Triggered....

Hi everyone. Wasn't sure where to post this, but wanted to share with someone. Anyone, at this point.

I was triggered the other night and it's just got me feeling all those old feelings of shame and dirt and worthlessness...

My mother is DID. I called her the other night and well, there was another personality on the other end of the line. I usually just deal with it, because she's been like this for a long time. The violent one (no one has names yet) was the one who used to hit on me and chase me with knives and kick me. It was the one that laughed in my face and made me feel useless.

This one is the one who is a sexual exhibitionist. I HATE HER! She started telling me about her sex life and I'm like I really have to go and then proceeded to tell me what her husband was doing and I just hung up on her. I cannot stand this anymore. It's just driving me insane, wondering who I'm going to be talking to next.

I fear she is off her medication. She has not been to therapy OR saw her psychiatrist in two months. She is on a downward spiral and I have been dealing with this crap from her for freaking 27 years and I'm sick of it. When is the little girl going to call saying, "Kimberly please help me..please, please, please come get me..."

I just cant take it anymore. Makes me want to do things I dont need to do. I want to throw my hands in the air and be done with her.

I don't want to seem insensitive, because everytime she's in crisis, she always calls me and I always go to her. I have given her way more than I owe her after what she did to me. She has 4 other kids, why is this crap always dumped on me. And the other kids are like NOT MY PROBLEM...not mine either! But I've got it anyway.

I'm sorry guys, I'm just really angry that I let this get to me.

Thanks for listening and sorry if I offended anyone.

Take Care.

(((Hugs)))
Kimberly.

Oh, sweetie, I can't imagine being in your shoes!

(((((((hugs))))))))

I think you did the right thing hanging up, and it's best to just refuse to talk to any alter that is inappropriate and/or hurtful toward you. In the meantime, you could suggest to another more reasonable alter that they need to get into therapy like NOW, and that what this other one does HURTS you.

I know you must be worried sick about your mom. But you have GOT to take care of yourself, too. You are not responsible for her and you don't owe her a thing. You have many problems of your own to tackle because of the things that happened to you in your childhood.

My best advice would be to remember that these alters are separate people, and some of them might be ok for you to be in contact with, but that doesn't mean you have to be in contact with anyone that will hurt you. And if need be, you can stay out of contact with the whole of them. It's up to you to determine if there is anything worth hanging around for here.

Just one question, though, are you seeing a T of your own? I can't remember. Maybe it would be a good idea if you're not. It would probably be a good idea to talk to a T who knows a fair amount about DID, too.

(((((((((more hugs))))))))))

I feel for you!

Angela

I am so sorry that you are dealing with this. My answers to these issues tend to be black and white. You don't need to deal with a parent behaving this way. You deserve to be loved and protected and her messed up-ness is not your fault. Please be well and take care of yourself.

Angela:

I don't have a therapist, yet. I did call today and made an appointment with my MD for Wednesday morning to talk to her about it.She wants to talk to me and make sure my meds are working correctly and all of that and I need a refill on them, so...gonna bite the bullet on that one.

I usually just hang up and wait awhile and call her back and usually it's someone way more reasonable. LOL. It's just that I haven't seen or heard from this particular alter in awhile and I thought maybe the others were taking over and keeping her silenced. Stupid probably, on my part, but you know a person can dream. I know she's not going to get any better without therapy and I've tried to talk to her. I guess one more time is not going to hurt. IF she continues on this path, there is going to be a major crisis soon and I'm not sure I can handle another one. I hate to say it, but one more time and she might be on her own for awhile.

Her husband is so naive. They've been married for a year and he didn't even know she was mentally ill until she had the major crisis a few months ago. I've got to have a talk with him too. This stuff has got to stop. I'm not sure what to do.

My husband sees how much pain I'm in and he doesn't want me to have anything to do with her. He says he'll deal with my family. They do treat me like their therapists. Being the oldest child, the other siblings come to me when they have a problem, because she's never really been a mother to any of us. She just hated me and she doted on them (well doted might be a stretch, she just didn't do the things to them that she did to me)

It's a hard decision to make but I'm about to face it and make it. I would rather just not feel anything at all. I'm ashamed to say mostly what I feel is pity for her. She knows she's sick, she has so many opportunities to help herself but she just ignores them and self-medicates, which she is now doing again. It's always a vicious cycle with her.

