"Fake it till you make it" or "Act as if"

What do you think when someone tells you this?

I had my T session this week and we were talking about my relationship with my H.
Short version:
We had a major issue occur last week where he uncovered some of my personal drawings two of which clearly were related to our relationship. He TOTALLY flipped out and in dealing with the situation... he asked me if I had been abused. When directly confronted with this question... I admitted that I had suffered some abuse in my childhood. I refused to discuss it with him in detail but I needed to let him know so he could appreciate that there were some other factors playing out in with me in addition to some of the stuff the two of us are dealing with.

When discussing this situation with my T and how I handled the situation, I mentioned that I think I said the right things to him but that.... I had no emotions to back it up. When I tried to look inside for how I was actually feeling during this emotional exchange... "there was nothing there." Even though I was trying to be honest and authentic in what I said to him.... I felt like I was just...saying the words or going through the motions. This bothered me a lot.

My T's response to this was, "Well sometimes you have to do what the 12-step program tells people with addiction to do... "Fake it or act as if you think you should until you feel that way." This statement really bothered me on two levels. 1) I have been working really hard to figure out what I am really, authentically feeling about stuff and trying to act accordance with that... I'm really good at FAKING it, I've done that all my life. 2) I didn't like being told to do something that an addict is told to do. I'm not an Addict or an Alcoholic. My father was the alcoholic, my brother is the one with substance abuse issues... I know I am being reactive and I am NOT IN ANYWAY judging people who have or are the process of overcoming these issues. I just IDK... I didn't like the ...fake it until you can make yourself feel it idea.

I'm just curious if any of your therapist/counselors tell you this?

Chaotic.....I totally agree. I have also been faking it all my life...it is time to finally deal with it all and move on to a life without constant disruption from past turmoil. That is the entire point, right. I don't know if maybe that statement was meant in a different way, but the way it sounds to me is the total opposite of what needs to be done to heal. Maybe bring it up in your next session and see if there is another explanation. Best of luck to you

Miray, thank you.

I think yesterday...I was displacing my frustration and targeted a single statement my T made. I am very uncomfortable at the moment and reacting to things that are a mix of past and present. IDK.. I get the idea that sometimes you have to act confident or pretend that you feel comfortable to get yourself to at least try to do something. Unfortunately, when I do that, I end up feeling to a piece of fake trash.

I really don't know how to get myself to feel comfortable...just faking it isn't working, it is actually making things worse for me.

Yes...it is a constant struggle lately for me as well. It honestly seems to be getting a bit better most days though. Reading these threads, talking to some of the people on here, and trying some different things has really seemed to be improving things for me. Best of luck to you as well. If you ever need an ear, feel free to PM me anytime

I used to have a T that used this statement a lot and it drove me nuts. Normally when she said it she was refering to "faking feeling good till i made it" and to tell you the truth , i hated this statement because it made me feel as if i was totally responsible for being depressed . UGH

((((EVERYONE)))

Please know that while the statement itself might irritate you, it presents a very good concept: continue to do what you know is good, telling yourself the right way and thinking the right thoughts...and eventually you will BE how you are "faking" it, and you will THINK the good way you are patterning yourself to.

Trauma causes some of the symptoms - or lack of feelings - like you described. It takes a lot of positive affirming thoughts and actions and speech to bring it all to a good normal again. But this is not the "faking it" that you may have had to do all the time to keep others from "finding out" something you fear about yourself or history. This is a purposeful response, something you know is a good response, even though you aren't "feeling it" at the time.

Believe in Him or not --- GOD LOVES YOU!

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Thanks Sky... Your response makes sense but I am struggling to make it work for me.

My H and I have been married for 13 yrs. I've always been a bit distant but H is struggling with some life changes and is needing a bit more from me. However, I am not feeling much love and connection towards him at the moment; but I am commited to our relationship. I want it to work and I want both of us to be happy together.

H really needs the physical connection and I want to be able to provide what he needs. Unfortunately when I do I feel like crap. For example: when I leave the house in the morning, I prompt myself to give a hug and say, "I love you". I act as if, I like and want the physcial contact and say the postive affirmating thoughts I want to be true. But then afterwards I think... I'm lying because...I'm not sure I really feel that...I'm not really feeling anything.

