[Afterthought]

This is VERY hard to write about, I have never told ANYONE about this. I keep having nightmares at night that I am being sexually assaulted and degraded and held down on my stomach, and also of being raped by a demon and I can feel it so real and have even enjoyed it even though I feel so guilty and embarrassed about it. Why do I have these? I can't get sexually excited without thinking about forceful sex and I am so mad about it. I can't believe I have these thoughts, it is scary.
Also, I always get attracted to married men, but when someone who is single is interested in me, I get scared or get mad. What the hell is wrong with me? I am 24 years old and have never even had a serious relationship. (except with a married man but not too serious)

I read in a book on sexual abuse that when the abuse happens, that women tend to view it in terms of degradation. Feeling attention has to be sexualized ..even if with a married man. In turn, we feel shame at the sexualization and then further hurt ourselves. In the book it also talks about fears of intimacy that develop as a result of abuse and self-hatred. Because married men are unavailable, it might be easier to gravitate towards (also b/c it induces more self-hatred). Perhaps your own unavailability emotionally, allows you to give yourself to married men instead of single men for fears of being loved and fears of being known.
Just a thought..
Sometimes it is nice knowing that things you experience are common enough to be written about and may have a reason behind them. Hope you can talk to your therapist about it.

[ktp]

Very nice esthersvirtue! That sounds like a distinct possibility. I didn't not want to respond to this post but I had NOTHING wise to say.

Afterthought I hope you do talk to a therapist about this. It makes sense to me.

Best of luck with this. We're always here to listen. Always.

Take Care of yourself,
Kimberly.

[vetttech]

I have images of being sexually abused too. It just started about 7 months ago. I hate sex unless it is with an on-duty police figure and I have no idea why...