[DianneIsCool]

Alright so when I was 12 I was sexually abused.
I'm not really sure how else to label it? It could be rape because he held my arms behind my back, and I tried to scream. Or it could just be molestation because he didn't penetrate. Either way we were watching Rocky Horror Picture Show and then he started tickling me. Actually I'm not even sure if we watched it that night or if it was a couple nights before, I just know there was a movie that night too. Anyway, so he was tickling me and then picked me up and kind of threw me over his shoulder. I was having fun, as any 12 year old would have. It was kind of like hanging out with an uncle figure. He walked over to the couch with me over his shoulder, and he sat down and laid me down like over his lap. He held my hands behind my back and I believe he held my legs down, or maybe I was so shocked that it was happening I didn't have control over my legs. He then put his hands down my pajama pants, and started rubbing. I didn't pay attention to it just because I knew lots of sexual abuse victims end up screwed up and being nymphos because they liked it and have to deal with those feelings, so I shut it out in fear, I remember shutting it out very well. I remember mostly a rush of emotions and thoughts and I didn't know what to do. I was kind of afraid he might like...go to the kitchen and grab a knife to kill me. There wasn't a logical reason for that, but I didn't know what to do or expect! I screamed...ok more like yelled "GET YOUR HANDS OUT OF MY PANTS" but not too loudly because I didn't want him to kill me because I had screamed!!!! Then I was able to break my arm free and scratch him, and I only got him off me because I had convinced him I had hurt him pretty badly and that he should go in the bathroom and wash up, even though it didn't even leave that big of a scratch. He left and went to the bathroom and I got SOOOO angry. My anger figuratively filled the room so thick that time just kind of stood still. I sat down and watched The Cosby Show and then he came out of the bathroom. He kind of sat there on the couch and I laid down by the TV coloring or something like that. It was the most humiliating, terrifying, strange experience I had ever had.

Now I'm trying so hard to figure myself out. Trying to figure myself out because...I finally have a boyfriend, and it makes me feel dirty. I'm also tired of being a *****. See I would get really really rabid when people would talk about sex, drugs or alcohol. I don't understand how I ended up with stigmas about drugs and alcohol, which makes me think maybe I had been abused before this event and I just don't remember, and that that abuse like...included drugs and alcohol? I feel like the sex drugs and alcohol stigmas are connected. You guys have no IDEA how much rage I would feel, and sometimes it's not even rage but just total disgust to the point where I want to cry. I remember one Christmas completely alienating my sister because I found out she would do pot every once in a while, even though she was getting good grades in school, was doing well at work, and was in a stable relationship. I didn't even care rather or not she was being safe I just wanted her to feel really ****ing dirty about waht she'd done!!! I felt like "how dare you?"

Yeah so my basic question is, have I been abused before that event? Would what happened be enough to constitute the amount of emotional pain I'm dealing with now when people talk about sex drugs or alcohol?

[multipixie9]

dianne,

feelings just are what they are. whether or not you were abused more than you remember your feelings are valid. one time or many times you were sexually abused and it scared you, hurt you, shamed you and made you very very angry. he was wrong to do what he did to you.

do you have a therapist or someone trustworthy to talk things over with? it is hard to deal with stuff like this without someone to help.

if there is more to your story, in time you will remember it. don't push yourself to remember more and in your own time and way you will know. what did happen was totally wrong and sick. he did something very wrong to you and i'm sorry that it happened.

i've been there too. you deserved to be safe and protected and it was wrong that you were not kept safe as a child.

[Sannah]

Dianne, was he drinking or doing drugs before this incident or did you know that he did these things?

[DianneIsCool]

No, as far as I could tell he was totally sober at the time. I did see him drink once but only once, he wasn't like an alcoholic or anything, and he never admitted to doing drugs if he did.