There really isn't anything that anyone can say for comforting me.....

I pray... that this post does not hurt any of you.....so please use extreme caution about reading it....

it is about... the legacy that abuse leaves for future generations....

you may disagree.... this is just a post meant to express my extreme sadness... not a debate... not meant to hurt anyone... just for me... so I do not binge/purge... so that some of the pain can leave my body and soul...















I learned something of great importantance to me yesterday... my heart... is broken... and there isn't anything that I can really "do"....

I went to the body memory T... and out of it learned that I am not "unloveable".... my childhood... and 12 years of marriage to a highly abusive man.. that used to tell me I was "unloveable"...
well the knowledge I was unloveable became sub-consious....

And... I found yesterday.... that I am loveable....a good thing.. yes..

Ultimately, one of the sadest moments in my life....

I raised my son... divorced my husband... right away...during pregnancy... and entered couseling...

You see... I wanted to be the best mom that I could... I wanted my son to have what I did not have.. love.. support.. kindness.. stability...
I promised myself.. that each and every day.. I would get up and do the very best that I could.. and I did.. I stayed in couseling... my son was never in danger of physical or sexual abuse from me....

but I wanted to learn how to be strong for him.. to learn what he needed so I could provide... my son was truely raised by a village of people.. that I got into his life... families...that patterned... mom/dad behavior... friends that became his siblings...

For years, I put the "all of myself" into raising my son.... my energy.. because I wanted this so much...

I have always felt.. that I have a brand on my forehead... that says "unloveable"... invisible to me... visible to all others...

So... now my son.. is an adult...

The legacy.... continues....

I taught my son... that I am "unloveable".... yes.. I did...

So... all of my trying... all of the energy... everything I tried...

He is still impacted by the "abuse" the physical and sexual abuse that I suffered.... I was not able to totally erraticate... the multi-generational abuse... in my family....

I pray.... that for his life.... that I did give him enough that he will get farther ..... that as each future generation gones on... the impact of the abuse will eventually.... fade.................out......

You see.................... I taught my son that I am "unloveable"...

And... because of this...... because of my abusers... I have loss in my life once again... the loss of my son's love.... because.. I taught him.. I am unloveable...

The losses.. just continue......my abusers untlimately "won"... yes they did....

[Cyran0]

freewill, first off, I'm so sorry. That was such a sad post, my heart goes out to you.

But I don't think your abusers "won". They succeeded in taking some things from you, it's true. But the war isn't over and you're constantly gaining ground. And while I don't know the specifics of the situation regarding your son, that relationship isn't over either. There's time and relationships can change with time.

It sounds like therapy is giving you a better sense of your own worth and a belief that you're able to be loved. That's wonderful. And true.

The struggle continues free but I do think you've succeeded in breaking the cycle of abuse with your son and for that you're a hero.

Cyran0

[mtd]

freewill,

I see you struggling between hope and despair in your posts today. Please know that you are surviving and claiming who you really are -- that is the legacy of you. One of courage and gentle dignity. You are a beautiful, loving person. No abuser took that away. No abuser replaced that.

mtd

[SweetCrusader]

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mtd said:
freewill,

I see you struggling between hope and despair in your posts today. Please know that you are surviving and claiming who you really are -- that is the legacy of you. One of courage and gentle dignity. You are a beautiful, loving person. No abuser took that away. No abuser replaced that.

mtd

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I so agree with that. From what I've seen of you on these boards, I am amazed by you. I think you're very lovable, steadfast, gentle, and loving.

I think it's easy to get discouraged when we realize that no matter how hard we try, we sometimes carry marks of our painful pasts... and that affects the people we love.

I don't know if this helps or not, but try to keep thinking in the bigger picture. To eradicate physical and sexual abuse is a HUGE, HUGE step for future generations. You built on a very shakey foundation, thanks to your parents, but you made that foundation stronger. You gave your son a firm foundation to build on for future generations... and you may have single-handedly paved the way for your children's children's children to know what it's like to never be hurt, and to love and be loved. There is no greater accomplishment you could've made in your life. Many people who aren't abused struggle to do as much. It's so much harder for those of us who were. Yet you've given it everything you could. And that is amazing.