Pregnancy? I'm a horrible human being.

My husband and I both have bipolar disorder and anxiety problems plus he has ADHD. We are happy together though, but together is enouigh. I tend to have psychotic symptoms from time to time. I struggle with taking care of my basic needs, hygiene, sleep, food. Last month I might have eaten once a day and most days? Once a day meant a small bag of chips. I'm underweight and lazy. We make little income and struggle to pay for meds sometimes. I tried going off medication (mood stabilizer and antidepressant, antipsychotic) last week, because I didn't have money and it was hell, I forgot how bad I am without meds and let's ignore that I smoke and, drink excessive caffienated beverages, well over reccomended dosages. I do not like children, even as a child I didn't, and would not feel love for even my own. I wasn't abused as a child, I was loved and sheltered so, it isn't that I'm afraid. I'm just a horrible person and I know it. I care for others but, this is so different.

Honestly, I feel a child that would have to grow up with us or shares our genetics is better off never being born. I'm a horrible human being for that but, it is truly my perception. I'm not even depressed. And I feel worse because an abortion is such an obvious choice. Aren't women suppposed to feel inner turmoil? Mourn or something? None of that matters to me.

It isn't confirmed, maybe it is just physical and emotional stress.
Hope...

Hi Cocoabeans,

It sounds like things are very rough for you right now. I'm so sorry that you feel the way you do. But remember, just because you don't want kids doesn't mean you're a horrible person. You are not less of a person or less of a woman. There's actually actually a Mother's Day PostSecret secret about just that.

I know you don't have much money, but I would think about going to a doctor. If you're stressed and underweight, that can stop your period. Be honest with the doctor and get the help you need. I'm not sure where you are, but there might be aid programs available to you to help cover medical needs, food, and housing. Going to a doctor will at least put you mind at rest about pregnancy and talk about your options and what would be best for you.

I am concerned that you're not taking care of yourself. But these are things I struggle with myself, so I'm not sure I can offer any advice. The only thing is perhaps making a list of the basic things you should do every day and take joy in crossing them off. Just don't be too hard on yourself when you can't cross them off.

Please take good, gentle care of yourself.

No, women are not 'supposed' to feel inner turmoil. Some women feel inner turmoil, some women don't. I don't think I would.

It doesn't make you a bad person at all. If the choice is obvious to you, then great! It makes the decision easier.

You are not a horrible person. You should feel exactly how you do about it. These are your feelings, it a very personal choice and no one is going to feel the same about it. I've been in this position, I made a choice and I am not in turmoil over it. It wasn't an easy choice in some ways, but in some ways it was. I did feel guilt, but I know I made the right choice for myself and for my children I already have.

Don't let anyone make you feel otherwise about this, your entitled to feel how you do and choose what you choose. Unless Harper takes the right from us. And that would be a terrible day.

It sounds like you know what is best for yourself and your husband. I wouldn't wait to long to go get a pregnancy test. Since your in Canada that's pretty easy assuming you have health care. The sooner you know the better, especially if you choose to terminate.

It could just be from being underweight and stress, this has happened to me. If that's the case you should ask your dr for some blood tests and make sure you are not becoming malnourished. That's very easy to do, harder to correct.

Please take care and know you are not a terrible person. Trust your own instincts with this, only you know what's best. Xox

I echo everything Anika said. Yeah everything, I just didn't know how to say it. Do what's best for you, the more self-assured you are about what you want, the easier it is to make the choices involved. You are N0T horrible.

Thanks for the support. I took two home tests, negative but plan to see a doctor soon anyway. I hate that I feel like crap about this but, if feelings were rational, we wouldn't have them.

I used to think when you truly KNOW go ahead but, f mental illness, it is like I don't know anything exists anymore. Can't trust my own perceptions.

Ya, but mental illness or not it can be a confussing choice to make. First of all our society kind of dictates how we should feel about it, it can be a pretty loaded topic. Second of course you just want to make sure you are doing the right thing. It is a huge decision to make, either way.

I'm glad your tests were negative. Home pregnancy tests are pretty accurate now, as long as they are taken long enough after the fact. I'd still get to the dr's and have one to be 100% sure, and if that's also negative you need to find out why. If your underweight you really ought to have some blood work done up. You don't need to be anorexic or emancipated to be malnourished, you don't even need to be underweight.

When I went and got my blood done up I was extremely anemic, low in vitamins A,k, calcium, magnesium and B's were low too. If you are deficient it will affect your mental health as well. Not to mention that when tour BMI is on the low side your heart can actually shrink along with tons of other problems. It's really important to take care of yourself and make sure you are getting enough of what your body needs.

Try not to punish yourself over how you feel. I think sometimes half of how we feel, is because we are told that's what we should feel. When my father died I didn't cry for the longest time, I felt way different then what I'm told you should feel. I felt horrible, beat myself up over it. But I soon realize that my feelings are what they are, and they are that way for a reason. Not because I'm horrible.

Very true.

Not to scare you, but pregnancy doesn't show up in my urine tests. I have to have blood drawn or wait till my breast grow to know for sure... Just wanted to put that out there so you have all your basis covered.