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#1
Feb 07, 2008, 06:02 PM
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Again.... I post this pain.... so I do not binge/purge..... I do not want to hurt anyone... by my words... by my feelings....
My feelings.... are just "mine"....to be expressed..... A "priviledge" really... when I spent 12 years with a man... that once asked me "who told you.. that you could think?" "did I tell you.. that you could think??" .... and I could add.. to feel... to express... to hurt... Multi-layered... this pain.... I thought that I had let it go... and yet... here it is... back again... to hurt me... to "punch"... me.... I wish I could say to you... I "hate" you... but I can't.... I loved you with all of my heart... and all of my soul....my... husband.... I gave you... the most precious gift in the whole of the world... a son..that loves you unconditionally.... you... just needed to accept the gift... you paid... no child support... you.. paid no price... you took.. and you took... and you took... I never... let out your "secret".... of how you threated me... and beat me... and tried to make.... your son.. our son..."not exisit"... I never... said a word.... Secrets.... take their toll... eating disorders...one of them.... yet today... 23 years later.. when... I found.. that our son... was taught by me... that I am "unloveable".... I didn't mean to teach him that... it was just... my background... and my many years with you.. my husband..... And... that... is why... you are my EX... husband... because.. we were both "gifted" by a new precious life... our son.... I am done with you.... my heart... can no longer be broken.... because it has come full circle.... The 19 year old young girl...... who was dying.. when you met her... has become.. the 52 year old... who.. still wants life... more than anything.. I fought for my life... at 19..... I fight for my life... at 52... You... and the pain... that you inflicted.... "hold me hostage"... no longer... I have taught... our son... how to handle you... so you cannot "inflict" pain on him... you see... you... cannot..... I ended.. the cycle... with our son... so... you... will never "hold our son hostage".... ever... he loves you... but... you do not "own" him... And.... you.... "own" me... no longer... once and for all.. I am "free"..... and I have "freewill".... forever and a day.... |
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#2
Feb 07, 2008, 09:21 PM
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freewill,
There is so much in your post, so much that is you claiming yourself and your life. Well done! I rejoice in your courage and thank you for expressing your feelings here. be well, mtd |
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This is an old thread. You probably should not post your reply to it, as the original poster is unlikely to see it.|
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