Years of depression have become too much.

I just discovered this sub-forum, though I see it's been getting posts since September of last year. Reading through some threads here, I was surprised to find so much I could relate to. I don't usually get that much out of reading the general depression forum.

The first thing that caught my eye on one of the threads was the frequency of people reporting that they took hydrocodone for relief off depression. Me too . . . no more than 10 mg per day, and it's not helping as much lately.

I've been in bed all day, just getting up for a couple of bowls of cereal. I don't have the ambition to cook anything. This is not the most despondent I have been, but it's getting close to the most defeated I've ever felt. I feel tired and weak. I believe I've become physically deconditioned from lack of activity to the point that now I really don't have the strength to do much. It's starting to seem to me that I can't turn it around, and I just keep thinking that I wish my life was over. I just want to go to sleep and never wake up. There is nothing to wake up for. I'm on SSDI for over two years and haven't even tried to go back to work.

Mostly, I take care of my sig. other who is in badly declining health. It wasnn't a great relationship, so we haven't lived together for years, but I care about him still. I'm at his place more than I'm home. Today he has an attendant for 4 hours, so I'm taking it easy and staying at home. We used to kind of take care of each other, but now it's pretty much a one-way arrangement. I do everything for him that he can't do alone, which is nearly everything. He barely manages to walk from one room to another, using a walker. He can't take a shower without help from me.

I seem to feel better when I am with him getting things done. But I'm losing interest in doing anything for him or for myself. I think of going to the doctor to say I'm going downhill, but I figure what's the use. I had years and years of therapy and all kinds of meds tried. The only thing I've stuck with is amitriptyline because it actually helps somewhat. I'm not interesred in trying ECT, which was recommended a few years ago. I just don't believe in it. I worked in a psych facility some years back, and I always saw the same patients coming back in, with no one really improving, regardless of ECT treatments. I no longer even think of mental depression as a medical problem.

Whatever it is, I've been struggling with it since at least age 8, and I'm completely demoralized and just sick of myself. I'm probably lazy and have no self-discipline, which isn't going to change. At least when I was working, which was most of my life, I had money to do things. Now my check is spent before the month is up. I have the necessities, but I can't go out for dinner like I used to do. My boyfriend doesn't cook for me anymore, which he used to like doing. Lately, I'm not eating well at all. I don't get enough protein.

I don't know exactly why I started this thread. I'm sick of living. I feel like a failure. I have gone back to thinking a lot about suicide, which I had stopped doing for a while. I don't have any hope that there is anything that doctors can or will do for me. My sleep is getting worse and worse. Too tired to write more.

"Too long a sacrifice can make a a stone of the heart."

I just want to address a couple of things you mentioned. The first one is lack of adequate protein. I run into that problem because of lack of money and sometimes because of lack of energy or motivation. I typically get anxious and more depressed and my energy level drops and I have muscle weakness when I'm not getting enough protein. It really is important, even if it's Boost or Ensure.

The other thing is your sleep disturbance. Even if you are discouraged about treating your depression with meds, trying to get your sleep straightened out will make you feel better physically and mood-wise. I feel like I've taken all the meds, too, but one that I hadn't tried was low-dose mirtazipine/Remeron for sleep. I started taking it in March and it has changed my sleep pattern from 2 years of being awake until 3-4 am then sleeping until 11-12 but still feeling exhausted to waking up at 7-8 am. It's such a relief not to be exhausted at night for 3-4 hours, too tired to do anything, but unable to sleep.

I found the treatment resistant thread when I first joined Psych Central and could really identify with the stories there. A lot of long-suffering, tired people have posted their stories there.

Oh - I get where you're coming from regarding no money for eating out or social things like that. I still haven't solved that problem. I used to have a "meet for coffee/tea" friend, but she moved.

Yes, sleep. Maybe sleep - its quality and "architecture" - is your best target at present. That's going to require a doctor.

jo thorne, How wonderful that Remeron enabled you to change your sleep pattern so dramatically. I have been on Remeron, myself. It did promote sleep for me, but not any more so than did the amitriptyline. I went back to the amitriptyline because the Remeron caused me to have very vivid dreams. They weren't nightmares, but it felt like too much mental activity in my sleep.

Rohag, I've been thinking myself that the sleep issue might be appropriate to approach my doctors with. But I keep concluding that it would be futile. In the past, I was on Restoril for awhile. My primary care doctor said that he woukd not order hydrocodone (Vicodin) for me, if I was getting any controled substances from my psychiatrist. So I stopped getting scripts for Restoril and Ritalin. The pain med seemed far more important at the time. That worked out okay for quite a while. But now I'm falling apart. My doctors are all part of the same system, but they do not work together at all. My psychiatrist objected to stopping my Restoril suddenly, so my PCP suddenly stopped my pain med. Many months later, an orthopedic surgeon advised me to keep taking Indocin, which is a great pain med and reduced my need for Vicodin. My PCP refused to prescribe that for me. I now feel intimidated from discussing any problems with my PCP, and I have no idea how I could get transfered to another PCP, or if that would be wise to request. My doctor has a good reputation and I would be branded a problem patient. I'm afraid now of him yanking my script for Vicodin, if I mentioned any worsening of depression. As others in this sub-forum will understand, Vicodin helps me on more than pne front.

I'm about to be discharged from the pdoc's care because I am only on one psychotropic. It's a teaching facility, so I've been through 5 different pdocs in less than 5 years. The one I have now doesn't know me at all. Both my pdoc and my PCP are instructors in the medical college and keep very limited hours to see patients. It can take me over a week to get a message to either one of them. I got to where I didn't care because my depression doesn't seem to benefit much from medical treatment.

I know that sleep problems are probably what respond best to medication, but it just seems so thorny to try and get that addressed. I feel like I have nowhere to go to receive any understanding.

