[Toller]

<--- That's me

For the past several weeks I have been feeling total anger and hatred. Part of it towards my abusers but mostly to others in a slightly different setting. I had a vivid dream this morning as I woke up with the intense feeling of hate which remained for about an hour after I had woke. It's something which plays on my mind constantly, a lot of it through frustration because no matter what I try I always fail and if I think I am getting somewhere I just fall down and fall harder each time. I've been feeling angry with my therapist as well. The last time we spoke she said I sounded angry and to find a quiet calm place but I don't have any such place. Then we went onto another discussion in therapy that we have had several times which I do not like her bringing up as it only makes me even more angry and helpless. I don't know what she expects me to do. It can't be turned off like a tap and any small thing can start it. I sometimes feel like shouting and screaming at her. I never have, has anyone here done that?

[Capp]

Originally Posted by Toller

<--- That's me

For the past several weeks I have been feeling total anger and hatred. Part of it towards my abusers but mostly to others in a slightly different setting. I had a vivid dream this morning as I woke up with the intense feeling of hate which remained for about an hour after I had woke. It's something which plays on my mind constantly, a lot of it through frustration because no matter what I try I always fail and if I think I am getting somewhere I just fall down and fall harder each time. I've been feeling angry with my therapist as well. The last time we spoke she said I sounded angry and to find a quiet calm place but I don't have any such place. Then we went onto another discussion in therapy that we have had several times which I do not like her bringing up as it only makes me even more angry and helpless. I don't know what she expects me to do. It can't be turned off like a tap and any small thing can start it. I sometimes feel like shouting and screaming at her. I never have, has anyone here done that?

Toller, hi...

Anger/rage was a biggie for me when I started therapy. Once I was over the fear about talking about it, the anger surfaced with a vengeance.
Anger in my family of origin almost always meant rage/violence. Feeling angry drained me and scared the bejubbies out of me.
It was directed at myself, my family, my abusers--anyone I thought was using me in any way.

Yes, there were times when I wanted to shout at Scott, my therapist. In some ways, I felt safer being angry with him than with anyone else.
Jme, but it turned out to be healthy for me. I was no longer suppressing difficult feelings--the start of hard work in my therapy. To me it also meant I finally trusted him enough to be honest with him.

Thank you for sharing with us. Please keep posting and let us know how you are doing, ok?

Peace,
Cap

[Pomegranate]

Toller

I agree with what Capp said. Keep talking to your therapist about your angry feelings. If you feel like you are going to "get out of control" and start shouting, I would tell your T that's how you are feeling. Maybe she will be able to help you find a "calm place" to gather yourself when the anger overwhelms you, you could even suggest to her that you need help finding it. Also I'd tell her that it makes you angry when she goes back to some topic that just makes you angry again, or angrier. That might lead to a discussion of why that happens. Could be enlightening. Or could be a signal you aren't ready to talk about that particular topic yet.

All I know for sure is the only way through any feeling, including anger, is to feel it, own it, go through it. At least that's how it works for me. There's no around it, no avoiding it, anger especially will come out one way or another. So keep talking to your T and maybe give yourself persmission to just be angry for some time. It's part of the healing process.

Also don't worry about what your T "expects you to do" or be. You be who you are. You say what you really think and feel. That will ultimately be more productive for YOU. You aren't there to please your T or make her happy or comfortable.

I hate dealing with anger.

[letgo]

Originally Posted by Toller

<--- That's me

For the past several weeks I have been feeling total anger and hatred. Part of it towards my abusers but mostly to others in a slightly different setting. I had a vivid dream this morning as I woke up with the intense feeling of hate which remained for about an hour after I had woke. It's something which plays on my mind constantly, a lot of it through frustration because no matter what I try I always fail and if I think I am getting somewhere I just fall down and fall harder each time. I've been feeling angry with my therapist as well. The last time we spoke she said I sounded angry and to find a quiet calm place but I don't have any such place. Then we went onto another discussion in therapy that we have had several times which I do not like her bringing up as it only makes me even more angry and helpless. I don't know what she expects me to do. It can't be turned off like a tap and any small thing can start it. I sometimes feel like shouting and screaming at her. I never have, has anyone here done that?

I can relate to feeling an extreme amount of hate and frustration. I want to scream and cry and hurt him because he hurts me and makes me feel so bad all the time. Nothing I do please the sob. I can't even dress myself to please him. When I comb my hair he always threatens to shave my head because he doesn't like it. Why won't he die and stop my pain. I hate him so much and I hate my life with him. I try to make myself feel better but it's very hard to do. Things are very bad for me when I'm with him but when I'm away then the sob calls me all day long. There is no escape. How much longer will he live before I'm free from the abuse?