[50guy]

I have never told a professional, (other than a Minister), about my childhood sexual abuse, or my other personality that is becoming more prominent.
My DW wants me to get help and get it fast. I have a 11:30 appointment with my provider for my problems but, I think it is time to seek more professional help. I am at a crossroads in my life. My DW can no longer live with me and this problem. Sometimes I really want her to leave and have been pushing her away. I desire to be free and the longing exacerbates the inner turmoil I have. I feel like a prisoner in my marriage. I feel like a weak man mentally. I know that some are going to respond in the positive but, that is not what I need as much as I love you all. I need to know that I am going to be ok telling this to a pdoc or whatever, I am so concerned with losing control of my emotions and not being able to keep my dignity in the process.
Sometimes I cry for no reason. Sometimes I am angry to the point of near violence.

I have always felt that it is a weakness in a man not to face down his demons and vanquish them through pure mind over matter thinking.
I am very angry that my main abuser died a couple of years ago and I never got the chance to confront him and make him admit to his cruelness.
Him and his friends can all die horrible deaths and I hope that the last thing they think about before they die is what they did to that 9 year old boy for 3 long years. Torture and torment that has come back to haunt me.........
God forgive me...I hate them so much.

Please pray fory me.....
Eric

[reddevil]

You need to tell your Pdoc, and you will be ok.

It is not weakness on your part, sometimes things are too big to be able to conquer them on your own.

I will be thinking of you.

[MINIME]

I think its normal to feel the way you do about loosing control over your emotions. I think I have heard a lot of people say that. You can do this and you will be ok but its a long road. hang in there ok?

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by 50guy

I I need to know that I am going to be ok telling this to a pdoc or whatever, I am so concerned with losing control of my emotions and not being able to keep my dignity in the process.
Sometimes I cry for no reason. Sometimes I am angry to the point of near violence.

I have always felt that it is a weakness in a man not to face down his demons and vanquish them through pure mind over matter thinking.

Eric, I am so sorry...... To get better you have to take the first step. Vanquishing demons with the mind leaves out the emotions and you can't get anywhere like that. We will be here to support you....

(((((((((((((((Eric))))))))))))))))

You know me, you know how long i have been coming here, sad, angry, hurt, aggressive ...... my past has been the same as yours, well, similar for 43 years also .... i am learning to like me, i am less angry, agressive, sad .... yes i have down days, but through proper therapy, here, friends, family i m healing and so will you my friend........

I want this to be hope for you .... i am learning to trust, love, respect others, not let past ghosts win ..... i am more positive now than ever in my life ...... I'm 43!!!!! Better late than never .... YOU CAN DO THIS. Don't even have he thoughts in your head that you can't cry, grieve for your childhood, dont think you've failed ..... it takes a MAN to cy, face up to his demons and live again. When you are healed, you will live life to the full, love, laugh. You don't ever have to forgive your abusers, you just move on ..... they will get their comeuppance my friend ...... pm me any time, I am here for you.

Love, Kerry xoxoxoxoxoxox

[Mouse_]

Originally Posted by 50guy

I have never told a professional, (other than a Minister), about my childhood sexual abuse, or my other personality that is becoming more prominent.
My DW wants me to get help and get it fast. I have a 11:30 appointment with my provider for my problems but, I think it is time to seek more professional help. I am at a crossroads in my life. My DW can no longer live with me and this problem. Sometimes I really want her to leave and have been pushing her away. I desire to be free and the longing exacerbates the inner turmoil I have. I feel like a prisoner in my marriage. I feel like a weak man mentally. I know that some are going to respond in the positive but, that is not what I need as much as I love you all. I need to know that I am going to be ok telling this to a pdoc or whatever, I am so concerned with losing control of my emotions and not being able to keep my dignity in the process.
Sometimes I cry for no reason. Sometimes I am angry to the point of near violence.

