[Secretspirit]

Long rambling post; I type to work out my thoughts.
Yesterday I found out that my PAPS came back abnormal and my gyno told me that it is cervical dysplasia from HPV. Today I went in to see what stage I have, either mild, moderate or severe. The procedure wasn't awful or anything but I have to wait seven days to find out for sure. My gyno feels that it is probably mild, although she couldn't say for sure because she had difficulty viewing the abnormal cells within my cervix because my opening is very small-sorry, that is a little graphic-maybe TMI? She had a difficult time just getting the abnormal tissue samples she needed to send to the lab.
Now I am halfway between numb and freaked out, and pretty sure in the beginning of a mild mania stage. I just got a dx of BPII about 16 days ago after 20 years of being dx as unipolar atypical depression. It's been a lot to take in, a change in meds, and some very, very dark days. I do not have a good support system IRL mostly because I have major trust issues and am mostly unable to talk about myself. I managed to tell one friend today about the dysplasia and the history of depression and he was so supportive (thank God!). Unfortunately he's in the military and is away for the next three weeks doing some training. He did tell me when the results come back if I need additional treatment and he is back in town he wants to take me and will even take a couple days off to take care of me if I need recovery time. I am so grateful to have a friend who would do this for me, but I cannot stop crying. Realistically I recognize that it will probably be mild and I will just have to have PAPS every six months, but emotionally I can't stop thinking the absolute worst. Somehow I have to go to my very professional job tomorrow and act my way through another day. Crap! How sucky is that?
Hate to use it as an excuse, but my illness has resulted in some high-risk behavior in the past. I've 'mostly' gotten past those behaviors, but now I am feeling like I am going to be paying for the mistakes I made 10-15-20 years ago for the rest of my life. HPV? I realize that this often doesn't have symptoms if you do not have the accompaning genital warts, which I don't, and it is a lot more common than I ever dreamed, but I cannot believe that I have this, and could possibly be responsible for giving it to someone else. I just read an article (okay, too much research, must stop googling!) that said that condoms do not always prevent spreading HPV because you can also but rarely get it from oral sex and hand to genital contact. Holy cow! Where was this information 10 years ago. My gyno said I've probably had it for years and years and it has been dormant in my system until this abnormal PAPS. Seven days is a long time to wait to find out what stage I have, and to figure out what the next step is . If you made it through this long and rambling post, thanks for listening. I feel better already. Get your annual PAPS, everyone! Otherwise you may never know you have something like this. (okay, stepping off soapbox now).

[Rhapsody]

Hang in there, I've had abnormal pap smears for the last three years and I have yet to be dx with any thing bad -

[Rmdctc]

Hope all goes well and let us know what the outcome is when you get it in 7 days. BTW I bet the 7 days goes alot faster then you think it will.

[Maven]

Hope it's not too bad. It's good to keep up with STD information, but you're right, even condoms don't guarantee anything.

[shezbut]

Secretspirit

HPV is actually a fairly common std. I was diagnosed with it in my mid-20's. I did require cryosurgery to remove the damaged cells. Cryosurgery = freezing off diseased cells on the cervix. They do apply a topical anesthetic and then inject the immediate area with a painkiller, to make the surgery less uncomfortable. I did hold my husband's hand throughout, as it was done in the doctor's office. It was painfully uncomfortable for me, but my doctor (at that time) was a resident and was inexperienced. Lucky me! Looking at my husband, focusing on slow, deep breathing did decrease the level of pain. Tylenol worked later just fine.

After the cryosurgery, I did require pap tests quarterly for one year. Then, twice per year before going back to annual pap tests. The cryosurgery worked for me. My paps after were all normal. I was kinda freaked out by the process too, but after talking with friends, found out that they had it done too. Made me feel a lot better emotionally ~ as I was wondering if I was some freak case or something. NOPE. Don't let that thought worry you at all!

Best wishes to you honey, take care!!
Shez

[Secretspirit]

Thank you to everyone for your encouragement. I still don't have my lab results back, but hope to hear something Wed or Thursday at the latest. The waiting is definitely the hardest part right now, but I am hanging in there.

[Rmdctc]

glad your hanging in there. Im sure it will be soon that you hear. Let us know what happens when you find out please?

[Maven]

Well, no news is good news, I guess. But I hope you find out soon and it's all good news.

[Secretspirit]

Finally got my test results back; BENIGN. A wonderful word. I thought I would be so relieved, and I did breath a nice big sigh initially, but then I realized that it was a whole week where I had something else to worry about and didn't have much time to focus on this damned disease. That is so weird to me; I should feel one way but I feel completely the other; irony rears its ugly head once again. But it's good news; I recognize that and hopefully the cloud I've been living under for the last couple weeks will begin to lift. Thanks again for your encouragement. It really helped.

[Rmdctc]

Im glad to hear that everything turned out well.

[shezbut]

Great news Secretspirit!

Thanks for posting the news

Shez