliberately lessening the chance of backlash towards him by limiting your options for responses. It’s not fair on you.