[vienna]

Hi,

I am new to this forum - thanks for having me.

I recently started therapy for something having to do with my dad's alcoholism. There was a particularly bad episode with my dad, and it hit me hard, in a way that it never has before.

This is not the first time I have tried therapy, but it is the first time I have ever really been able to talk about anything. The T seems easy enough to talk to. Next week will be visit #7.

T asked me about abuse during the third week, and I lied and told him no. I had decided I wasn't willing to have that discussion. But then I felt horrible for lying, and told him I had lied the following week. That turned out to be a difficult admission for me, because I haven't really talked about it with anyone before, and now I feel like I have to.

T asked me to set some goals for the therapy. I set three goals. When I look at all three, I can see how the abuse issue is probably behind all three to some extent. Maybe it is time to do something about it...

T told me I need to feel in control of the therapy and I will talk about whatever I need to talk about when I am ready. This sounds nice in theory, but I wonder how I will know when I am ready? I do not trust easily. I am paranoid about wasting my time and his time. Part of me thinks I may never be ready (I am in my 30s and have not been ready yet.) Part of me thinks in as much as I am paying this guy I should just lay it out there and deal already. I don't think I will know how to trust, and I don't think I understand how to pace myself, and it makes me quite nervous about the whole thing.

If anyone has any thoughts on this they could share I would really appreciate it.

Thanks.

[ECHOES]

I admire your honesty in telling T that you had evaded a topic you aren't ready for, and for his response that you will tell him more when you are ready.

Pacing is personal. It's about what you need and want, so it's personal. I like a slow pace and that's fine with my T. Even though I like it, I found it hard to do at first and hard to feel comfortable with. Like you I worried about wasting T's time. I think most of us have feelings of unworthiness that make us have the wasting time thought at some point.
Mabye you won't be ready for a very long time and that's okay.
Like you, my T know about something but it isn't anything I've felt I can talk more about yet and I have no idea when I will be able to. I have been in therapy for 1 year and 7 months. Not my first time in therapy either, I have been in and out for over 10 years, but this time I found someone just right for me.

Still, it takes time for trust to build, for the T to earn it. It takes some time just being there, for T to get to know you more, for therapy to become a routine part of your life.

Recently I had a very uncommunicative session and I've had other sessions like that here and there. T said the best thing she could have, that I may need to do that for a while, for a long time. It's what I need at the moment. That's where I was at the moment.

I wonder if you feel that since you have presented to T to 'hold on to' until you are ready to say more, there is a pressure to talk about it, as if T expects that of you even though he has acknowledged that he isn't pressuring you and that you will be able to talk about it when you are able to, and that's okay.

It's good to have you here at PC and I hope you visit the psychotherapy forum too. There is a lot of sharing and support about therapy there.