[greenidentity]

I would like to share my personal story of sexual abuse, if I may.

I was sexually abused by my dad at a young age. The earliest memories I have are around age 9. I can only remember a handful of times consciously. It was touching. He also did this to my sister.

I can specifically remember when it all boiled over. I was 14, and at a friends house mis-behaving as usual. However, on this day, I was quiet and removed from my friends, as something had "triggered" me earlier that day. My mom was out of town, and my dad (them having been divorced since I was 4) was over watching the house. The previous night, I had a friend sleep over. We went out to a teen dance. I awoke the next day with a very sore neck, from all my head-banging the night before (lol!) I woke up, and walked out into the living room, where my dad was watching TV. We said hello, and I complained about my neck hurting. He said something like "here let me rub it for you" which he started to do. I immediately became severely uncomfortable, and used my pet dog as a distraction to move away from him. My friend and I went on with our weekend-day.

I remember that entire day. I could not stop thinking about what I had suffered at the hands of my dad. I was extremely conflicted and distracted. I had to get it out. I was suffering. So, I wrote on a napkin what happened, and passed it to my friend. She wrote back, saying it was serious, and I needed to see a school counselor about it on Monday.

So I did. I told.

My dad ended up having to go to jail on work release for months, years of therapy and mandatory AA (chemicals always an issue in my family.) We also had joint sessions after awhile, and I was not to have contact with him on my own at all (i would ocassionally break that rule and call him because I missed him. He told me I was breaking the law by calling him....he sounded conflicted.)

How did I feel? Guilty. Not for what happened, but for TELLING on him. I loved my dad. I felt bad for him. I knew he had a disease. I knew he needed help, somewhere in my 14 year old soul.

And he did it. He did everything asked of him successfully. We had an amends session, where we had to write out what happened, and how we felt e.t.c. We did so successfully, and went on with our lives.

My points to this thread are varied. First off, I neevr felt "victimized" by my father. at the worst, I felt betrayed at some points. Mostly though, I felt sadness and empathy for him. I know this is not the normal way to react.

I had a good relationship with my dad until he died 4 years ago. It was sort of parent-child (me and my sis were his caretakers...he was ill and elderly.) but that was ok with me. He needed us, he had no one else. I don't/didn't feel any conscious anger towards him. If anything, I miss him more now, and have trouble coping with the fact he is gone.

However, I have been plagued with terrible self esteem and moderate chemical issues throughout my life. I wonder if I need to re-visit my abuse, and consider if it needs some attention.

So, is it true we are forever "victims" of abuse? is it possible to make peace (as I thought I had) with terrible things that happened to us? Or are we sometimes just fooling ourselves?

Please share your stories, or experiences, or give advice.

Thank you

[Sannah]

Hi Green, welcome. Wow, the system actually worked. That's amazing. As for your question, I would assume that the abuse affected your development which affected your self esteem. This can be fixed.

When your dad was abusing you he made the choice that his needs would take precedence over your needs. This hurts. The message that it sends is that you aren't that valuable. The message is if you were valuable to him your needs would be important. I am sure that there are other feelings that occur when this happens too that would lead you to feel that you aren't valuable.

Of course you weren't abused because you weren't valuable. You were abused because your dad had issues and he didn't deal with them properly, until he was exposed.

As for the substance abuse, many people abuse substances to drown out their feelings. Many people can stop abusing once they start dealing with their feelings.

So are you considering therapy?

[ashsoccergirl]

I just thought id share my story with you to show you that your not alon. I too cared about my brother but i didnt know what to feel after it happened. Plus i wasnt really mad at him, i was mad at myself so that made it worse. You only stay a victim if you choose to.You can become a survivor by getting help.it hurts to get help and ask for help, especially in my case but everyone says that is the only way. So heres my story.
I am 15 years old and my brother is 19 years old. He was the last person that i ever believed would hurt me but i was wrong. when i was 8 he started molesting me and it never stopped. when i was 13 a teacher found out and there was an investigation. my mom didnt believe me and turned everyone against me. soon after, the investigation was closed and nothing happened. and he kept molesting me. a year later i had this teacher that i became real close with. she became like a mother to me and i became like another daughter to her. with her and her family i finally felt safe and happy. shes the first person i trusted since the abuse started and i felt like i could talk to her about anything. so one day i told her what happened to me. after i told her i was in tears and she just huged me and wiped away my tears and said everything was gunna be ok. there was another investigation and she was with me every step of the way. i ended up testifying for the grand jury but nothing happened after that but the investigation closing. my mom later made me and her cut all contact but atleast i had some relief for a liitle bit of time when i was with her. he then continued molesting me and someone found out but i refused to say anything because i knew nothing would happen. it hasnt happened in a while and im happy but i know its only a matter of time. i now have a phsychiatrist and an in home counselor but no matter how much i want to say something nothing comes out. the only way i could ever tell what happened to me was through wrighting but with my teacher i actually talked to her about what happened. this all has left me ashamed, afraid mad and confused. i hate him for what he did to me but at the same time i blame myself for not trying harder or stopping him. i dont know what to do anymore! i cant take waking up everyday and having to see him enjoying life. i awake everynight with nightmares of him, i cant focus now, i often have thoughts of hurting myself or someone else and my skin is constantly crawling all because of him. what am i supposed to do now? my life is over but i can never seem to end it. i hate asking for help because that makes me weak and i cant even kill myself because im a coward.

