[Elysium]

I have a history of SA in my childhood. I know I was molested/abused on at least a couple different occasions, but I do not, at this point, remember ever being raped. I was however in situations that could have led to rape when I was an infant/toddler, but I have no memory of a rape.

The reason I am posting is because I have this intense fear of being raped. I have always questioned if I had been, and I am constantly expecting it and waiting for it to happen. I constantly think that any day now someone will break into my apartment while I'm asleep and attack me, or follow me out to my car, stuff like that. I try and tell myself that this is an irrational fear and I try to coach myself into changing my thoughts, but I can't.

It's sick....It's almost like on some level I am wanting it to happen, just so it can be done and over with and I wouldn't have to live in fear. But this is absolutely ridiculous!! I DON'T really want to be raped and I don't understand why I feel this way.

I guess I am just asking if anyone else experiences fears like this? Also, do any of you think that this fear, this sick expectation, could be caused by some repressed memory or incident that I don't remember?

I just don't know what to do with this anymore and I am embarrassed and terrified to talk with T about it!!

I'm scared about what this could mean!!

[Christina86]

(((((((((((Elysium3006))))))))))))))))

I think what you're afraid of is pretty normal. Scary, horrible, and traumatizing - but normal, considering your childhood experiences. I know what it's like to be expecting someone to assault you, and almost wanting it - mostly because it's like you feel you deserve it. It's like trying to justify how you feel kinda. I'm horrible with explaining... it's like trying to make yourself feel worse emotionally, to justify the fact that all of this bad stuff has happened to you - so to give yourself a reason (excuse) to feel crappy, to feel horrible, to hate what's happened to you... it's like trying to make the abuse/trauma of the past WORSE so you can say that the past "wasn't that bad". It's trying to ignore whats happened in the past, but being scared of whats happened then and what could happen now and in the future. It's like you expect it to happen, because some part of you feels you deserve it to happen again - because you "deserved it" in the past.

But the thing is - you don't need an excuse to hate what has happened to you, you don't need an excuse to feel crappy and you don't need excuses to feel what you feel. That's perfectly allowed. You're allowed to be where you are (even if it sucks sometimes) and you're allowed to care about yourself. You're allowed to let other people care about you too. You do NOT deserve to be assaulted, or hurt. You didn't deserve it in the past either. You deserve only love and respect, and it was NOT YOUR FAULT for anything that's happened in the past. NONE OF IT IS YOUR FAULT.

I don't know if I made any sense, or if any of this rings true for you or not... but that's my thoughts, for better or worse.

Don't be embarassed or terrified to talk to T about this (easier said than done, I know). T *is* there to help you, through everything. They also won't leave if you tell them the truth of what's happened to you or anything like that.

I think it means you're normal, and that you're trying to heal and you're trying to cope and things are a little rough right now.

[chaotic13]

I kind of agree with Elys, if you fear something and it is really affecting how you respond to others but you are not completely sure WHY or what caused this fear to develop in the first place...then maybe you are thinking, at least if something like that happened TODAY I would remember it clearly and it would justify why I'm so fearful. It would give you a clear incident to reference and work from.

[FooZe]

Originally Posted by Elysium3006

I guess I am just asking if anyone else experiences fears like this?

Not currently, and not rape specifically, but yes, I have. It was when I was in my 20s, I didn't like the direction that my life seemed to be heading in, and I had no idea what I could do about it. I'd be alone in my house or apartment at night, the doors and windows could be locked, I could be on the second or third floor, but I'd still be unable to shake off the idea that someone or something had quietly gotten in and was waiting in the next room to ambush me. I didn't feel that whoever it was, was there for any halfway rational purpose like to rob me; I didn't have anything worth taking, anyway. They were there just because I didn't want them to be, and they didn't care what they did to me as long as it was something I didn't want done.

I was never sure exactly why I would've expected/imagined something like that but a few things that have occurred to me since then are:

• I was feeling as if I'd messed up and was still continuing to; consequences had to be on the way anyway and pretty much as you said, I wanted to get it over with. Drop the other bleeping shoe, for gosh sakes!
  
• It was easier for me to fear something definite like a menacing intruder, than to go on worrying about vague stuff like why I didn't have what I wanted, why I wasn't doing anything I really wanted to do, and why the people I most wanted to like me, didn't seem to like me.
  
• I didn't have the sense that I was physically or mentally prepared to deal with an intruder, so I suppose these fears could also have been a way of reminding myself that I was feeling ill-protected.

I try and tell myself that this is an irrational fear and I try to coach myself into changing my thoughts, but I can't.

It's sick...

I was pretty sure that the more I argued with myself about my "intruder" the more real he'd become so I tried to focus on something like reading or writing that I hoped would distract me from even thinking about it.

...I am embarrassed and terrified to talk with T about it!!

I'm scared about what this could mean!!

Hmmm... what would your T think if you told him/her -- that you needed therapy or something?

You've mentioned elsewhere that you've been in a tight spot in your life recently. Regardless of what you tell your T and when, what you need most right now might be to just keep putting one foot in front of the other so that at day's end you're satisfied you did everything you could. For me, this had a way of calling off fantasy intruders; for you, it might very well turn out to work on fantasy rapists too.

Best of luck, Elysium.