Where things get really bad for me is with the more intimate contact. Since I'm not really physically drawn to him, when he touches me I am uncomfortable, I get hypersensative, its not pleasurable, and my skin starts to crawl. I feel like I am just placating him, and the your just a dirty, little, ***** loop from my past starts to play in my head. To cope with the mental noise the crawling skin and anxiousness, I dissconnect/numb. Afterwards I feel disgusting/filty and frustrated because I just allowed myself to be used yet again.

So what starts as an attempt to "Act as if" ends with me feeling like a liar, fake and *****. Of course then I have to beat myself up for being cold and distant and not being able to connect deeply and love someone.

Have you talked to your therapist about this? I can't see that faking sex is a good thing. Maybe if you could tell dh that you need to work up to sex. . . start with just looking into each others eyes and build up to nonsexual touch and then cuddling etc etc. . .

I am not a therapist but I have been in the stage of feeling like making love is whoring. My dh and I worked on feeling good about each other and with each other. It has been a long hard road but when we are intimate now it feels real and it feels like connecting and it feels good to both of us.

Chaotic,

Sounds like a horrible cycle that you can't get out of.

I'm sorry you are going through this......I can see why it is so hard for you to try to 'fake it'.

I think it would be worthwhile for you to discuss it with T to figure out how to break the cycle.

This made me think about how at my last appointment my T reminded me of "wise mind", from DBT - it is a balance between the intellectual and emotional mind. Is there anyway you could try to access this part of you when you feel the cycle of uncomfortable feelings begin?

Chaotic, but your inner dialogue is the one faking it, its telling you your a ***** etc and your not, your just wanting to enjoy adult sexual contact, so perhaps you've got it back to front, you are entitled to enjoy adult sexual activity, so that wouldnt be a fake its the voice telling you the oppersite. I use to feel like this a while back, I will say I have no guilt about enjoying sex now and no guilt about what it means to me and no guilt about sometimes having sex and bloody well enjoying it for sex's sake!!

Thanks Ktgirl and mouse. This issue seems to be bothering me more lately.I've been trying to figure out why and how to reverse it.

Maybe it was less visible because a year ago I had REALLY good reasons for not wanting to play the role of my H's blowup doll anymore. We were having problems at that time it was more related to things he was doing and how he was treating me and the kids. I've since taken action, demanded change and slowly I've gotten it.The verbal abuse/emotional attacks are now nipped in the bud and he is doing more to contribute to our home. Unfortunately, I'm still a but bruised from the past few years and with the digging I've done in therapy the recent past and distance past seem to be all tangled up.

H is trying hard to reconnect with me but it is hard for both of us. Lately he has been repeatedly telling me how much he loves me, how attracted he still is to me, how sometimes when I come home from work he just wants to hug me and "do things to me." The adult me knows that this attention is OK and I should be grateful for it. I know that MANY women would die to hear their H's say these things. But the child and adolescent in me....TOTALLY freaks out hearing these words and getting this type of attention.Their response is, "Yeah, I bet you do want to touch and do things to me. They all wanted that. Get in line!! Also the adult me feels shallow and guilty because..like I said I'm committed to the relationship, but I am not feeling physically attacted to him at the moment. This also makes it hard for me.

In reflecting about how my childhood abuse affects me. Although it wasn't really severe, it was small chronic exposures to groping boys before before I ever understood that there were personal benefits to being groped, if you know what I mean. I never had a chance to make the emotional--physical--mutual benefit connection. Sex is kind of always been a physical thing, when I am not benefiting from it or feeling comfortable the abuse memories and feelings of being used start creeping in.

I think because of my childhood, I don't fully connect (securely attach??) with people. In past relationships when guys started showing signs of being jealous, asking questions about where I'm going, expecting me to do things, I've felt smothed, controlled, not-free. The love twitch flipped off and I took off.

Now I am trying to work through the disconnect and get the electricity flowing again. It simply isn't working.

Sorry for presenting my life's history. You all have said some things that have me trying to put together why I am still struggling..even though my H has made some good changes. I know at this point the problem is me.

Hi Chaotic,


Im so glad you shared. so much here in what you shared. the simple statement of "fake it till you make it" is so trite to the struggles your describing.

