Long, Long, Long post. Trigger

Okay, so if anyone can follow this train of thought here goes. My friend, the one who taught me I was lovable, died a few months ago. I have had immense difficulty with her loss. I have been searching for something via contact with my family of origin. Spoke with estranged sibs, spoke with the father a few months ago after 10 years or so. Spoke with the mother last night. Today I figured out what I have been looking for by the contact with the original family. I have been trying to determine if I have any value to them? Now I know that sounds like a silly question being that I was tortured, neglected and abused in every which way. But still, there was something making me contact them. It was the question, Do I have any value to these people? The answer is absolutely not. Cured a problem by discovering that today. Now that I know what I was looking for I can stop. My friend who loved me since I was about 14 taught me that I was good and beautiful and lovable. She new the secrets and still loved me. She loved all of me. She is not here and I am surrounded by pain and difficulty in my life and I became that teen again looking for love. Wanting to feel valued, appreciated. I have been feeling so unsafe again lately in my life. So I am a middle aged woman with 3 kids and I am still a little child wanting love and approval. Feeling self-hatred, that I am bad, why, because there is no one from that time to love me? I have no value to my 8 sibs and to the parents. Sibs have survived however they could. I have 0 value to anyone who knew me when I was a child. It is devastating. I don't even have a picture of myself as a child. Just the memories that come back in my dreams to remind me to stay away and stay safe. My friend held my childhood for me and gave it light. And now she is gone and I feel lost. But I do know that I will not be in contact with those people again as I am worthless to them. I have to look around me at those who know me now and look for the validation I need. I have to stop feeling that I am a bad person and take the steps to care for myself. Eating, physical therapy, slowing down at work. I have to take the time to connect at work with those I like. So, many tears in this post, glad the computer screen can't have running ink. Just wanted to share what I discovered.

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dear, i know that's such a sad realization...i know too well. and i know as i'm writing this that it doesn't help your pain. someone relating to something that deep just doesn't help the pain. the pain that is at the core of being, cannot be reached by anyone but self. nurture that hurting child. allow those that will to love her now. re-learn love, value and appreciation. allow yourself to cry for what has passed, but know that it was them who were wrong...you were an innocent born into that. i can't answer the why of that. i have that same question. i only know it's for a reason.

i'll share with you what a wise man once said to me when i asked why i was born into and allowed to happen to me what did. he said, "i can't answer that, except to say that because of it you are the most compassionate soul i know. maybe you went through that because your soul is strong enough to tolerate it and the world needed you as you are today...compassionate and healing. if you'd not gone through that you would not be capable of helping the people that you have helped." in some ways, on some days, that helps me.

ww, you know what i suffer and for that i'm sorry. however, i'm very glad you're in this world making the differences that you're making. i love you for it.

kd

and, ww? i've seen LONG posts....this one was perfect

kd

Uh Kimmy, you make me cry. I know we can't know why. i also know that I am a very compassionate loving soul, as are you. It just plain hurts so bad to have no one to hold the childhood. At 14 I was young enough that my friend still reached some of that child. I hate that you understand this, that anyone has to. Thanks for loving me and KNOWING. Lots of sloppy snuggles your way.

I'm so sorry sweety! I wish I could take your pain away.

You are such a wonderful person. You have a great willpower and so much love inside you. The people who know you now are very lucky to be part of your life. Whatever have happened in your past you have remain a loving person and that, my dear friend, nobody can take that away from you. I'm glad you have crossed my path!!!

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nightdream

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Night dream, what a very kind thing to say. I am glad that I am thought of as a caring person because I believe I am and I believe that is how we each can make the world a little better.

Ozzie, thanks for the hugs.

Bear, everytime I see you from now on I will think of wool and snuggles.

Sky, flowers and smiles? Ain't no flowers round here this time of year, thanks for the bouget.