Suicidal Ideation sucks.

So yeah lately I have been having struggles with that, yet no one who sees me in person would know since I don't really talk about it. I also have still been getting out of the house, spending time with people trying to enjoy my time as best I can...but thoughts are still there a lot of the time and still in pain. So I just have to wonder how much longer I can keep going as of now there are a couple concerts I really don't want to miss but aside from that I've just been trying to keep in mind people I care about and how it would effect them....but I think its likely I'll eventually off myself. I mean sure I can keep going to the ER when in a crisis, spend time in the psych ward till I am not thinking about acting on it and then keep just trying the make the best of a not so wonderful life and mental state but eventually it will take its toll and I can forsee an eventual suicide. I sometimes can't help hoping for an entire system collapse, just total anarchy...I think the suicidal ideation some what feeds into that though.

yes this is not a positive post, its negative and not looking for 'it gets better' I don't believe that, I am sorry...more for if anyone else here understands how I feel or feels the same and how you cope with it.