I use it for behaviors mostly . It is used inconjunction with act and the mind will follow kind of notion. like if you smile you may start to feel happy .

If someone found my drawings and confronted me I'd feel a bit violated and in shock. You had shared along time ago about boundrie violations with having your husband disussing your poblems with others.

This may open that door again and reinjure and bring up resentment. resentment for me is the number one block to loving emotionally and physically . it just extinguishes the love that was there because I have little tolerance because of having had so much crap flung and just bieng used by men and not loved .

Sex comes second . Respect, love, honor and obey in other things comes first.

Where the "fake it till I make it" and "act as if " comes into play for me is when I let my resentments keep the wall up.

so its this back and forth. I have to work on what I did everyday in my home.

that I need to protect yet I want you . how confusing . I creep out and then if i get a whiff I bring out the gloves.

That your committed says a lot about you. and it also says you know there is something worth fighting for between you and your husband.


This Ain't easy . letting go of what workes for us for so long.

. its really difficult. So thats where praying for willingness comes in.

Your road may be much harder to over come than your husbands.

And as far as emotions feeling and expressing them are concerned.
we women know men tend to express sexually because they are not well versed in other ways . like crying for example. Very good at anger.

so your probably on equal footing.

Patricia

I was in shock and was angry that he looked through my drawings. These are very personal and they weren't meant to be seen by anyone else unless I choose to. My T has been the only one to see some of them. I did resent having to extemporaniously rationalize and try to explain things that were private expressions.

However, he was so upset, hurt, and emotional...I focused on dealing this. I'm not sure at this point if he deliberately or accidentally invaded my privacy...I'm trying to just let that issue go.

I do tend to carry resentment...both past and present. I'm trying to let got and change my thinking, but success has been limited.
My defenses also raise very quickly and I have trouble bring them back down once activated.

I think my childhood experiences have also made it difficult to have faith in an ever present, ever caring God who is watching over me.

Aurorals, thanks for appreciating how tangled up and complicated

I'm just sick of the discomfort, the mental loops, and my skin crawling.

Hi Chaotic! Good work communicating with your husband and getting the changes that you needed (the improvements so far)!

So your husband is triggering you. Have you talked to your T about this? It would be hard to get close to him if he is triggering you.

So are you meeting your husband's needs over your needs then? This would affect anyone negatively.

Being sexual when you want to run is also not good for you. Can you tell your husband that you are trying to get in touch with your feelings and figure all this stuff out but right now you need a little space? There is an exercise that couples can do to reconnect physically. You do body touching, massage, etc. but none of it can be sexual.

Interesting perspective. I hadn't thought of it this way before. Thanks Mouse

Yes, this weekend my H even made it a point to attend a gathering at my friends house even though he really didn't want to go. I think he has a good time after he gets there, but usually he doesn't bother attending stuff like this with me. Him going demonstrates that he is really trying.

Believe it or not YES. I've told her about how some of his health issues trigger memories of my father and the tension that existed in this relationship. I've mention that I am hypersensative to certain things... well that are difficult to avoid in an intimate encounters. Then most recently I told her how the "I want to do things to you" statement didn't sit well with me and was not helpful at all.

IDK... I think I am talking to my T about things, its just not helping. I feel like I mention things... she listens, sometimes says she can see how that would bother me... but it doesn't help. I feel like all I do is mention that things bother me but I never know what to do to fix it.

As for touching without the expectation of him having a happy ending.... not likely at the moment.

No, my therapist has never told me this. He has said before to try to be strong and get through things and then when it is over, we can do therapy and work on all this. He is really big on being genuine and authentic, so I don't think he would ever ask me to fake it.

There was a period in my life when I had a hard time feeling. It was a few years ago. I remember looking at people as they talked to me, as if from afar, and understanding that what they said should provoke some kind of response in me, and I think I knew what it was, and I would try to say what I felt the situation called for, even though I didn't care and didn't feel it. I tried to be an actor and say the right words. But sometimes I didn't even know how I was supposed to react. I just watched myself from afar, attempt to say the words that I thought I maybe I supposed to say. At other times during this period, I would cry, and I had no idea why.

