sad and hurting

pattyannee · Oct 07, 2008, 12:31 AM

Its so hard to know when its ok to talk. What is ok to say. I feel so angry, hurt, sad, guilty, lost, and no matter how much I want to say something I just can't seem too.

Every time I get this way I know I failed one more time. Failed to heal, to forgive, to get past it. And I failed to be ok!

MINIME · Oct 07, 2008, 12:55 AM

I heard you you said something. You reached out. thats not failing thats winning.

Sannah · Oct 07, 2008, 09:34 AM

Hi Patty, I agree with Mini, you are reaching out now! I am sorry that you feel so silenced. I do know what that feels like. Getting empowered helped me.... This also reminds me of when I had to learn what was normal, what are the social norms for this stuff, what social skills did I need to learn... You are not failing, you are just afraid to start.... It's okay...

blameme · Oct 07, 2008, 10:08 AM

As Sannah's quote says there isn't any failure's, just learning experiences. You have to learn what to say as well as how and when to say it. It's all about trial and error. Remember everything worth doing takes a lot of hard work and a lot of practice. YOU WILL GET THERE!!

Typo · Oct 07, 2008, 11:28 PM

(((((((((Pattyannee))))))))

pattyannee · Oct 12, 2008, 01:58 AM

My past abuse is effecting the relationship I'm currently in. I feel scared during the night and if he touches me when I'm asleep, (even just an arm over me) I freak out. He don't understand and takes it personaly. Even if I do not realize I ever said or did anything. Its usualy only in my sleep but sometimes I wake myself up screaming.

Things with my husband have not been good most of our 17 years together anyway, but how do I explain what is going on. He is so angry sometimes I feel like I did something wrong. He knows about my past but its all about him anyway. He does not care to know how I feel or what I'm going thru.

I feel so alone!

Fuzzybear · Oct 12, 2008, 02:02 AM

((((((((((((((( pattyannee ))))))))))))))))

silentandscared · Oct 12, 2008, 04:39 AM

(((((((((((((((((patty)))))))))))))))))

hi patty
so sorrythings are so bad right now for you.
sleep is hard and so is understnading from those that we loveand hold dear. i understand what you say its all about him l too experienced the same reaction.
dont be silenced it will come in time and you will llearn when and how to say
dont force it though it will come and each new moment will be tiny tiny steps at your pace walking along slowly and allowing yourself to heal slowly along the way.
sorry for rambling but if you want or need to talk know that l am here, l will not judge you , l will not hurt you, l will be here to listen and care
be kind to yourself and remember that this is a step to reach out for the things that you need
mmandyxxx pm if you want to

its ok to talk dont be silenced it hurts too much release it and begin to heal

safe hugs

patty if you need themxxxx

Oct 12, 2008, 06:35 AM

(((((((((((((((((((((pattyanee))))))))))))))))))))))))))

((((((((((((((((((sas))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

things DO get better, wishing you both a peaceful day .... please know I care ..... love Jinny xoxoxoxoxoxo

bebop · Oct 12, 2008, 03:36 PM

((((patty)))))

Sannah · Oct 13, 2008, 08:12 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by pattyannee

how do I explain what is going on. He is so angry sometimes I feel like I did something wrong. He knows about my past but its all about him anyway. He does not care to know how I feel or what I'm going thru.

I feel so alone!

Patty sometimes we don't realize how we contribute to these types of things in our relationships. I have my own history of not speaking up and then wondering why he can't read my mind and know my needs (like I knew my needs at that time anyway - another issue!). Fear is probably holding you back but probably also just not knowing any other way. I would suggest challenging yourself and first identify what might be holding you back and then you can work through these and have a clearer head.

Why is he angry?

pattyannee · Oct 14, 2008, 09:34 PM

trigger warning...

HTML]Why is he angry?[[/HTML]

This is such a hard thing to really talk about but here goes. My husband has an ownership personality. I often wake up to him touching me or trying to have sex with me, even when he knows I'm asleep.

I've asked him to ask me first, out of respect but he says he shouldn't have too because I'm his wife. I feel rather used and trapped sometimes. Like I don't matter anyway.

Sannah · Oct 15, 2008, 11:17 AM

Patty, I am so sorry, you have every right to feel that way. What do you think needs to be done about this?

pattyannee · Oct 15, 2008, 08:41 PM

i donno what to do.

Sannah · Oct 16, 2008, 07:24 AM

You know your situation better than anyone. What have you done so far?

pattyannee · Oct 16, 2008, 10:06 PM

I've contacted an Army Recruter and am going to talk with him saterday. If all goes as planned I will be in basic training no later than January and off to think about things.
Drastic.... Yup!

Sannah · Oct 17, 2008, 08:18 AM

Please don't lose sight of the need to heal. There are all sorts of things for you to focus on like learning how to protect yourself from others and to see the little signs that someone isn't healthy and you should not be around them. I am sure that you can look back at your history with your husband and remember all the red flags from the beginning. Everytime that he disrespected you and violated your rights and boundaries. Listen to your gut and act on it. Another thing I'll bet that you could focus on is meeting YOUR needs and not always just the needs of others. These things can be learned. You have to focus and pay attention to yourself and how you feel and what is happening between yourself and others.

I know that you want to use this opportunity to get away from your husband but the flip side to consider is that you could be sent to a war zone and if you aren't emotionally healthy going in you are a prime candidate for combat PTSD.

pattyannee · Oct 18, 2008, 10:29 AM

thank you all for your comments. I'm not signing any papers with the recruter yet. Only talking, and the desition has not been completely made yet. I will do this with my eyes wide open, and consider other options as well.
Its just every time I leave he finds me and plays head games and constantly badgers me until I return. He can't fallow me if I am in the army. Not so easily anyway.
But I'm going to waigh my options.

Sannah · Oct 18, 2008, 12:11 PM

Have you ever worked with a Spouse Abuse Shelter? You say he plays head games and badgers you. If you are getting support you will be stronger to resist. Have you considered therapy?

pattyannee · Oct 18, 2008, 04:27 PM

I will look into the Women's shelter option monday. I do know the have a group there that might help. I have gone to a few sessions there, but its been years sence I last went.

I seen the recruter today and have desided to go researves. It will give me money for college to better my life. I have desided not to use the Army to leave, but to use it as a tool to better myself. It has been a life long dream I put on the back burner to raise my family.