[phoenix30]

I met my new T last Friday. I will see him again next Friday. I'm not sure about it all, I'm not convinced that talking things over with someone will help, or change things. These are the things that I want to tell him, but I know I probably never will.

I was abused by my grandfather (my fathers, father) from about age 5 til i was, I think, 10. I'm hazy with the dates/ages. I'm not too sure how long ot went on.

My parents divorced when I was 4. I started school when I was 5 and my mum had to work full time to support me and my big brother. My grandparents lived just up the road from the school and they were kind enough to offer to help the ex-daughter-in-law with childcare so every day, after school I'd walk to their house.

I'm not sure, I don't remember much, but I think it all started when I began school, so I'm 5. I think it stopped when my mum gave me a key to our house so I could go home there and wait for my brother to get in. He's 4 years older than me and we were and still are very close. I think I persuaded my mum to give me the key. My teachers always said 'very mature for her age', I think that is what swung it.

So I guess 10 is when it stopped, because I stopped going to my grandparetns home after school. I never wanted to visit, I never wanted to go with my brother, or my mum, or my dad to see them. No-one ever questioned why. They just went along with me and didn't force me to go. They never asked why.

My grandfather died 6 years ago and I didn't go to the funeral. I have never spoken about him to anyone in my family since. I think on some level they must know. They must have some idea or at least the thought has crossed my mums mind at some point.

It's never been spoken about and I have only told 3 people in my life about it. First I told my 1st serious boyfriend when I was 17, he believed me and was great about it. Then I told my 'best' and oldest friend who has known me since I was 12 (18 years), but I'm not sure that she believed me. Then recently I told my friend from work who I have become very close in a short period of time. I have only known her for a year but I am glad she knows. I know that she believes me.

I used to make things up as a child to get attention, so it got to the point where my family didn't believe anything I said. My own fault but that is where the complex about not being believed comes from.

I'm not sure what to do now that I have written this for you to read. I don't know what to do now.

That's pretty much all there is to me, abused as a child, self harmed as a teen, and depressed as an adult who cannot have a 'normal' loving romantic relationship with anyone, it seems.

How pathetic is that??!! all of that and the one thing I seem to be hung up on is the fact that I am single and lonely! What's wrong with me!??

[SweetCrusader]

Nothing is wrong with you.

I can relate so much. I hope your new T can help you deal with this stuff. I know it's terribly painful

Best wishes to you!

[phoenix30]

Thanx Sweet... I know deep down there's nothing wrong with me, it's like reflex reaction, I automatically put myself down or say stuff like that... I do hope that talking about this stuff can help me to deal.

X

[wisewoman]

we are taught by those who hurt us and swear us to silence that we are bad and it is our fault. And what would you say of a little 5 year old you might know? She asked for it? No, you would love her. I hope you have a good connection with the new T.

((((((((((phoenix)))))))))))

[Tormented_Lilah]

I'm younger then you but I've been in similar situations, plus, my first appointment with my therapist is next friday too...and I have the same uncertainties. Hopefully life gets better for you, wish you luck. ((((hugs)))) if you want them.

[phoenix30]

(((((((lilah esther wise sweet)))))))