I'm rambling I know and probably making zero sense, but as you can see I'm still struggling with this. There are just some things that your kids don't need to know and definitely don't WANT to know and that alter has crossed the line so many times.....

Thanks for the hugs dear. I sure did need them!

((((((((Angela))))))))))

Take Care.
Kimberly

WW:

I appreciate your responding to me and caring so much. You have so much on your plate and I want you to know that I'm sending good thoughts your way that things start looking up for you. I feel like maybe my "tell anyone, at this point" came out wrong. I just have no one in 3d to talk to but my husband and I think he just doesn't understand to the extent that it bothers me. He cares I know, it's just that I try to be all brave and don't want to pull him down with me. He gets so angry at my mother sometimes, you have no idea....I can't blame him though. She makes me so angry too.

I agree with you...I don't need to deal with her behaving this way. I do wish so much that I had a mother that loved me and protected me, but it just seems like sometimes she hates me until she turns into a little girl and wants me to be her mommy. I have three kids of my own. I can't put them aside to deal with her. I've done it before and it is not something I am willing to budge on again.

I am learning to take care of myself. That's what my doc says, with everyone else needing something all the time, I have forgotten to take care of Kim. Well, with all you guys' support and caring, that is one way that I am taking care of me. And little by little, you guys' friendship is helping to heal my soul. I can't tell you how much that means to me and I want to thank you.

Take Care of yourself, too, lady.

Kimberly.

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Kimberly}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}} I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this. If I was you, I wouldn't deal with the violent person at all! Don't know if she would listen if you told her you wanted to talk to someone else or not, but if hanging up and calling later works, then that's what I'd do. Tell that personality to get help or you're going to keep your distance. Talking to her husband is a great idea. He's her husband. He needs to deal with her because she's his responsibility, not yours.

Hun, I'm always here for you if you need to unload. Don't know much about DID but I can sure lend you my cushy shoulder. You know I care about you.

Please take care of YOU.

((((((SEPT)))))))

Your post almost made me cry! You guys have helped me so much, just opening up and talking about all this stuff in my head, these memories, all the screwed-upness now. It feels good to know that other people actually care how I feel.And I care so much for you guys!
I think you're a sweet lady and I don't know that much about DID either! lol. I really just have to sit back and watch her to really be able to tell the differences in her.

Alot of it is in her voice and the way she talks. I can tell. I knew this person was someone I didnt need to be talking to but I did anyway, dumbly and got rewarded for it

You're right, the violent one, in retrospect, doesn't rear her ugly head at me anymore, not since I told her I would beat her down if she ever touched me again. (I was about 20 at the time) That's the one that likes to mess with my sister because she picks fights too! Well this person is VERY obnoxious. Most of them are, where my mother is concerned.

You know the whole husband thing. That's my thinking too. When she had major crises a few months ago, he called me like what do I do. I'm like you can force her into treatment, I can't do ANYTHING. Why does he ask me? She's his responsibility and I'm feeling like I need a break from her for awhile. If she calls and asks me, I will tell her why. I am going to make one more phone call to her and tell her she really needs to get into therapy and then maybe we can all heal our old wounds....until then, none of us can stand to be around her.

I don't know why I let this eat at me so much. I am not HER mother. ARGH! just makes me mad. Mostly because this alter is also the one that likes to do drugs and party. She has abused her body so much...

Thanks so much for listening. It feels good just getting it off my chest.

(((((((((SEPT)))))))))) felt like giving you another hug

Take Care lady,
Kimberly.

(((((((Kimberly)))))))))

I hope you will do what you need to take care of yourself. I really am sorry for you that you have to deal with this. It would be so hard.

Angela

(((((((((((((((((((((((( Kimberly ))))))))))))))))))))))))))) if ok. I know you don't know me well, if at all. I've only been here a couple of weeks.

To a degree, I can relate with what you're going through (we've always been the mother's rescuer, make everything alright person). I've had more than my share of dealing with a hysterical mother. And when I would stand my ground, a cruel parent.

I understand the decision that you're trying to make for yourself. I had to make it as well. My mother understood absolutely NO boundaries. There were no lines I drew that she would not cross. After I was in t for a while, I finally had the courage to separate from the mother (the hardest thing I've done in my adult life). I had already been pulling away from her emotionally. For instance, I was there talking to her on the phone physically, but I placed a wall very high that almost nothing got thru to get an emotional reaction from me. She started acting out like a child...creating traumas and I still didn't bite. Then she became angry and hurtful. After so long of her hurt, I was able to do what I needed to do for me, and it was hard.

