I think I know what I'll hear but I'm asking anyway...

lavendersage · Apr 30, 2016 at 01:30 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Patagonia

I totally understand these feelings. I feel like I've been born with a death wish. It's constantly in my brain, even when things are good. I've thought about it since I was 15yo & it's never left my side.
But 80% of my life has been a struggle & I really don't see any improvement coming, but do see things getting more difficult.
My life is miserable & all I see is misery. I curse the morning & put my head down to get thru it.
Such a painful existence is a living torture. I pray for the end. Soon.
I don't expect others to understand it. So I don't talk about it. Will my existence of particle matter of life make a difference to humans in general? No. Matter fills space & then is returned to its natural form.
Sorry.
I feel your pain.

Thanks. I feel yours. Much of what you wrote spoke to me.

Patagonia · May 02, 2016 at 09:47 AM

I have lead a textbook life of things a human is supposed to do to feel useful, worthy & fulfilled.
Yet it's all left me feeling hollow & empty. I don't think life is for everyone. Maybe others see people like me & then think, "wow she's really miserable....thank god I'm not...I'm lucky...I should count my blessings...etc". Maybe that is my role in life.
Make other people appreciate what they have Bec they could end up like me.

Inkie · 08:16 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by lavendersage

(and this is NOT a SUI post).

What do you do if you wish you were dead (but aren't planning on making that happen)? But you wish (with every fibre of your being) that you were, ya know.....not here. Gone.

You have a job, bills to pay, one friend you can see on a semi-consistent basis, couple of other friends you hardly ever see for various reasons (geography, their life situations, etc.) no life partner and you feel like shyte about yourself so no interest in trying to find one, and you really, really, REALLY see absolutely no point in your existence and want an END to the struggle, strife and pain in your life. And meds don't do diddly. And you're not getting any younger.

What do you do? - And I'm asking this in all seriousness. Thanks.

I feel your pain....I think about it every day of my life. I am a 64 year old woman who has suffered about 54 years of my life. I have to say I have a complete plan on doing it....but really do not want to. Have taken most of the medications, been in therapy..nothing takes the pain away. I have 2 cats (no friends or family) .I do not want to leave them....that is saving me for now. I have had a miserable life and death can only bring me peace. Came here..hoping that I can share and listen to people...which I can not do in my life You are not alone...always remember that...remember the people in your life....and feel lucky to have them and talk to them....talk to them...

Fizzyo · May 03, 2016 at 03:37 PM

(((((((((Inkie)))))))))

basicgoodness · May 03, 2016 at 04:00 PM

Inkie, I'm glad you have your cats. And I'm sorry you have had to suffer so much. I'm sorry we all suffer.

KeepingPace · May 03, 2016 at 07:16 PM

I would say that I have finally met my soul mate... it is the depression talking... ( but of course we listen!). One of my frequent rants is " I hate my life and I wish I was dead"- even though I am not overtly suicidal. This depression just wears a body out...

lavendersage · May 03, 2016 at 09:15 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Inkie

I feel your pain....I think about it every day of my life. I am a 64 year old woman who has suffered about 54 years of my life. I have to say I have a complete plan on doing it....but really do not want to. Have taken most of the medications, been in therapy..nothing takes the pain away. I have 2 cats (no friends or family) .I do not want to leave them....that is saving me for now. I have had a miserable life and death can only bring me peace. Came here..hoping that I can share and listen to people...which I can not do in my life You are not alone...always remember that...remember the people in your life....and feel lucky to have them and talk to them....talk to them...

thank you for writing to me. I'm sorry that you can relate to what I've written. I also have 2 cats and sometimes looking at their faces is the only thing that holds my feet on this earth.

As far as "people in my life" I have scant few and feel as though I burden them too much with my sorry state of affairs. I try not to but it is so very lonesome spending the bulk of my time by myself and/or pretending everything's hunky-dorry when inside I'm a ghost. When I get around these 2 people - TWO PEOPLE in a WHOLE LIFETIME (pathetic, pathetic)- I talk about myself and my struggles and then feel guilty about always being a "downer" around them. If for no other reason than this, I need a therapist; so I don't torture these 2 wonderful people.

May 08, 2016 at 05:30 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by EnglishDave

You carry on through the painful drudgery, taking all the meds to try to numb reality. Holding on to a sliver of hope that a spark of light may brighten a day. Waiting for an end to come and bring relief.

Dave.

Just a sliver, Dave, just a sliver is all we ask.

May 08, 2016 at 05:42 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Inkie

I feel your pain....I think about it every day of my life. I am a 64 year old woman who has suffered about 54 years of my life. I have to say I have a complete plan on doing it....but really do not want to. Have taken most of the medications, been in therapy..nothing takes the pain away. I have 2 cats (no friends or family) .I do not want to leave them....that is saving me for now. I have had a miserable life and death can only bring me peace. Came here..hoping that I can share and listen to people...which I can not do in my life You are not alone...always remember that...remember the people in your life....and feel lucky to have them and talk to them....talk to them...

I hear you. I have a plan. All my papers are in order. A burial trust, living will, last will and testament. Sadly I had to leave instructions with remaining kin to destroy PC and lock box because I know she wants to get into them to pass judgment on me even in death. A lawyer has all my private passwords and account numbers that she can't see until I'm dead or incapacitated. The last time I was in a VA hospital all she could do was get angry about a cat I was caring for. She then proceeded to tell me what was wrong with me. So angry at what I say and do and how if effects HER and the family. They can say and do anything they want. So can the world. I'm the bad guy. I'm the evil one. I have a live in cat and a cat that adopted me that I allow to stay inside once in a while and I feed him. They're all I have. They have meaning. I keep something near my bed. It's the last option, the last.

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Fizzyo Grand Magnate Member Since Jan 2015 Location: UK Posts: 3,282 9 3,980 hugs given	May 03, 2016 at 03:37 PM #24 (((((((((Inkie)))))))))
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basicgoodness Member Member Since Jan 2014 Location: Colorado Posts: 173 10 29 hugs given	May 03, 2016 at 04:00 PM #25 Inkie, I'm glad you have your cats. And I'm sorry you have had to suffer so much. I'm sorry we all suffer.
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KeepingPace Member Member Since May 2012 Location: Near Seattle WA Posts: 55 11 15 hugs given	May 03, 2016 at 07:16 PM #26 I would say that I have finally met my soul mate... it is the depression talking... ( but of course we listen!). One of my frequent rants is " I hate my life and I wish I was dead"- even though I am not overtly suicidal. This depression just wears a body out...
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