I have always felt that it is a weakness in a man not to face down his demons and vanquish them through pure mind over matter thinking.
I am very angry that my main abuser died a couple of years ago and I never got the chance to confront him and make him admit to his cruelness.
Him and his friends can all die horrible deaths and I hope that the last thing they think about before they die is what they did to that 9 year old boy for 3 long years. Torture and torment that has come back to haunt me.........
God forgive me...I hate them so much.

Please pray fory me.....
Eric

You have a gentle soul! That is your gift! it will be ok .

[sabby]

((((((((( Eric ))))))))))))

It sounds to me like it is now "your" time to come to grips with your demon so to speak. This other personality is begging to be heard...to be validated. Until then, issues can arise by ignoring. The strong feelings welling up inside with nowhere to go.....they will continue if not faced and dealt with hon.

To be strong means many things to many people. In my eyes, strength comes from accepting a fear, feeling the fear, working through the fear, coming out on the other side of the fear and being able to put the incident(s) of fear into perspective. If one cries through it, it's a strength to release those emotions, to let go of the fear. Many times, fear is born of lack of understanding.......are there things you need to try to understand about yourself, about your life? Many times that fear seems larger than life because it's been fed for so long.....the way for it to stop growing is to stop feeding it. It is a process...I do hope you are able to get through it soon.

You have more strength than you know.....and I'm wishing you well.


sabby

[pegasus]

((((((((( Eric ))))))))))

You are making the biggest and best decision in your life in deciding to talk to professionals about what happened to you.

I always had a fear that no one would believe me but I realized much further down the road that was what was drummed into me as a child. Don't tell! And who was that protecting? In keeping quiet those bastards got away with it!
And there is the shame we feel, I know that men feel it is particularly difficult to talk about, but again remember whos shame it really is!

Now, in opening up, although you feel it will be difficult you will truly become free.

[Julianne]

My Guy
I have tissues for you and I would even let you use the shoulder and sleeve of my shirt!! Time to let it out....
You have been one of the strongest male figures in my life and a few tears is never going to change what I think of you!!
I'm here right behind you....... always and forever.
love me

[Fuzzybear]

[50guy]

For all the responses. I went to the doctor on Friday and right away she put me back on the meds I had went off on my own. While I was explaining how I felt the dam of emotions broke and I wept without holding back for a few minutes. She was very professional and kind toward me.I am glad it was a woman doctor, otherwise I would have tried to cover up everything with false bravado. She looked me right in the eyes and said "tell me, are you going to be ok?" I said "I don't know", then she said, "that's the answer I needed to hear" and she faxed the meds over to the pharmacy. I am doing well now, more that I can explain. My wife has changed too, she is amazing, after 35 years I don't know if I can keep up with her energy and intimate desires (lucky me).

I am doing GREAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Thank you all so very, very much for your support. I am indeed a very fortunate man to have you all.

I have an appointment with a therapist in 3 weeks. I am going to put these demons to rest..........forever and get on with living life to the fullest. Again, my thanks to you all

[Sannah]

Guy, I got a little misty reading about your good news! Keep up the good work and remember that we are always here for you!

[seeker1950]

50guy...I think it is very brave of you to deal with this. Glad you have a good therapist also!
I must add here, about the medication: I am trying to wean off Paxil, after taking one form or another of the SSRI's for 17 years now. Last year I decreased, on my own, down from 40 to 20 mg. Now I'm trying to go off, but only succeeding to go from 20 to 10 mg. daily, as going off completely made me dizzy and ill, unable to function. In this effort to decrease, I AM having a lot of flashbacks of past abuse, bad experiences of relationships which I put up with, I think, because the meds allowed me to dismiss unacceptable behavior and treatment. I was also abused as a child, daily...not sexually, but physically and emotionally. With this decrease in meds, I waken frequently during the night, with recollections of the mistakes, the abuse, and the regrets. I know that going back to the prescribed dosage of the Paxil would probably alleviate this, but at the same time, it seems to be time to deal with it. A professional, maybe, but I've had such bad experiences with them in my long past, I'm reluctant to do so. At present, I'm just trying to process it little by little.
Patty

[50guy]

Patty,
I totally understand what you are saying. I am going to therapy for my past abuse. Some of my eariler posts speak of what happened to me.
I am glad for the Zoloft so I can at least focus on my work and my marriage. I will deal with the garbage from the past as it comes. Right now my home life is in good shape and getting better. I don't expect any kind of abuse from any source while I am on the Zoloft. The main thing the doctor wanted to do was to get me focused and it seems to be working.