To make a long story short...I didn't speak with the mother at all for over three months...not one time. There was an accident involving my baby nephew and she called me hysterical (genuinely and with reason)(the baby and everyone was fine, but it was a scary situation). Anyhow, I still didn't speak to her often after that and kept that wall very high. T told me she was uncapable of learning boundaries. Well, t was wrong! T said I would never get accomplished what I needed to in t if I didn't let her go and focus on selves. Well, after alot of hard work, the mother did learn some boundaries. She never saw me as emotionally ill...no one did. I was the strong one. They took advantage of my goodness.

Anyhow, the mother did learn what few boundaries I literally had to force into place, and it's been fairly good since then. I actually have what it takes to say to her now, "mom, you don't hear me and what I'm saying so I'm going to hang up now and will talk with you tomorrow." Before, she would've thrown herself on the floor crying....or cursed me out. Now, she's accepting that. She learned that she'd rather have me somewhat limited than not at all. And this happened with a woman who is severely emotionally ill and who's t said she would never accept that from me.

I hope something like this can happen for you? I wanted my mother in my life, but couldn't continue on the way I was...it was taking me down. It took a long time and consistancy on my part, but I look back and it was worth it. On the other hand, I understand if you decide that you have to separate from mother long term, if not for good. I had to make that decision and actually that was what I was prepared to do when I stopped speaking with her.

I hope so much for you and your mother. Be safe and I'm sending peaceful, understanding wishes your way.

Kimmydawn

((((((Angela))))))

I am feeling a little bit better about it all today. It's just the old feelings resurfaced and it's hard for me to tuck them away again. I do go to my M.D. tomorrow, and hoping she refers me to a therapist. Going to talk about it and I need that referral so my insurance will pay. I am feeling more at peace and I feel the time for atleast a small amount of healing is coming my way. It's already started, thanks to you guys.

I hope your day is going well...sending good, soothing thoughts your way!

Take Care,
Kimberly.

(((((((((Kimmydawn)))))))))) I love hugs and love giving them. LOL!

It seems we have alot in common. I am always the savior too, it seems and boy does it wear a body down.

I think the decision to keep her in my life actively would be easier to make if she were going to therapy. She has denial issues as well with her diagnosis of DID. She is fairly atypical. She has black out periods that she claims not to remember. I think it's the she doesn't WANT to remember what she does, but she just sorta wakes up as herself again and like nothing ever happened. Like she was asleep or something, but the rest of us know she wasn't..and in a bad way.

She can be extremely cruel, too. She is mean and unfeeling most of the time. It's like she doesn't care about anyone but herself. She cries alot to get sympathy and then when she sees she has it, her eyes dry and it's like this little smirk and right back to her old ways. That's what makes it so difficult.

It's like being abused all over again. I'm a grown woman with a family of her own, I can't let her get to me. When I get depressed, it affects MY children. I don't want them to see me the same way and I see her. The greatest gift she ever gave me was showing me how NOT to mother. I just do the opposite, as sad as it sounds.

I know that her issues are not her fault. She was severely abused...and she dissociated, but that doesn't mean that it doesn't affect us kids, especially since she decided "I" was the cause of everything bad that ever happened in her life. She had 5 kids, but being the oldest, ofcourse it was my fault.

Oh man, did I ever just ramble.LOL.

I am feeling better. I think the decision that I've made is this, talk to her about her therapy. Let her make the decision for me. I refuse to be around if she's going to keep up this stuff. It's like all the emotional abuse is all over again, and this time I'm old enough and strong enough to stand up for myself!

If she's willing to do what she can and I will tell her about the alter hurting me. I think that is important. Perhaps it will help things. I will hang up on her again if she is the one on the other end of the line. I will also hang up if it's the violent one. I don't have to put up with that and I refuse to. IT hurts too much and I'm going to take care of myself from now on. I'll be there if she needs anything, but only if she's willing to get help. Does that sound selfish?????

Thanks so much for replying. I've read a few of your posts before and I really get the sense that you are a great person and I'm so happy to have met you. It's a pleasure.

