Me

I was adopted as a child. I was abused physically, mentally and verbally by the "mother". My father would hide to avoid her any time she became angry and went after me. I could be in my room reading and she would become enraged at anything and come after me. She hated me then and still does to this day. When I was a child I needed her to be there for me, instead all I got was how I was such a burden to her. I was told almost daily that I was " stupid, ugly, scattered, dumb and lazy". When I was 17 she began to tell me that the whole world would be such a better place if I were 6 feet under. She hit me, threw me into walls, slapped me, beat me with wooden spoons and belts. She would grab my arm and dig her nails into it while hissing and gnashing her teeth inches away from my face while yelling at me. I was not allowed out of the house and yet at the same time she didn't want me there either. I had to be quiet at all times. Laughing was frowned upon. I felt as I were walking on egg shells. Even now as I write this I can feel the tension in my back and the knot in my stomach. I am still very quiet at home. I am afraid I will make my neighbors angry if I make any noise. I grew up in a very strict religious home and affection was forbidden. I hid in my bedroom whenever I wasn't at school. I hated school, was picked on and called names, spat on and made fun of. I am still surprised when I hear that not everyone treats their children the way I was. Standing up for yourself was forbidden as well. To this day I find myself taking on all of the responsibility at work and then becoming very angry when someone else does as little work as possible and gets away with it. It is as if I am back in the house again.
I was very talkative as a child and I cannot tell you how many times I heard "Shut up!!!" As I grew older I withdrew and hardly said a word. I can remember one time when I was very quiet and withdrawn and hearing her yell at me "why are you in a shell?? Why don't you talk and go out?" Talk about a paradox. I learned early on not to even ask about going out with my friends. She said no all the time, if I made a fuss she would say no until it was too late. Then when there was no time to catch up with my friends and go along with them she would tell me I could have gone out with them. I have almost no self esteem. I hate my job. I see young kids fresh out of college who are making double or triple what I make and they haven't had to struggle. I have. I have become the only thing my father told me I could be, a secretary. I would love to be a detective but I refuse to go back to college because I fail tests all the time. I am very analytical. I have no direction in life. I have been married and divorced. I stay at home on the weekends. On the rare occasion someone does invite me out to the movies or something I make up an excuse not to go. I feel like the only place I am allowed to be is work and at home. I have no business being out in the real world with normal people. I am ugly, fat, and old ( I am 38) but in this society unless you are 22 and beautiful no one wants anything to do with you. If I had been born pretty and had grown up with normal people I could have had a good life. I would have finished college, had a real career and married a man who wouldn't have treated me like dirt. I am dating a man who does nothing but play video games and watch porn. I will never attract a man who will treat me like a woman should be treated, with respect, no lies, honesty. The kind of man I would want to spend the rest of my life with does not exist. I wish I was someone else.

Bella, I am sorry for how your grew up. It was very unfair that your adopted mom was so disturbed and you had to suffer so much because of it! You can work through this though by understanding how it affected you and making changes in what got warped by your adopted mom. There are nice men out there. Many of us who were mistreated feel so bad about ourselves that being around healthy people is very painful. Maybe this is why you chose men who are not very good? If you work on your self-worth maybe you can then feel comfortable around healthy people and find a better man. I had to overcome this exact thing. Are you in therapy?

No. I tried therapy twice and it worked for a while. Now with the economy in the tank I don't have the money. If anyone knows of some place I can go for free that would be great. I tried calling a local support group three times and left messages, no one ever called me back. I have been reading all the books I can get my hands on in regards to both my adoptive mom and my low self esteem and how to be assertive.

http://www.dshs.wa.gov/Mentalhealth/services.shtml

I googled this. Maybe it will be helpful?