I read that after going off completely from SSRI's that 6 months later it is real tough and I was nearly 6 months off it. All the crap came back in a rush, plus I have BPB, so I am glad this may get me past this problem.

Have a great evening and good luck to you.

Originally Posted by seeker1950

50guy...I think it is very brave of you to deal with this. Glad you have a good therapist also!
I must add here, about the medication: I am trying to wean off Paxil, after taking one form or another of the SSRI's for 17 years now. Last year I decreased, on my own, down from 40 to 20 mg. Now I'm trying to go off, but only succeeding to go from 20 to 10 mg. daily, as going off completely made me dizzy and ill, unable to function. In this effort to decrease, I AM having a lot of flashbacks of past abuse, bad experiences of relationships which I put up with, I think, because the meds allowed me to dismiss unacceptable behavior and treatment. I was also abused as a child, daily...not sexually, but physically and emotionally. With this decrease in meds, I waken frequently during the night, with recollections of the mistakes, the abuse, and the regrets. I know that going back to the prescribed dosage of the Paxil would probably alleviate this, but at the same time, it seems to be time to deal with it. A professional, maybe, but I've had such bad experiences with them in my long past, I'm reluctant to do so. At present, I'm just trying to process it little by little.
Patty

[lifeblows]

Originally Posted by 50guy

God forgive me...I hate them so much.

I hate sickos who do bad things to little kids. They mess us up for years and years to come and they get to die and we are left to stay on this planet and suffer endlessly. I don't think you need to be forgiven or apologize for your hatred of them. Just wanted to let you know that. You've been tortured enough without having to beat yourself up over feeling anger and hatred toward them. They deserve that and a lot worse. I'm sorry you were abused.

[multipixie9]

Hi I know you don't know me, but I am rooting for you as you get help for the past abuse. Even though I was a girl tears were ridiculed, threatened and beaten out of me. I still have trouble allowing my self to cry, the shame is so strong, but my need is so deep. I would bet money your abusers hurt you then ridiculed you if you cried and then threatened you with horrors if you didn't stop.

they stole from you. tears are our overwhelm release mechanism. tears have less to do with gender than humanity. reclaim your humanity and refuse to stifle your feelings. I cried for the first time in a long time tonight and i hated it, but i am glad i did it for the little 6 year old i was. i wont lie and say i feel good, but i did the healthy, human thing and i know i did something right, no matter how it feels.

end of sermonette, i care.

leslie

[lifeblows]

Originally Posted by multipixie9

Even though I was a girl tears were ridiculed, threatened and beaten out of me. I still have trouble allowing my self to cry, the shame is so strong, but my need is so deep.
leslie

Ditto, even as a girl, tears were not allowed. No expression of emotion was. Crying would just get you beaten and yelled at more. Needless to say, I HATE crying. I too find it incredibly shameful. I've never understood why people find it cathartic or says it makes them feel better. Always makes me feel worse.

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by lifeblows

Ditto, even as a girl, tears were not allowed. No expression of emotion was. Crying would just get you beaten and yelled at more. Needless to say, I HATE crying. I too find it incredibly shameful. I've never understood why people find it cathartic or says it makes them feel better. Always makes me feel worse.

Maybe their messages (incorrect messages) are so ingrained in you that you cannot enjoy the natural release of crying? We have crying for this reason. It is a physiologic release mechanism. Maybe work on detaching that message?????