[greenidentity]

Originally Posted by Sannah

Hi Green, welcome. Wow, the system actually worked. That's amazing. As for your question, I would assume that the abuse affected your development which affected your self esteem. This can be fixed.

When your dad was abusing you he made the choice that his needs would take precedence over your needs. This hurts. The message that it sends is that you aren't that valuable. The message is if you were valuable to him your needs would be important. I am sure that there are other feelings that occur when this happens too that would lead you to feel that you aren't valuable.

Of course you weren't abused because you weren't valuable. You were abused because your dad had issues and he didn't deal with them properly, until he was exposed.

As for the substance abuse, many people abuse substances to drown out their feelings. Many people can stop abusing once they start dealing with their feelings.

So are you considering therapy?

Thank you Sannah! I appreciate your response.

I have been in therapy for years, on and off. I havent been able to find anyone that I like enough to stay with consistently for a few years. My current terapist attributes ALL my problems to my ADHD (which I think is just a small part of my problems) and I'm not sure if she is really tuning into me.

I'm also concerned, because I'm suspecting I have intimacy issues due to this. But I can't be sure if this is just a phase, because I'm usually very healthy with expressing my emotions in a straighforward way.

I want to find group therapy, but it seems impossible. I was searching for that, and that's how I found this forum.

[pachyderm]

I think one of the things that makes it harder is the reaction of society and all your friends to something like this. There is no clear resolution of your difficulties. No one seems to see a clear path to a solution. On the contrary, they invent all kinds of things to obfuscate the matter. Abusers are people too, and if one has any empathy with them, as seems natural, you are out in left field as far as the standard judgements are concerned. One has to pretty much solve the problem by oneself. Or so it seems to me.

[darkrunner]

Originally Posted by greenidentity

How did I feel? Guilty. Not for what happened, but for TELLING on him. I loved my dad. I felt bad for him.

(((((((((((((((((((green identity)))))))))))))))))))))))))))
sending lots of safe hugs, if you want them.
I'm sorry for what you went through.
You were victimized, and I can totally relate to your feeling guilty for telling on him. I felt the same thing when I turned in my abuser. I learned I had developed a 'trauma bond' , which is common when someone is abused by a loved one, and is characterized by feeling protective of your abuser and having a highly addictive attachment to the person who has hurt you.
I'm glad you were able to be reconciled with your dad, but I think that you still need to deal with the abuse and the effects it has on you.

(((((((((((((((((((((ashsoccergirl))))))))))))))))))))))
I'm sorry for what you went through as well, and that no one listened to you. I think what you are feeling is completely normal, but you are a valuable person and you would be missed if you weren't here.
Is there any way you can find a therapist to talk to?

[ashsoccergirl]

(((((((((((((((((((((ashsoccergirl))))))))))))))))))))))
I'm sorry for what you went through as well, and that no one listened to you. I think what you are feeling is completely normal, but you are a valuable person and you would be missed if you weren't here.
Is there any way you can find a therapist to talk to?
[/quote]

I already have a therapist but i cant talk to her about what happened. I cant talk to anyone about what happened. When i first started talking to her i ended up getting into a fight with my mom because i think she told my mom what we talked about. So i dont talk to anyone because i cant trust anyone. i just dont know what to do anymore and im scared because i usually deal with it. any advice?

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by greenidentity

I'm also concerned, because I'm suspecting I have intimacy issues due to this. But I can't be sure if this is just a phase, because I'm usually very healthy with expressing my emotions in a straighforward way.

