[xylia]

I feel so dead inside... so empty and uncared for.

I have been having real anxiety problems at school, and I've missed a lot of classes. I'm now going to another school, a program for people who can't handle the school system on account of mental health problems.

My mom... constantly reminding me how she bends over backwards for me, and how I'm so ungrateful... wants to know everything about my life... how I'm slipping back into anorexia [I've eaten 300 calories today... and that breakfast and lunch]... she is so emotional all the time... I don't get it. She acts like a girl... and I never wanted to be a girl... never wanted to be weak...

And my father asks "are you having your period"... like that explains anything. He ignores me lately... but I don't really care... because I didn't want to have feelings anyway. Feelings only hurt me... memories hurt me... I don't know what to think. The nightmares have stopped, only to be replaced with flashes of memory that I don't understand.

I JUST WANT THE PAIN AND CONFUSION TO STOP.

I want to stop putting on my mask of content and be who I am...

But I'm dead inside.

[reddevil]

Being a girl does not mean that you are, or have to be weak. Physically, yes, we are weaker than guys because we don't have their testosterone, but otherwise we can be just as strong.

Remember that your mum (seems at least) to be trying to care for you, even if it's not in the best way ever.

(((((((((((xylia))))))))))))

[xylia]

I know that she cares... it's one of the most important lessons I've learned lately.

I still feel the way I do though... Whats wrong with me? My abuse isn't even real, it's all in my head, it's all just a false memory, I'm sure of it. But even if it isn't real... it still hurts me. Why and how can it do that when it's not real?

[reddevil]

Maybe it was real. What makes you so sure it wasn't?

I think it's hard to help someone as best you can, but it doesn't work.. so the person ends up not seeming grateful. That doesn't mean she should act like that though..

Your parents seem a lot like mine.. and I think we both use a 'mask' to get us through the day, which is sucky thing to have to do.

[Sannah]

Xylia, if you are feeling the way you are something didn't go right for you in your development. It sounds like your mom struggles to be a parent (your dad probably does too). She must have her own issues that she has never overcome. There is a problem with being too close to others too. It crosses the line when it is suffocating and you don't allow others space to be themselves. This is a personal boundary problem.

From what I have seen with eating disorders it appears that control is the issue. ED brings some control to a world that seems so out of control. The things that seem to be most out of control are feelings. No one can control feelings. They just need to be expressed and dealt with.

Hopefully one day you will come to appreciate being a female. There are so many things I love about it.

Please be who you are.....