Take Care
Kimberly.

thank you and it's good to meet you as well

As to your decision, I think you've made a very grown up, responsible, empowering decision. I am DID. Most of me did not realize our power and "adulthood" where the mother was concerned, so it was a very clouded issue here.

I praise you for your mothering...I have done the same with my children. I have two girls 22 & 17. They're well adjusted, great children. I broke that cycle. It helped that I married a "healthy, normal" man...hehe. My oldest just graduated from college with her BA in psych (i swear to try to understand me better...hehe). My youngest is a junior in high school and doing great. I'm sure you do great and will continue to do great with your children. One thing that bothers me when I look back on my children growing up is...I spent just as much time and energy on the mother as I did my children, leaving me very drained for them. I'm angry when I think about that. So many times I shushed my children because the mother was on the phone in crisis. Then when I would hang up, I was so wrapped up in her crisis that I still wasn't there for them as I should have been. I praise you for making your decision and standing by it. You sound like you know exactly what you need to do and are going to do it! good job!

I think your stand may get your mother back into therapy...no it's not your "job or responsibility", but it's something you want and need to do to feel ok about the situation. You have come soooo much farther than I had at your age. It didn't help that I was dissociating heavily back then. You are going to do great.

Sending wishes full of strength to make the stands that your making right now. I hope I'm not overstepping any bounds in saying "i've been where you are" and I'm proud of you.

Be safe,

Kimmydawn

(((((((Kimmydawn))))))))))No overstepping at all, it feels good to receive such a compliment.Thanks for the wishes..I need them!

I have always felt when she was in crisis that I was neglecting my kids when I ran to her. The kids, ofcourse are concerned for their Nana but they don't understand and I hope they never know what she put us through.

I dissociate too. Not DID, but I get this lovely unaffected feeling and that's usually how I feel when I am speaking with her in her hysterics. I have that same wall you're talking about and I try to rationalize with her. I keep her at arm's length. It seems to work better that way. It keeps me feeling "safe". Perhaps that is why she calls me when something goes wrong.

There is alot of guilt that comes along with mothering your children AND your mother huh? LOL. Apparently you've done a great job with your children. Smart and obviously well-adjusted. Hey, can't beat a psychology major in the family! I would be extremely nervous having my kids psychoanalyze me though. LOL. But I am weird like that. It's the paranoia. It helps when you can laugh at yourself. And to them, they know I'm not like other moms, but I'm their mom and their friends think I'm cool. How scary is that ????

It's great having someone to converse with that knows what it's like dealing with a drama queen mother. Most of the time she is tolerable. Sometimes you know she gets off track and instead of taking her meds that the pdoc prescribes, she self medicates with street drugs and alcohol and boy does it get U-G-L-Y!

That is the one thing I'm afraid of because when she was drinking she was very very very abusive towards me. And inappropriate.

I'm getting over in left field now. I have made my decision, to save my own sanity. I hope it doesn't come across as cruel, but we have a strong family history of mental illness and sometimes you have to implement what I call self-preservation.

Take Care
Kimberly.

Whew, we're sounding more like twins every post...lol. I understand about your children's friends thinking you're cool. My daughters would get mad cause they thought their friends liked me more than them and came over just to see me! Me thinks DID played a HUGE role in that. lol. There are some benefits to having internal children and teens...hehe.

I'm sorry that your mother abuses alcohol and meds. I so understand as well about the long history of mental/emotional illness. I've told t so many times, "it's amazing how two ppls so sick found each other...out of all the ppls in the world, let alone rural West Virginia". I'm referring to the mother and father. I have two brothers (one younger and one older) who are extremely disturbed and users. In fact, they don't function well at all in this world. I guess if it weren't for DID, I'd be the same maybe?

Thank you for the extreme compliment on my daughters. That's one thing I feel really, really good about.

Take care and keep up the good work of taking care of you and yours

Kimmydawn

(((Kimmydawn)))

I think you're right about the twins! lol....

I think you're also right about the DID. It's your version of my "self-preservation" which, with me, is pretty much an extreme case of apathy. I feel nothing. I can turn it on and turn it off and also, sometimes it gets overwhelming and I can't do anything and my mind races. Sucks sometimes.

