[(JD)]

Tension
Abuse
Honeymoon period
tension

The abusive person is generally insecure and controlling.
The recipient is often someone who was abused as a child.

Original home of origin dynamics are being replayed in the marriage.

Living with someone before marriage does not help someone find out beforehand, because that love is still a conditional type of love. That can change after marriage.

Duplication and mulitplication of the same set of problems learned from home creates the relationship. Usually, the exact same issues are created, but sometimes the person goes to the extreme on the other end of the spectrum.

Religious abuse is the same abuse of neglect, sexual, physical, emotional etc with the added aspect that "God" told them to do this or that this is what God wants, demands, expects.

[RozG]

this is why i know now i will never marry a 3rd time. i was abused as a child and by 2 husbands and now...i am sadly the one who goes too far to make sure i am not abused again. i know i have no right treating a man the way i would never allow again allow myself to be treated. maybe recognizing that is enough to put it right and maybe not IDK.

but thanx for this post and the food for thought contained within it Sky.

I would add one thing Sky....

sometimes there is absolutely NO.. honeymoon period.. just abuse, abuse, abuse, abuse,abuse, abuse, abuse

[Kiya]

Originally Posted by _Sky

Tension
Abuse
Honeymoon period
tension

The abusive person is generally insecure and controlling.
The recipient is often someone who was abused as a child.
Original home of origin dynamics are being replayed in the marriage.

Thus, I am still single.

[Lenny]

[quote=_Sky;815944]Tension
Living with someone before marriage does not help someone find out beforehand, because that love is still a conditional type of love. That can change after marriage.

/quote]

A good post Sky and I see cycled behavior in many human dynamics including abuse.

I do, however, differ a bit with the above quote.

Here is SC, statistically, 72% of all child abuse is committed by a live in SO. Here in Charleston last week we had a young man kick a 3 year old in the head for tipping over his beer. The poor lad died. His mother was out drinking untill 1:30 am and went to bed immediately upon coming home and didn't discover the bleeding child until morning...

My point is that whatever conditions are miraculously created by a ceremony,,it is the ultimate cohabitation with uncontolled rage that abuses people. The above statistics demonstrate that this rage is not in any way dependent upon the condition of marriage.

With respect,

Lenny

[pattyannee]

Originally Posted by _Sky

Tension
Abuse
Honeymoon period
tension

The abusive person is generally insecure and controlling.
The recipient is often someone who was abused as a child.

Original home of origin dynamics are being replayed in the marriage.

Living with someone before marriage does not help someone find out beforehand, because that love is still a conditional type of love. That can change after marriage.

Duplication and mulitplication of the same set of problems learned from home creates the relationship. Usually, the exact same issues are created, but sometimes the person goes to the extreme on the other end of the spectrum.

Religious abuse is the same abuse of neglect, sexual, physical, emotional etc with the added aspect that "God" told them to do this or that this is what God wants, demands, expects.

this describes so much of my life, its shocking. its hard to know how to break this cycle. Its not always bad but the bad is soo horrible. Somethimes I think its just me.

[(JD)]

Anyone who is in an abusive relationship needs the first bit of advice: leave it.

There are organizations that specialize in helping people be safe in this process of leaving an abusive person. For women, one is Women in Distress. Look them up in your city, and call for advice before doing anything. They are experts. There are so many things that you can do to make this safe, and not destroy all you need to have (such as your own good credit) for a good life.

However, staying in any relationship when it isn't immediately safe isn't advised, no matter where you are in your plans. That's a key element: have an emergency plan for yourself, and any children you have. Another item might be an explanation written out, the situation and whom it involves, and maybe whom you will contact should you disappear. Put that item in an envelope and maybe give it to your MD to place into your health file.

Professionals that are in tune to the plight of the abused pretty much agree, nothing another person says or does after they abuse you is worth staying for: leave! The very first time the person's abusive: leave. Then seek professional help for yourself, and together if you wish to see if it's workable, and to see if the other person can change.

Usually it's pretty far into an abusive relationship before someone realizes it's going to kill them, and they have to get out even if that kills them. There are plenty of people who would love to help them (you?) but in their ignorance, they may put your life into greater jeopardy.
Use expert resources. If you go online, be sure to clear the cache, and the history of the sites you visit, so there's no trail. If you go to the library, don't check any books out, read them there. OR see if a friend will let you use their card, but having any such books around the house is not a safe thing. Some abusive people become totally outraged when they suspect their victim is going to escape.

Abuse is not your own fault. Never. Nothing anyone can do warrants abusive behavior by another person. This is a problem the other person isn't dealing with nor handling, and generally they are incapable of changing, once it's reached this level. (If it's possible, that isn't for you to decide, that's up to a doctor. Meanwhile, you live someplace else, out of reach, and safe.)

Please be safe!