I wouldn't be surprised that you would have intimacy issues. Can you talk with your therapist and tell her that you want to focus on these things? You are the client.........

You're welcome!

[greenidentity]

Originally Posted by ktgirl

(((((((((((((((((((green identity)))))))))))))))))))))))))))
sending lots of safe hugs, if you want them.
I'm sorry for what you went through.
You were victimized, and I can totally relate to your feeling guilty for telling on him. I felt the same thing when I turned in my abuser. I learned I had developed a 'trauma bond' , which is common when someone is abused by a loved one, and is characterized by feeling protective of your abuser and having a highly addictive attachment to the person who has hurt you.
I'm glad you were able to be reconciled with your dad, but I think that you still need to deal with the abuse and the effects it has on you.

(((((((((((((((((((((ashsoccergirl))))))))))))))))))))))
I'm sorry for what you went through as well, and that no one listened to you. I think what you are feeling is completely normal, but you are a valuable person and you would be missed if you weren't here.
Is there any way you can find a therapist to talk to?

I would have to disagree with the "trauma bond" idea. While I did feel bad for him e.t.c., I was not addicted to him or that protective of him. I knew he had to pay his consequences. I called him a couple of times when we werent supposed to talk, but that's because I missed my dad, not because I wanted to protect him or needed to talk to him. I wanted to say hi. He has never had many friends, and went through everything alone. He probably deserved that, but I was still his daughter.

Isnt as if I dont hold him responsible, but I never needed to hold it over his head. He did me wrong, and now I have to deal with that betrayal. It defenitely isn't fair . So I can sit around and be mad at him all my life, or I can realize that he did all he could to repair the situation. I choose the latter, and to make amends with that issue. Doesnt mean it goes away, just puts less negativity in my life to view it that way.

[Sannah]

Actually because your dad had correct intervention and he made amends, you avoided a lot of problems that others have with incest......

[darkrunner]

I'm sorry Green.....I should know better...whenever I try to relate my experience to someone else's....i mess it up. I'm an idiot.....
Didn't mean to be presumptive.....

[greenidentity]

Originally Posted by ktgirl

I'm sorry Green.....I should know better...whenever I try to relate my experience to someone else's....i mess it up. I'm an idiot.....
Didn't mean to be presumptive.....

Ohhh no, please don't!! I wasn't mad, just explaining how my situation was different. Please don't take it the wrong way. I appreciate your input.

[alas]

Hi,

Its really great that your Dad loved you enough to deal with the consequences and do what he had to do to still be able to see you.

I told on my father, it still continued and he denied it. Now I see him every so often. I feel very guilty for telling on him. I wish I never had, our relationship is different because I told I feel like I betrayed him as well.

There must have been good people dealing with your case to get your dad to coroporate... maybe we can get more of those people.

Self esteem is tricky... I don't know the answer but if you are having trouble, the abuse might be a good place to start. When people are abused we feel smaller and weaker than others.. inferior.

good luck

alas

[greenidentity]

Originally Posted by alas

Hi,

Its really great that your Dad loved you enough to deal with the consequences and do what he had to do to still be able to see you.

I told on my father, it still continued and he denied it. Now I see him every so often. I feel very guilty for telling on him. I wish I never had, our relationship is different because I told I feel like I betrayed him as well.

There must have been good people dealing with your case to get your dad to coroporate... maybe we can get more of those people.

Self esteem is tricky... I don't know the answer but if you are having trouble, the abuse might be a good place to start. When people are abused we feel smaller and weaker than others.. inferior.

good luck

alas

I think the reason why he served an appropriate sentence was largely due to him surrendering to everything. He admitted it, and that was that.

If he had denied it, my story today might be very different. I feel anger at those who deny the pain they have inflicted on others, because they are terrible cowards.

[Luce]

Hi greenidentity. Your story is one that isn't often heard, I think. Not many perpetrators accept responsibility for and the consequences of their actions. My story was different: the telling incited much more intense trauma and abuse that lasted for years.

In circumstances like yours I can understand how your love for your father and all the good things he gave you was preserved. I guess his admission of guilt and acceptance of the consequences might have felt empowering for you (?) and assisted in your healing from the hurt and betrayal. I am glad your father was able to give you that opportunity.

Thanks for sharing your experience.

I have neice who was abused by her father she is now a mother of seven and still sees him even though he denys any abuse, I think no matter what they do sometimes with some people they are still your dad and you look for that part in your life.

I have heard of children seeing the father or mother (who abused them) and carrying on as if nothing happend. It is not rare.