Utterly incurable

There's no hope for me.

The last time I sought out help, I was caught in the ego issues of some smug young "professional" who gave me an ultimatum: invol at a state institution or be seen at a crisis center he was financially involved with. I went with the crisis center. When I explained to the crisis counselor that I was coerced to be there, they apologized and admitted that I should have never been in that position.

This all began when I admitted aloud that I am living in existential hell. I have no reason to live. I can't be satisfied with what little I have. No medication has ever worked. All I have ever asked for out of life was to love and be loved, and this has been denied me at every turn. I don't want to live (I am not actively suicidal, however.) I can't admit this to anyone because that threat of involuntary institutionalization hovers over my head; I cannot be truthful about my pain because they'll lock me away and throw out the key.

I don't know why I felt like saying anything, here of all places. Maybe I just need to get this out of me before it eats me up. Hell, I think it is eating me up; my stomach has been hurting for weeks now, badly. My doctors won't listen, and I don't want to tell them because they would just throw useless pills at me. I need help, but help isn't there. It's not help, it's hell.

Anyway, I'm sorry for saying anything. I'm completely useless.

Hey if you can't say it here, where CAN you say it?
I really feel for you!

I feel for you

I regret you crossed paths with a smug, young "professional" with ego issues... I did too... I fear they are all too common in this field

If I ever do consult a therapist again, I would make sure they have experience and a heart, both of which were lacking in this person

There is hope for you trust me. I know how you feel though. I'm the exact same way. I've tried every antidepressant made to man and it works for awhile then not so much. The thing to think about when you're feeling so low is remembering when you weren't depressed. That's what I'm living for. I'm living for the day when I can be the person that was mentally normal. When I start feeling this way instead of doing the things that I should do, like exercise, eat properly, socialize, etc. I sabotage everything. If I don't do one thing then I feel I can't do anything. It's all or nothing for me. That's the wrong way to thing.
Also the pressure that is put on people now a days. Everyone has to be perfect, educated, work out, high powered job, fancy house, cars, it's endless.... If you read this please answer me. I joined this site today because I want to connect with people that suffer the way I do.