Today has been awful.

I'm sorry about the situation.
This does not surprise me.

I am sorry that you're having such a difficult time battling depression right now, Rose. I can really relate. I have been battling depression ever since I was a little girl. Some times are worse than others, of course.

It sounds as though you're falling into one of those deep funks.

I take clonazepam to help me sleep at night, and ward off my PTSD nightmares. It typically does not help me fall asleep though.

Very gentle hugs to you. To all of us.

I am feeling a bit better mentally. Thank you all for your kind support.

That's terrific to hear.

I hope you find an answer for how to live happier.

I feel the same way. I dont want to live anymore. I just lay in bed and watch tv.

Aloha Rose,

YUP- Staying in bed, ruminating about the end, eating potato chips for breakfast, praying no one calls me cause I don't have the energy to answer it... YUP, pretty sick of it all. Cant seem to get these hopeless thoughts out of my mind.. they just never stop.

Then again... perhaps for me, it is hopeless? I speak with Pdoc's all the time and am insistent that I have "Terminal Depression." Obviously, they don't appreciate what I'm saying...HA! But not one of them has been able to suggest a treatment or med that could possibly work in my case.

Med's don't work at all, tried Neurofeedback, rTMS (36 1-hour sessions), ECT, energy medicine (Reiki), and will be going in for Ketamine Infusions in a few weeks but... I'm not holding my breath.

Living like this is absolute torture. I just finished 16-weeks of stopping Klonopin (1-mg) so I wasn't sleeping very well but now that I'm totally off the Benzo's I am sleeping OK every couple nights. Yes, I do take a Oxycodone for back pain but I keep it at 1/2 tab a day and it does slightly help the depression for a few hours.

I am currently doing day treatment (3-days a week) at the local hospital and it does keep me accountable because I have to get out of bed to show up... Does it help the depression? No, not really, but it keeps me around people who are dealing with similar issues. The bottom line is... there is NO treatment for the severe depression with total anhedonia I have and it doesn't look like any promising therapies on the horizon. Oh yeah, and if the depression wasn't enough...They diagnosed me with Parkinson's last week!

Guess, I just wanted to share my frustrations and let you know that I am finding some peace after spending 34-years being treated for depression and the last 7-years in this hopeless condition. I am working very hard to become acceptant of the situation...just as it is... no more, no less. This attitude is helping the non-stop thoughts slow down a little bit.

I wish you just a tiny glimpse of hope as I wish the same for myself.

Glad you are finding some peace, cloudy.

Hi,
Reading your life as you are living now, i had to stop and think Im not myself in this, their are others that are living the nightmare life we do! So dont think for a second we are alone in this battle we have been chosen to live our lifes in for the moment. (I say moment cuz we are going to get better) Im determent to get better, as I can't leave my life/time here in such a mess when for 62 years when I had 42 years of beautiful life and it seemed like i woke up one morning and everything was gone, everything I worked so very hard for, 30 years ofillions of hours of demanding work everything was gone! My husband, children, grandchildren, no family, house, job, All Retirement money, dogs, car EVERYTHING IS GONE INCLUDING ME! It turns my stomach from my mind How, Why, What Happen? What did I do? You are so very young and time to fix yourself within a year not 4 or my 10 year battle. This is a postive goal you must think with all those others mind battles going on, this is number one ill get better! Im thinking you live in clutter, so take 10 minutes and clean one clutter mess you can notice the difference, clean this and you will be amazed the good feeling you will enjoy. It amazing how 10 minutes of you day can make you feel. Its as cleaning the sink in your kitchen. There you are done and you feel good almost all day. You are going to get better and live a better life for experiencing this part of your life so young. This. experience of life valuable in learning and knowing how you, us as humans are and can be runned by our minds. In this you will learn and experience some unmention pain so deep u want to dye, some really exciting opening doors. You will go places in your didnt know you had or how to use them hynosis get into your mind you have to to fix you. There are no medicines that can fix it, but remember one year. I use my kindle, youtube (search deppresion) free programs for listening too(try. Mindvalley) all programs cost money but i have found if i write them and explain my finincal situation they find me so many helpful Free Downloading to help your brain its amaing the power our minds have over on us thar we have been given! It your brain telling your mind what to do and say. You knw what? YOU CONTROL YOU & GET BACK TO LOVE YOU & GET UP AND OUT OF THE HOLE motto Im working on and it is very hard and i want to give up, but as i told you life is amazing start exploring your mind is hungry for good postive reading tools fb is also wonderful tool make you think postive thoughts for days. I start my day with prays to Jesus you must trust and know, for this is our universe, we are here for a purpose. Then fb good day thoughts, my 10 minutes and then my day. Every morning for four years i wake up crying. You are so lucky cuz you are getting your tools early and not towards the end being taught early in life, these precious gifts we own will assist in your life journey for understanding now! Lets stay in touch you being. 22 me 62 maybe we can get out of this hole for good ******1******* YEAR OF 18 HOURS OF WORK TO DO A DAY. Do let me know if you want the name of the site you can follow. There our kind wonderful people out there to help us took 9 years, but today this month will start our 1 year goal. If parts of this blog jump around or i didnt finish its because im not well. I have been on medicine for ten years, last year stronger meds i feel no better at all. So this forum is new to me and im ensured there are others like me. Im not unique in this horrible nightmare! Hope some of this helps you and we do keep in touch as i live your life style and it is the only time i feel normal, but now its got to the point that has not worked for months. I have to do something to find me for im very lossed. Take Care.......
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Cloudy, I am so sorry about the Parkinson's diagnosis. And the depression... Acceptance, yes. I have the same goal. Please please let us know how the ketamine does with you. I still have hope that acceptance isn't all there is.