From the bottom of my mountain was darkness. It overshadowed my being, my all.... I remember the feeling as I took the first step. So far ... thelosepebbles shifted beneath my feet ... I slipped back as soon as I had started.... I cried then .... I couldn't do this not in a million years.... It was too steep, too slippery and too dark ... I had no light you see .... I felt alone, scared, the demons followed me wherever I looked, went, the noise in my head were full of their cries ..... How could I even attempt this mountain with the baggage I held ..... Once again I took a step forward .... this time the earth stayed put .... I took another ...... so heavy was my load, so noisy was my head .... a few more steps, some pebbles shifted. I rested a while .... there was something I had to do, something for myself to help me on this journey .... so, when the noises where loudest and the ground at it's most dangerous, I looked within and found a safe place ....

My safe place was a garden ... with a high wall around it, inpenetrable ...
The grass was soft and the greenest I had seen,the sound of a fountain bubbled in the background along with birds and butterfly wings ... The scent of rose, mint and lavender wafted on a light breeze, ruffling my hair and cooling my face and, often drying my tears ..... The trees grew fruit, oranges, apples, lemons, pears ... the sun always warmed me. I liked to think my friends were there too ... and lots of them were. ... they sat with me, talked to me, hugged me .....

Now I had my aid, staff, crutch, whatever it was .... my garden .... Every day I would climb a little more .... sometimes I would stop to write .... about this adventure ... poems, stories, songs ..... each time I wrote, my load became a little lighter, sometimes even the noises stopped. My garden helped, along with my friends ..... Some days there were storms ... so bad and so dark, on these days I would cry so hard, there was no going up on those days .... I noticed one day as I stopped crying the sun came out ... was that the day a light went on inside of me? dont know ...
This light helped me ... this new light, from within, shone and led the way ... it scared away the worst of my demons ... the load was becoming lighter, the sun shone more as the weeks passed, enabling me to clim higher. If i stumbled, if hope was lost, the storms would return ... and they did many times, but as soon as the light twinkled, the sun shone and I made my way upwards.....

Along my way I met past dreams, nightmares, emotions. I also met strength. This strength had been inside of me ever since I was a child ... you see I had to have this strength to endure what was put in my way .... it had just been buried that's all. I remember digging and digging and finding it ... there it was! It had been there all the time .... inside, just like my light. It had been buried and covered over with pain, hurt, confusion, along with mistrust, anger, disillusion. I pulled it out, left it where I could see it and tried to bury the bad emotions .... but they appeared like weeds .... so they are to be pulled one by one on this journey ..... not good to bury them ..... instead I laid seeds of hope and love and good memories ... so they would bloom should I fall a little way back.

Somewhere along the way I decided to bury my mask .... I laid it to rest with people who have let me down .... that was a hard thing, but, with friends, I managed it .... all of a sudden the load from my back was so much lighter ..... my heart is still heavy with grief i lots of ways ... but I know those decisions are a way of making me healthier, lighter to carry on my journey....

I am half way up my mountain ..... As I look back I can smile. The flowers are growing where demons once played.... As I look up I smile too .... it is a lighter, warmer, happier place.

I forgot to mention, I have a very long rope with me ..... I'll throw it down

so that you too can make this journey ....

Love, strength and hope, Jinny xoxoxoxoxoxo

[Sannah]

Jinny, this is so beautiful and what a wonderful way to describe this journey. Thank you!

[MINIME]

jinny u so rock,

[BlueFaith]

(((( jinny )))) That's just beautiful. Thank you for sharing this.