Now I am better, and because of therapy, I don't think I could even fake things if I tried. It feels like a physical impossibility to me now. (Sometimes I'm not sure if this is progress or not!) I think the pretense can be a big stressor in a marriage. I guess I do not agree with the philosophy of just faking it. I think those fake "I love yous" to your H each morning are taking their toll. Ditto having sex when you do not want it. What would happen in the relationship if you were honest, and didn't say I love you if you didn't feel it and didn't have sex if you didn't want to? I think the falsehood in a relationship can really eat at you. A very painful thing to me in my marriage was how my H would give me flowers for Valentines' Day. You give flowers to someone you love or someone with whom you are lovers, but not to a person you treat like crap, don't love, and won't have sex with. The falseness really got to me and I would cry whenever I saw those flowers. I urge you to not cover things up with fakery. It does not help!

(((((chaotic)))))

I've been reading the Waking the tiger book. What happens to me does seem to be a traumatic reaction: Hyperarousal (hypervigilance), constriction, dissociation, helplesses. I do avoid a lot of things because I don't want to feel the anxiety. I also have a major fear of negative emotions so try to avoid stuff that might trigger them.

Not sure if I am understanding this book correctly, but it seems to be saying that all I need to do is find a way to successfully release this energy... But I don't know who exactly to do that.

I don't know what I'm doing in therapy other than whinning. I would really like to get rid of these trauma reactions and the physical symptoms they cause me.

This was the kind of response I said I wanted when T mentioned the fake it till you make it comment. To my T credit...she did not just ignore this response. She said, "then maybe you should have just told him that you don't know how you feel at the moment and that you are really trying to figure this out."

I also want to be clear that my T never said to Fake it with my body. IT IS ME who takes comment said in therapy to this extreme. I think it is a self-punishment thing or something. She said the Fake it comment when we were discussing the things I said to H during the drawing exchange. I said that I tried to get in touch with how I was feeling during the exchange and only found emptyness inside. So my reaction to this void of all feelings, was to respond how I thought I should respond. That's when she made the Fake it comment and talked about repeatedly saying stuff until you eventually feel it.



This is how the exchange felt to me. Any most other closer interactions

I think you are right... my actions are taking there toll on me.

H is really trying... I am really trying. But it seems like there is just too much mental and physical crap going on to reconnect. I need to uncouple these responses somehow. But I don't know how, there is too many of them and the connections are so complex.

I worry a lot about this. I don't think it is that I don't care deeply for him, because I do. I really want him to be happy and get what he needs. I even want to be able to give it to him. I just want to be genuine and I want to feel good about giving it. I want the ...your a cold self-centered B**** and the evil, little ***** loops and the body reactions that going along with these loops to stop. And I can't seem to figure out how to do it.

So the problem solving aspect is missing.

You never know what your husband is willing to do until you talk to him about it. When I was dealing with my anxiety I needed to do this exercise with my husband. My husband was very willing to do it and it helped.

In this trauma reaction does the triggering go in between the hypervigilance and the constriction? I would think that what would help is awareness and trying to stop the cascade. Stopping the hyperarousal through awareness by always checking in with yourself (check in - "I am on edge". "I do not need to be on edge here". "I am an adult who can protect herself". "I am not that helpless child anymore".

Contriction - "I am starting to constrict". "I need to calm myself to stop this reaction". "I am not in danger". "I can allow myself my feelings". "It will be okay". "I can handle this".

If you dissociate remove yourself from the situation to collect yourself? Tell yourself that it is okay. Focus on the details in your environment (colors, textures).

Helplessness - tell yourself that you are not helpless. Remind yourself of all the things you do that are successful.

Why do you fear negative emotions?

When you find emptiness inside this is where you should work from. You have to work from where you are at, not where you wish you were. If you do this you will be amazed how you can move forward.

I think you and your husband need to slow down and get way back to the basics and be really honest with each other. If you start at step one and work slowly at each step you will be much more able to work through this.

Watching from afar sounds like not being fully integrated. I remember when I wasn't fully integrated too. Increasing self awareness, pulling out the unresolved feelings, acting on your needs, speaking your truth, etc. will help you to integrate Chaotic (Sunrise, it sounds like you have integrated!)