[Stillhuman]

Trigger warning for mentions of physical abuse, emotional abuse, sexual assault self harm, suicidal ideation.

When I was very young my mother engaged in a pattern of inciting my brother to physically abuse me.

I remember going through a period of suicidal ideation and self harm as a young teen.

My mother had thrown me out of the house. Once I was homeless I was subjected to psychological/ sexual abuse at the hands of a teen girl, and a few male classmates. It was mostly psychological abuse where the girl would give out my personal information to several men(unbeknownst to me), and try to sexuallly proposition me to them.

I ended up in a situation where a male student started getting too hands on, and he basically forced himself upon me, and coerced me into a room. His friends helped him by screaming at me to shut up. He kicked me in front of them for refusing oral sex with him.

I was confused and tried to act like it was a normal thing at first. Even the girl who tried to pimp me out seemed upset when she witnessed it. I felt tremendous confusion and shame.

I called my mom and told her she needed to let me come home. I was in tears. She screamed at me that I deserved foster care.

I ran into those guys again, and they started to try and come onto me. I broke down crying and explained my situation and why they needed to leave me alone.

I started cutting myself. The girl who witnessed it, said that I only grow my hair long because all I want is men; even my hair asks for it. I cut off my hair the next day, and then started cutting myself.

I went to a high school guidance counsellor and told them I feared for my safety, and thought about going to a mental hospital. The counsellor called my mother. My mother screamed at her that "everything" was all my fault. I just remember hearing her scream at the counsellor.

I went home, hoping that I could at least talk to them and explain things.

I was attacked when I got home. My mom came up behind me and grabbed my hair and dragged me into my room. My brother was waiting there for me. He pushed me on my bed and pinned me down as he rained down punches to my head.

My mother told him to stop punching me. She told me I was crazy and they were taking me to the hospital. As soon as they left to get the car, I made a run for it.

To make a long story short the police did nothing, and told me to stop running away. They sent me home. For a year after that my life was literal hell.

My aunt and uncle recently started suggesting I have a lot of "holes" in my memory. They particularly said this when I brought up a discrepancy in the things my aunt told me. They tried to insinuate I was lying about the abuse.

I noticed too if I ask for help, particularly when someone is treating me badly, they are quick to shift blame onto me, suggesting I am attention seeking when it isn't the case at all. They are quick to side with the person mistreating me, and will suggest the smallest thing I have done as being the cause of the issue.

When I told my story in group, a woman spoke up and said it was one of the worst reactions a parent could have to their child in a mental health crisis.

It was validating. My family doesn't believe me, and is happy to say, "It wasn't that bad" or "She has memory issues, so don't believe her." They are happy to push the narrative that suits their perfect, happy reality. Bad things cannot exist, and if you say they do, you become suspect.