Oh yeah I bet the teen thing is too cool. I think the reason the kids' friends think I'm cool is because I never got to be a child until I had children,as strange as that sounds! Oh I love doing things with them. Giving the little ladies facials and getting hugs from the little man. I let them get wet with the waterhose in the summer when some people complain about wasting water. I let them run through puddles and play in the rain, because I have so much fun doing it too

I let my inner child surface and I guess that's why my children don't get as much discipline as some folks think they should I say they're kids, let them be kids! Oh and they're so happy they just laugh and they talk to me about the things that bother them and I think to myself how lucky I am to have them. Sometimes I write them letters and give to them to read privately and it's always special and personalized and I just tell them the things I love about them. That's something I never had and wished I would've had when I was a child.

Oh, man, don't get me started talking about my kids...LOL..I could do this ALL DAY! (Can you tell I am feeling better already?) They're the pride and joy in my life.

My mother is just like her only brother (manic depression) and only sister (schizophrenic), she is a habitual drug user and alcohol abuser. Oh it's so much fun being in this family. NOT. lol.It's so dysfunctional. It makes me so glad to have atleast in some small way broken the cycle.

My siblings are great. They all have issues, though and that can make it hard. One of my 3 brothers is schizophrenic and off his meds , another is in a constant state of paranoia and refuses to see a problem, and the 3rd one is in a perpetual state of childhood. He's 20. My sister has issues with our children, suffers from PTSD and depression. I'm not sure she doesn't have Borderline Personality Disorder but she has never been diagnosed.

Oh did I ever go into left field that time! I just wanted you to know that I do know what it's like watching your family go through so much...

Thanks so much for cheering me up and you're welcome for the compliments, they're well deserved!

Take Care and Hugs,
Kimberly.

wow you guys are incredible. I am touched by your love for the mother and the efforts to care for yourselves at the same time. KTP and Kimmy, you seem so strong and clear on your decisions. I am glad for you that you are feeling peace with it. Once in a while I think i miss my mother but what I miss is the idea of a mother because I really never had one. Could not do a relationship with her as it would be unhealthy. Most people I know think the parents are dead. let it be. Good job ladies!

ww, thank you for the good job statement. I'm sorry for what you've gone thru with your mother. I do understand the decision that you made, because when I quit speaking to the mother, I was ready for that same decision.

Wow, when you mentioned "the idea of a mother", how that so hit home. T said that's what we were always searching for and rarely ever finding. But the very very rare time that we saw a glimse of that kept us going, hoping for more.

I hope you have a good day tomorrow. Be safe,

Kimmydawn

(((((((ww))))))))))

Hon, you read me like a book. That's what I am looking for...the idea of a mother, because I've never had one either. My relationship with her is very unhealthy but its hard to cut ties, because she only lives 6 mi. away from me. I do go for weeks at a time and sometimes a month without talking to her and then she'll call me. Usually everything is okay, just small talk. As long as no emotions are involved, I can handle her.

My decision is based solely on self-preservation. My only guilt comes from the grandparents. Her parents are still alive and 300 mi. away and they expect me to be her savior, and that is unfair in my eyes, and makes me want to cut ties with them. And they're older and they were partly my saviors so...its complicated.

(((((HUGS))))) to you and to Kimmydawn.

Take Care.
Kimberly.

ktp, it's hard when we let others shoulds get to us. Grandparents huh? I was missing my Nanny the other day. She was kind to me and the mother hated her so to keep peace before I had quite figured this out I distance from Nanny. It was over her end of life that I stopped having anything to do with the mother about 11 years ago.

WW:

My mother also hated her mother. She blames her for the things that happened to her as a child, as well as the grandfather. But....by the time I was born they had changed and I don't know who they were then just that they were good to me as a child, when the mother was so bad. My dad was not bad, just sorta detached. He said he loved us but I never knew if it was true or not. Now he keeps me at arm's length or maybe I keep him that way. Anyway, I'm not sure about him.

I was fixing to call mother. I call her by her name, which starts with a T but I'm too afraid that it will confuse people, but I do so hate to call her mother. It leaves a bad taste in my mouth just typing it....

I am going to take the advice of my husband and you guys and just cut my losses at this point. It's too unhealthy for me to have a relationship with her at this point. I am finally feeling more like me and I don't want that dragline pulling me back down.

The other's shoulds are just going to have to be silenced....even if I have to just the mute button on when they speak.

Thanks so much for posting to me.I totally understand your decision and respect the strength you had to make it!

((((((HUGS))))))
Kimberly.