[iamtwilight]

i'm not quite sure where to post this, but i decided this belongs here rather than the relationships & communication forum, since the reason i feel this way is realted to the abuse.

so wednesday night. i am in a very confused state, somewhat psychotic, shaking like mad, very vulnerable, easily triggered. i came to the city my boyfriend lives in, and he wanted me to do something that triggered me. i refused and also refused to say why. i just didn't feel like it, i was so vulnerable, so my behaviour probably came off as "difficult". he was saying stuff like " i didn't do this just so you could act like that" and "you should have told me earlier you didn't want to" and "i'm not going to watch this all night".

i was just quiet and walked on. some minutes later, he says "can we stop for a while" and i go to the side of the road and stare at the setting sun. then he comes next to me and puts his hand on my shoulder and says....

"sorry. i didn't mean to be angry. i'm just pissed off at the world." (we're working on moving to sweden. both feelin a littl pressure)

and i'm like what the HECK?! i deserved it, i was difficult! i was quiet all along because he was right and it hurt me! i didn't say it, but "sorry" was the last thing i expected... now i kinda feel bad because i'm not sure if he really should've said sorry... no one ever really says sorry to me and means it. that was the most genuine sorry i have ever heard. most of the time people just say it, it's a quick fix.

today i read this page about abuse and ptsd and stuff.. and i realised, my thinking is still so "distorted" that i barely trust anyone. and my image of me is very negative. i keep analysing things about me, especially compliments, over and over until they become negative.

but that genuine "sorry" made me realise... i have only begun my road to "recovery". funny how one word can turn your world around. i haven't been the same ever since..

[pachyderm]