Internet Porn

Hope to get some feedback. Just found out my husband has been viewing porn on his I-pad while on his job and here at home. It appears he has been doing this for at least 6 months, probably longer.

Just went to a counselor last week by myself since I was so upset, my husband is away at work.

My husband tells me that he loves me, but I have found phone numbers on our phone bills that are for porn sites and instant message numbers I dont what they are to.

How can my husband say he loves me and still do this? I have not been sexually responsive in quite awhile as I works graveyard shift and dont feel rested. He said he understood a couple months ago!

Hi,

This is my first post here and I'm definitely not an expert on any issues so take this for what it's worth. Lately my boyfriend has been opening up to me about how guys "really think" and however sexist it sounds a lot of guys feel "entitled" to sex. If they think they're not getting enough at home or aren't stimulated enough they are going to go elsewhere or at least let their mind wander. TOTAL cop-out on relationships and intimacy but I think with porn being so accessible guys they get these unrealistic expectations about how a woman should act in the bedroom, like we should all be subservient or whatever.

Anyway, this doesn't mean your husband doesn't love you but he definitely has some issues since this is disrupting your relationship together. I don't know about the IM numbers, that sounds suspicious but it probably won't help to confront him - you will just get a dishonest answer or he may turn around on you and make you feel guilty or paranoid.

Not sure the best way to handle this - does he know that you know about the porn or would he feel like you're snooping?

I think you have to discuss it with your husband and try to get together more. It does not sound like a good spell for you, personally, or the marriage, if he's away and you're working night shift (while he's sleeping).

But your husband's enjoying porn is not about you. It is about his sexuality. I would discuss the subject and your relationship and see if you cannot get a more mutually/balanced marriage going with time doing things together. Sometimes physical love has to be "arranged" but in order to do even that, one has to think about it and commit to it, etc. I did not get enough sleep last night to want to fool around this morning but it's like a "rain check", I love my husband and enjoy being desired and desiring him, etc. and will make time in the near future.

It's "just" sex in the sense it would be like saying, "fix your own dinner dear, I'm too tired to" all the time to the other person (or they, to you) but it's also about the relationship quality and communication. "Finding out" is not how a relationship is supposed to work.

Porn to men is like your vibrator to you. It is a tool for masturbation. Nothing meaningful. It is just fantasy. Porn isn't real and everyone knows that. Your husband is using it to reach orgasm. It isn't about you or anyone else.

Yes, he understands you're not feeling like having sex lately but, that doesn't mean he doesn't need to get off every once and awhile.

What a man thinks about or views when mastubating is his personal domain. You're his wife but, you don't have rights to tell him not to fantasize nor is it really your business. That's his personal space and you need to respect that. Imagine if he told you what you were or were not allowed to fantasize about!

Sex and love can go together but, are definitely different things. Your husband says he loves you and his looking at pornography does nothing to show otherwise.

It is not right that he's viewing porn at work though. That is highly innappropriate. He needs to stop that.

Porn just isn't simple, and not everyone feels the same way about it. That has always been a heated topic.

You need to communicate with your husband about this. What is it about porn that you don't like? Is it your self esteem, or your values, morals? Is it the way women are represented? Combo of things? I'm not gonna to tell anyone how they should feel about porn, some people are ok with it, say it is normal, and others are not ok with it for various reasons.

Sometimes we can make compromise and come to agreements about these issues, but we must communicate with each other in order to do so. Try to be open minded and understand where each other are coming from, and this goes both ways.

Perna gave excellent advise on working on your relationship and intimate life.

I don't actually really agree with a lot of porn. I don't like how women are portrayed in a lot of it, like we all get off on zero clitoral stimulation, like being called degrading names, being there soley for the males pleasure like we don't have needs of our own, and displaying that we enthusiastically love being treated like this. I KNOW that all porn is not like that, but a large amount of it is, I know it isn't real, but I still do not like the message it sends. Some women might like that, but for me overall, I don't think women are represented in porn very well. And as far as I can tell that's the mainstream porn, I absolutely do have an issue with people being abused in porn.

I'm sure my boyfriend watches it at times, I don't need to be a part of that tho, and I also know, that he does not compare me, or wish that I would behave that way, or would think about treating a women in such a manor. That's more important to me than what he veiws.

I don't know, honestly if I were in a relationship with someone, I would still watch porn. Its not that I don't love that person either, its just like daydreaming. I'm sure you've fantasized about other men (maybe while masterbating) and its the same idea except there's a visual component to it.

Porn is a heated subject and a lot of us have unconscious beliefs that say it's wrong or bad, especially women. Porn can be a great tool for both the self and a couple. Sex and porn are also both very personal topics. It's like food, what you eat, when you eat and what you like is between you and your body...same for sex. And with sex you share that with your significant other. My experience is that porn is not a subsitute for someone's love for another but more a tool for enjoyment, enhancement or fantasy. When porn begins to numb the person, or make them unable to connect with their partner or gets in the way of their daily life, those are usually indicators of deeper problems (intimacy issues, addiction, etc).

I would recommend getting curious about it and with your husband. Talk to him openly, tell him how you feel and be respectful of his feelings and thoughts on the subject. Ask probing questions to try to understand what is his motivation or reasons. I personally think porn can be healthy especially if one partner has a higher sex drive then the other. It can be a source of release and sexual intimacy with themself but still honoring their needs and the monogomous relationship a person is in.

Stay with it, become curious about your own beliefs and feelings of it. Do you feel less desireable, intimated, etc? If so, work there...I guarentee your upset is about your own insecurity either with yourself or your husband's feelings towards you. There's nothing wrong with that...we all have insecurities. Be patient towards yourself and your partner. Get curious, it'll help take the charge of it and help you understand yourself, your husband and your relationship more. I love that your seeing a T for this...good for you to take your own healing in your hands!

Stay with it, stay with yourself and you'll find the balance and understanding around this topic that is perfect for you and your relationship.

Warmly,
Dachigrl

I think the porn is just something for him to reach his climax. Its not a big deal. The big deal is if he is out there with someone else or talking to someone else. But I wish you the best. Talk to him bout the IM messages. Dont accuse him but talk bout it.