[Kiya]

(((((Pattyanne)))))) I do hope you can get out (or are thinking about getting out). I also hope your partner doesn't read your computer or have access to any knowledge. Remember, too, that children all too often get used as collateral... work with the experts to get help that will keep everyone safe.
Kiya

[RHONDA FRANKS]

Originally Posted by _Sky

Tension
Abuse
Honeymoon period
tension

The abusive person is generally insecure and controlling.
The recipient is often someone who was abused as a child.

Original home of origin dynamics are being replayed in the marriage.

Living with someone before marriage does not help someone find out beforehand, because that love is still a conditional type of love. That can change after marriage.

Duplication and mulitplication of the same set of problems learned from home creates the relationship. Usually, the exact same issues are created, but sometimes the person goes to the extreme on the other end of the spectrum.

Religious abuse is the same abuse of neglect, sexual, physical, emotional etc with the added aspect that "God" told them to do this or that this is what God wants, demands, expects.

Look's like you know a lot about abuse.
I would ask you a question of, "Why are you still married to him"? However, I've been there. I was that woman for 9 years. Then we had children and he just hit them too. He mentally and verbally attacked all of us. Until my loving husband now of 1 year saved us. Well, he helped we were willing to help ourselves as well.

Good luck

[(JD)]

Hi! Nah, not married. I am a retired professional sharing information here.

But yes, others are sharing in this forum of their abuse, and you are quite correct they need to leave it.

I'm glad you escaped.

[Justgiving]

Whatever feelings you are dealing with when in an abusive relationship ( scare, guilt, ashame, ect) please never never forget this sentence:

Some abusive people become totally outraged when they suspect their victim is going to escape.

Please be safe and be careful.

[sunrise]

Originally Posted by _Sky

Original home of origin dynamics are being replayed in the marriage.

Yes. My therapist has told me that, as adults, people often choose relationships with similar dynamics to their "home of origin" dynamics. (It feels familiar, for one thing.) He offered that this adult choice is often an unconscious attempt to deal with the home of origin relationship, because we haven't resolved it yet. As children, we couldn't say "no." As adults, we have a chance to say "no" to heal both our current and past wounds. I feel very good that in middle age I am finally standing up for myself and saying "no" to this type of relationship. It is helping me with abuse from the past. I don't think I will ever choose this type of relationship again.

Sky, I found your comments about "religious abuse" very interesting. I have never heard of that before. My (ex-)H was always very denigrating about religion to me. He is a very outspoken atheist who doesn't just advocate for his own beliefs but wants to always put down and mock the beliefs of others that contradict his own. Would you consider this to be a form of "religious abuse"?

[(JD)]

I think anytime someone uses personal information against you, it can be a form of abuse. When they focus on something that means so much to you, such as a belief in God, to demean and control you, yes it is abusive.

My original post on this was more along the lines of someone using their belief in God to control you. But when someone uses any "supernatural" power -implied or otherwise- to berate and overthrow your own power (or belief) that is a type of religious abuse, yes.

Sometimes this "supernatural" understanding that they think they have is due to a disorder; often it's just another tool they use to manipulate. They study people, their very existence demands that they be good at their "trade." They know just what buttons to push to condescend you into a belief that you deserve "no better."

I was told.. and I found it to be true... that the most dangerous time for a woman.. leaving an abusive partner.. is as she makes.. her escape.. the.. time before as she plans.. and.. the time right after...

It took me about 8 months to make my plan.. to escape... a long time... and it was scary... a time before computers... and before shelters.. the area I lived in was too poor to have shelters back then...

I stayed.. with a friend's friend... so that my husband could not track me... he did not know of the friend's friend....

Years after... a co-worker came to be.. she was a manager of a large group of people.. and.. she shared with me.. that her husband.. slept.. with a loaded shotgun.. in their bed.. because he was afraid.. she was leaving him.. and he was prepared...and she was terrified...to lay there.. with the shotgun... unbelievable..and she... was so shamed... too shamed to seek help... so.. she told me...

She.. too was pregnant.. when leaving.... and.. by that time there were shelters..

I would say to anyone.. leaving an abusive spouse.. "think the unthinkable"... do not met them.. do "discuss the situation"... find a safe spot.. and... just... stay away....

I agree .....never meet them alone once you have left thats it....You have to keep yourself safe.....
Years ago ((and boy do I dislike even thinking about it))))
will make it short...as I do not talk about it much...
I was shot at..person tryed to run me over...hit me..mental abuse...and thats enough said ........
I did walk away...luckly with my life......
I was blessed many ppl are not....
You never go back either....
If you are being abused and can not leave seek help....
Do not stay in the kind of enviroment...
You are worth so much more...
And it is not your fault...
((you matter who ever reads this)))))))))))))))))
muffy

[Justgiving]

(((((((((((Muffy))))))))))))))))

((((((((All the people who have escaped)))))))))))))

(((((((((All of you who are still in an abusive relationship)))))))))

Bless you all.

[(JD)]

Yes, you must have a plan. It's guaranteed that they do.